THE CASTRATION COMPLEX 187
a resistance against ideas connected with my own and another's death, the same trend of thought that was suppressed after "Adi- pocire", and also against another series of ideas not entirely separate from it, which deals with the theme of jealous impulses. My brother was a more gifted writer than myself. I had an ex- tremely high opinion of his accomplishments in this respect, and when he gained that appreciation to which he was entitled I was as glad as though it had happened to me. At the same time I certainly do not reject self-esteem as a means to happiness, and when a benevolent colleague termed my small contributions to scientific work indigestible explosive bodies I could only partly agree with this, although I considered the criticism a just one. The repeated experience, that an idea to which I had in vain called attention in my contributions was later taken up and advanced by a colleague who had read it, could annoy me, and I was unable to suppress entirely this annoyance by a calm conviction acquired later that everybody has that experience, and that ideas generally spring up in many places simultaneously when the time is ripe for them. The fact that the associations so obstinately compare the two white-and-black birds with each other, and also thrust forward the works of F. v. Eeden (Paul v. Eeden's father), signifies that the other black-on-white "creations of the mind" which "Paul's" father (i.e. myself), has written, are also very beautiful; my avocet is as beautiful a bird as his Egyptian sand-martin. When writing there also occurs to me another work of v. E., caUed "The Brothers", which shows still further connections with the dream thoughts. Associations of rivalry lead to an amusing childhood scene similar to those depicted by van Looy in his "Jaapje", and which appears to justify my claims.
One of my brother's writings particularly occurs to me; he pub- lished it under a pseudonym which contained the names of two black-and-white birds (black and white— death colours).
I carry the beautiful bird under my left arm. This reminds me of Anne Boleyn who, according to tradition, had a super- numerary breast in this part of the body. Further associations lead to all kinds of memories from the nursery relating to right and left symbolism. From these associations another arises which refers to incestuous object erotism. The beautiful bird with the upturned beak is the penis. The cheese-store is the "mamma", this word means both breast and mother. At the entrance to the
