GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.
Mrs. Bangham Smasher, having entered into partnership with the Misses Burnham Blazer, as General Agents of Destruction, begs to inform the public that the firm will be prepared to execute commissions of all kinds, at the shortest notice, on the very moderate terms given below:—
| £ | s. | d. | |
|---|---|---|---|
| For breaking windows, per window | 0 | 7 | 6 |
| For howling, kicking, or biting during service in church, per howl, kick, or bite | 0 | 10 | 6 |
| For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons, per hour, if fine | 0 | 15 | 0 |
| For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons, per hour, if wet | 1 | 1 | 0 |
| For damaging golf greens, per green | 1 | 11 | 6 |
| For throwing shoes at magistrates in court, according to size and weight of shoe, from | 2 | 2 | 0 |
| For beating officials connected with gaols | 3 | 3 | 0 |
| For slashing and hacking valuable pictures, from | 7 | 7 | 0 |
| For bombs not intended to explode | 8 | 8 | 0 |
| For burning down a house, according to value and social position of owner, from | 10 | 0 | 0 |
| For insulting exalted Personages, per insult | 10 | 10 | 0 |
| For burning down a modern red-brick church | 15 | 15 | 0 |
| For burning down a specially valuable and interesting ancient one (eleventh and twelfth centuries extra) | 21 | 0 | 0 |
| For bombs warranted to destroy an ordinary church | 30 | 0 | 0 |
| For bombs suited to wreck really superior buildings, such as Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's | 50 | 0 | 0 |
| For disturbing public meetings and the general harassing and annoyance of all peaceable and decent people | No charge. | ||
Bangham Smasher, Burnham Blazer & Co. beg to assure their patrons that all the choppers, hammers, bombs, stones, etc., employed in their business are of the very best quality, and only refined paraffin and wax matches will be used in burning down any building.
Being in a position to offer such exceptional advantages they trust to receive a large measure of support in their elevating and enlightening work.
If none of the above is found suitable to the needs of intending clients, a further list of assorted outrages will be supplied on application.
My heart delivered to a maiden's care,
And she can cast it down or set it leaping
(The latter process is extremely rare);
Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind,
That I might put her image out of mind!
Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard;
I should not be a reasonable being,
I still should tremble at her lightest word;
How could I then gain freedom from the spell
Unless I turned completely deaf as well?
A partial peace of mind, but all in vain,
For memories pursue the luckless lover,
And only death can ease him of his pain.
Thus, having proved that I were better dead,
I think I'll go and talk to her instead.
