173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God as from the face of a dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape his hand—"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Heb. X. 31). But, blessed be his grace, that scripture in these flying fits would call, as running after me, "I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and as a cloud thy sins; return unto me, for I have redeemed thee" (Isa. xliv. 22). This, I say, would come in upon my mind when I was fleeing from the face of God—that is, my mind and spirit fled before him. By reason of his highness I could not endure. Then would the text cry "Return unto me;" it would cry with a very loud voice, "Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee." Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and as it were look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in his hand. But I could no sooner do that hut all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, "For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing.......he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears," Wherefore I could not refrain, hut fled, though at some times it cried, "Return, return," as it did halloo after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, "For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected," etc.
174. Once I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning my, sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing I should not be pardoned; praying also that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window,
