Now, therefore, you are severed from him; you have severed yourself from him. Behold, then, his goodness, but yourself to be no partaker of it! Oh, thought I, what have I lost? what have I parted with? what has disinherited my poor soul? Oh, 'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God—to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer! (Rev. vi.) I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved him, and that made it their business to walk continually with him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriage, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God's Samuels. (1 Sam. xvi. 4.).
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying that Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done, he could by no means help me nor save me from what I feared. For my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died, neither was it counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on a tree; therefore, unless he should come down from heaven and die anew for this sin, though indeed he did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of him. These things may seem ridiculous in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations; every one of them augmented my misery that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me when yet he could not help me too. Nor did I think that the reason why he could not help me was because his merits were weak, or his grace and salvation spent on others already, but because his faithfulness to his threatenings would not let him extend his mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the-bounds of that pardon that was
