when they ought to have assumed the aggressive, and attacked the enemy on his own ground.
Now, however, things had changed. The terrible disaster at Fort Donelson had been a rude blow to my ideas of Southern invincibility in the field, and if it did not induce me to despair, it certainly opened my eyes to the magnitude of the task we had on hand, and compelled me to recognize the fact, that we were contending with a resolute and powerful enemy, whose resources were enormously superior to ours, and who was evidently bent upon crushing us to the earth, and compelling us to submit to his dictation. All the fine dreams of the previous summer were dissipated into thin air, but there still remained the consolation, that during the bitter struggle yet to come, there would doubtless be plenty of opportunities for me to serve the cause with efficiency, and to win personal glory by my performances.
I had a certain grim satisfaction, too, in thinking that, as things were going, my ambition to do some genuine hard work would scarcely be so lightly regarded in certain quarters as it had been, and that my zeal would consequently be recognized and rewarded as I thought that it deserved to be.
Difficulties of my Position.
Apart altogether from the disappointments incident to the military situation, were my private difficulties. My sex had been discovered; and notwithstanding my motives for assuming male attire, and my exemplary conduct while doing a soldier's duty, I had been subjected to gross indignities, simply because I chose to peribrm a man's, rather than a woman's work. This galled me, especially as my secret having once been revealed, it would now be more than ever difficult for me to figure successfully as a man, and I knew that I would constantly be in danger of detection.
Notwithstanding this, however, I was undismayed, and was resolved upon carrying out my original programme, so far as was practicable, and only sought a field of operations where I would be able to follow the bent of my inclinations with as little probability as possible of being interfered with.
Having accomplished my object in leaving New Orleans, and of maintaining a masculine appearance in doing so, I was encouraged to believe that I would be able, by a little discreet management, to get along without a repetition of the troubles
