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I do not wish the Kaiser ill,
I wish him nothing that would kill,
No bombs with neatness and dispatch
To wipe him from life's kaffe klatch;
No dagger thrust between his ribs,
That would destroy His Royal Nibs;
I would not have him swiftly die,
That's much too good for such a guy;
I only wish the Kaiser might
Hay Fever get and get it right!

I wish the Kaiser's royal nose
Might know the woes my poor nose knows;
I only wish his royal chest
Might always feel a sore distress,
As mine must feel until the day
October's frost shall come our way.
I wish the royal piece of cheese
Might be forever doomed to sneeze.
Death is too good for such a king,
Hay fever would be just the thing.

A pair of watery eyes and red,
An aching throat and fevered lips;
And then a nose that constant drips,
The wish for sleep, but all in vain;
To end one cough to cough again,
All these are parcel of the wish
I cherish for that royal fish,
If I could work my will sublime,
He'd suffer till the end of time.

I'd never let the Kaiser die,
Although for death he'd often cry,
For punishment for all he's done,
His nose it would forever run,—
A million years on earth he'd stay
And sneeze a million times a day.
Sweet sleep would never find his bed,
All night alone the floor he'd tread,
Death is too good for such a king,
Hay fever would be just the thing!