the long, quiet, beautiful periods, but she could not see the page for the feeling of sickness which came over her. People, she thought, must feel like this when they are condemned to death. For me to be old is to die.
Suddenly she flung herself down once more on the sofa and began to weep. It was no use. It was all over. She hadn't it in her to shut herself away from life. And she never loved Oreste as much as she had loved him tonight. O God, send him to me. No, I must not do that. (She sat up.) I will be courageous. It is all over. Tomorrow I will go to Jean and ask him where I can go into retreat, to begin another life. I will break completely with the past and never see any of them again, not even Nina. (She rose and walked to the mirror.) I am old now. I should never weep. It makes me look weary like Nina. It's only then that I look really old. I am old. I am finished. I must find peace now in God. I must go out in a beautiful dignity. If I say it over and over again, I will believe it and have peace . . . peace such as Jean has. I am old. I am old. I am old.
It did make her feel more calm, more peaceful. She sat down once more and opened the Imitation of Christ, but as she opened it she saw again the beautiful hands of Father d'Astier.
I am calmer now, she told herself. I will read it through each day and in the end I will be saved.
"Prepare not thyself for much rest, but for great patience.
"Seek true peace, not in earth, but in heaven: not in men, nor in any other creature, but in God alone.
