498
THE GREEN BAG
paterfamilias, insisting that it was not. At last the former, by way of clinching his con tention, began to allude rather pompously to his married experiences, a subject he was very fond of introducing on account of tha augustness of his alliance. "My lord," he osten tatiously urged, " as a married man I can speak with some authority on these matters, and in my experience 1 have always understood that a piano was a 'necessary' for any one in the position which the minor in this case occupies." Hereupon the "paterfamilias" counsel cruelly interupted with: "My lord, my learned friend boasts of his married experiences, but I must remind him that, as a matter of fact, he only entered upon the connubial state compara tively recently, whereas I, my lord, have not only been married nearly twenty years, but am the father of a large family; while in that re spect, so far as I am aware, the union to which my learned friend refers with so much com placency has not proved equally fortunate." "My lord," furiously rejoined the other, "I must really protest against my friend making these offensive remarks. I request your lord ship "he was continuing with accelerated •wrath as the titter in court became more pro nounced, when Baron Pollock, bending over from the bench, threw oil upon the troubled •waters by quietly interfering with, "Gentle men, I think we had better confine ourselves to the issue in the present case." MR. JUSTICE BYLES was another "strong" judge of that epoch whose austere demeanor •was in strict harmony with an almost ultrapuritanical attitude of mind, which on one occasion was subjected to a very unwelcome experience. He was trying a case at Win chester, in which some soldiers of the depot were indicted for a riotous affray with a gang of navvies employed in the neighborhood. One of these navvies had been under examina tion for a considerable time with very little practical result, and at last the judge, inter posing, observed to the examining counsel that he appeared to be making very little way with the witness, who had better be allowed to give his evidence after his own fashion. "Come, my man," said the judge reassuringly, "we must get to the end of this. Suppose you tell the story in your own way. " " Well, my lord, ' '
broke out the navvy, greatly relieved at being delivered from his tormentor, "you see it was like this: We met the sodjers on the bridge and one of 'em says to me 'Good mornin'.' 'Good mornin', yer— '." But before the specimen of appalling vernacular that followed was well articulated Mr. Justice Byles had fled precipitately from the bench, with, no doubt, a mental resolution never again to invite a wit ness of the navigating order to "tell his story in his own way." APROPOS of witnesses and counsel, I think the most scathing retort that I ever read was the following, which I saw in some country newspaper report of an assize case. A counsel had been cross-examining a witness for some time with very little effect, and had sorely taxed the patience of the judge, the jury, and every one in court. At last the judge inter vened with an imperative hint to the learned gentleman to conclude his cross-examination. The counsel, who received this judicial intima tion with a very bad grace, before telling the witness to stand down, accosted him with the parting sarcasm: "Ah, you're a clever fellow, a very clever fellow! We can all see that!" The witness, bending over from the box, quietly retorted, "I would return the compli ment if I were not on oath 1" ALTHOUGH posing as one of those unterrestrial judges who have never heard of a music hall, and are wholly unacquainted with slang, Lord Coleridge was not above enjoying an occasional touch of billinirsgate when applied to any individual whom he did not particularly affect. One of his learned brethren, with whom he was on intimate terms, was one day abusing a fellow puisne, who happened to be especially repugnant to them both, in language the re verse of Parliamentary. Coleridge listened to the opprobrious appellations with bland satisfaction and then unctuously observed, "I am not addicted to expressions of that kind myself, but would you mind saying it again?" As is well known, he signalized his tenure of the lord chief justiceship by presenting the unpre cedented spectacle of appearing as a defendant in an action brought against him by his sonin-law, in the course of which he sat in the body of the court prompting his counsel. Doubt
