256. But I had no sooner begun to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions, amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction—namely, my deadness, dullness, and coldness in my holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, his ways and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? are these tokens of a blessed man?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now I was sick in my inward man; my soul was clogged with guilt. Now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been or seen. Now was my soul greatly pitched between these two considerations: Live I must not, Die I dare not. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are "Justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" (Rom. iii. 24). But oh, what a turn is made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to, this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus spoken, to me: Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy soul; but behold my Son is by me, and upon him I, look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I pleased with him. At this I was greatly enlightened in my mind, and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but his looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and the word was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteous-
