inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the favour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust and to despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this, I found my soul desire even to cast itself at the foot of grace by prayer and supplication. But oh, 'twas hard for me now to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; 'twas hard work, I say, to offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned! And indeed I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from him, as to do any other thing. Oh the shame that did now attend me, especially when I thought, I am now going to pray to him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but awhile before! I was ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villainy had been committed by me. But I saw that there was but one way with me: I must go to him and humble myself unto him, and beg that he of his wonderful mercy would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched, sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me that I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator by whom all prayers same with acceptance to God the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore now to pray, seeing God has cast you off is, is the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before.
177. For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years already, because you are none of his. Your bawlings in his ears hath been not pleasant voice to him, and therefore he let you sin that you might be quite cut off. And will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to the chil-
