I was also at this time so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on the ladder with a rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me—I thought I might now have an Opportunity to speak my last words onto a, multitude which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my last words, I Shall not count my life thrown away nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, But whither meet you go when you die? what will become of you? where will you he found in another world? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do. At lest this consideration fell with weight upon me, it was for the word and way of that I was in this condition; Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair's-breadth from it.
337. I thought also that God might choose whether he would give me comfort now or at the hour of death. But I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no—I was bound, but he was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to his word, whether he would ever look upon me or save me at the last. Wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on end venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no. If doth not come in, thought I, I will leap of? the ladder even blindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell. Lord Jesus, if thou wilt-catch me, do if not, I will venture for thy name.
338. I was no sooner fixed with this resolution but this word upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuser had said, Lord, Job is no upright man; he serves thee for by-respects. Hast thou not made an hedge about him, etc? But put forth now thine hand, and touch all that he
