Officer Commanding Squad (about to cross Waterloo Bridge). "'Alt! Break step! Large columns of troops when crossin' bridges is commanded to 'break step' so that the unison of their tread may not dangerously threaten the sterbility of the bridge."
"I want to enrol myself as a Special Constable," I said to the man in mufti behind the desk.
"Well, don't let me stop you," he remarked. "The Police Station is next door. This is a steam laundry."
A minute later I began again:—
"I want to enrol myself as a Steam Laund—that is to say, as a Special Constable."
"Certainly, Sir," said the Inspector "Your name and address?"
I opened my cigarette-case and placed a card on the desk.
"The name of the house is pronounced Song Soocce," I said, "not, as spelt, Sans Souci."
The Inspector handed me back the card. It was a cigarette-picture representing the proper method of bandaging a displaced knee-cap. I rectified the error, and he entered the information in a book.
"I must ask if you are a British subject?" he inquired.
"You might almost describe me as super-British," I replied. "There is a tradition in my family that my ancestors were on Hastings Pier when the Conqueror arrived."
"Thank you. That will be all."
"You don't want me to give references, one of which must be a clergyman or a J.P.? You don't require me to state previous experience, if any, or any details of that sort?"
"Oh, no," he answered. "That'll be all right. You are no doubt familiar with squad drill?"
"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."
"Right turn—left turn—about turn—form fours—and so on?"
"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"
"Squad drill, Sir."
"O-o-h! I thought you said 'quadrille.’ But I know the turns. Right turn, I turn to the right; left turn, I turn to the left; about turn, I just just about, but not quite; form fours, I form—excuse me, but how does one man form fours?"
"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be prepared to take duty."
"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get up—half-past ten—until mid-day. I could also manage to spare half-an-hour between afternoon tea and dinner. And I could just drop in here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right. Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."
"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you, but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to perform four consecutive hours' duty."
"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new motor-car to arrive any minute; and I
