so provoke me to desire to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it. Now no sin would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, Whether I would or no. And in so strong a measure was the temptation upon me, that often "I have been ready to clap my hands under my chin to hold my mouth from opening; at other times, to leap with my head downward into some muckhill hole, to keep my mouth from speaking.
104. Now again I counted the estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mine was: yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or a horse, for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell or sin, as mine like to do. Nay; though I saw this and felt this, yet that which added as my sorrow was that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions: "The Wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters east up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the Wicked" (Isa. lvii. 20, 21).
105. And now my heart was at times exceeding hard: if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one, no, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I sawr some could mourn and lament their sins; and others, again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others, again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of God; While I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me—I thought my condition was alone; but get out of get rid of these things I could not.
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies: if I had been hearing the word,
