bone would split asunder. Then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by his falling headlong burst asunder, "and all his bowels gushed out" (Acts i. 18).
165. I feared also that this was the mark that God did set on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load and guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I twine and shrink under the burden that was upon me, so that I could neither stand nor go, nor lie either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind: He hath received gifts for the rebellious. (Ps. lxviii. 18.) The rebellious! thought I. Why, surely they are such as those who, after they have sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him; and this, thought I, is my very condition. I once loved him, feared him, served him; but new I am a rebel. I have sold him; I have said, Let him go if he will. But yet he has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof. But in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it. I was like a man going to execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then: I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash all theirs, hath virtue enough in it to wash; mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I would consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders should also labour, what I might with fair-
