Chapter II: Tumen edit
19
Only five months ago--I had a wife, income, good food.... Only five
months ago--I had a country.
The mean and envious beast that lived in our midst,--as it lives in every other country,--unseen, but felt, and always ready to crush the acquirements of existing civilization,--the mob came out from the underground world; criminal hands let the mob on the streets. Weak and shaky fingers unlocked the trap; a magnificent gesture of an ignorant Don Quixote invited the spies, the thieves, the murderers "to make the New Russia."
I see foreign faces around me; I hear foreign accents in every line of each new edict; I listen to the strange names of our new governors.
The Mob is in power; and the friendly faces of our Allies became dry and cold....
Looking backward--I try to find out whether there was a mistake of my own, or my own crime, for which some unknown and heartless Judge is now so severely punishing me?
Here I am, a graduate of the two best institutions in Russia and Germany, a man with five generations behind me,--all thoroughbred, all civilized, all gentlemen. Here I am in disguise--as apparently thousands and thousands of other Russians are, just as bearded as they, just as dirty, just as hungry, just as alone in the world.
My name is now Alexei Petrovich Syvorotka, formerly non-commissioned officer, 7th of Hussars, born in the province of Kursk. I dress in an old military overcoat, have a badly broken shoulder blade (second degree injury at Stanislau), and as my documents say--have been evacuated to Tumen, where I am supposed to receive my soldier's ration. Syvorotka! Would you talk to a man with such a name?
This Syvorotka, a humble creature--a shadow of yesterday--has only one thing of which he cannot be robbed, his only consolation: the sorrow which he wears deep under his uniform jealously concealed from the rest of the world.
20
My baggage--the handbag--was found.
Those peculiar things can happen only in the present Russia. She is like a good make of automobile after a wreck. Everything seems to be crushed and broken--machinery, wheels, glass, body.... Still some parts are strong enough to keep moving. So miraculously there moved a part, which brought my handbag here from Moscow,--the very first ray of sun in my existence for a long time.
I came to the depot this morning--I had been coming every day since Schmelin gave me the baggage check--and saw a few men unloading a baggage coach. I approached them.
"Hello," I said to a tartar whose abominable face was covered with pock marks, (nowadays one must always address the most hostile looking person in a crowd, never the most sympathetic, for one should not show any weakness to the mob), "any work"?
"Hello,--yourself," the tartar answered grouchily and without looking at me, "there is. Don't let them skin you. Ask fifty rubles, understand?"
"Is that so?" I said, spitting through my front teeth onto a sidewalk covered with gleaming white snow, "not me, damn them! Whose baggage?"
They did not answer--in their language it meant 'don't know, don't care, and go to hell!'
On the coach I saw "Moscow Special" written with white stone and I decided to take one more chance and ask for my handbag, presenting my luggage check.
"It came at last," said the man in charge of the luggage depot, "thank God I won't see your muzzle any more. What's in it?"
"Since when has it been your business, your burjooi honor?" I said, "You did not pay me for buying my belongings, so better keep your trap shut!"
I took the dear old bag--it was Maroosia's before, and came home. What did Mlle. Goroshkin put in the bag in Moscow? I opened the rusty lock--and found my silver toilet kit, razors, "La Question du Maroc," on which the shaving soap had made a big yellow spot, Laferme cigarettes, some linen (the thing I need the most), night slippers, manicuring box, and poor Maroossia's fan,--she wired me to take it to Gurzoof in the last telegram I ever got from her.
The fan was fragrant with her perfume on it; so I shed a few tears. On the inside of the bag was written "All well, write often," and on the bottom of the bag--was this book of my notes. I had decided to sell the silver kit and the fan and get some money as I was very short of it. Both the fan and the silver outfit looked so inharmonious in my little room with a small window on a triste court with a yard full of blindingly white snow.
21
Here is what brought me here:
I could not leave Petrograd on time on account of the house. Nobody wanted it for 800,000. I waited and waited--day after day, week after week. Many and many were giving me advice to leave and were warning me, but I would not listen. When the wire came that poor Maroossia was killed,--I lost interest in life completely. So I was living in Petrograd, until the clash for the Assembly. Then,--perhaps my nerves needed a good shaking up,--I became active again. I went to the Volga Kama for my money,--the were already closed and gave me 150 rubles, and allowed me to take another 150 in a week. I went to the Volkov's. The clerk said that I had no right to withdraw more than 150. I knew the man from Moscow well, and he recognized me from the time that I was coming to Bros. Djamgarov Bank. He was really kind, and said that he could at once arrange that I should receive 80% of my money and the contents in the safe, out of which 10% should be paid to some mysterious commissary. "I advise you to take it. The appetites are growing, and perhaps to-morrow it will be more,--50% or 60%." I wrote out some kind of understanding, by which I sold my rights on the 10th of October to a certain Kagajitsky. That was all fake, as my arrangement was made about the 23rd of November, I guess.
My ticket, for which they asked me 12,000 rubles, was obtained through the cook's sweetheart, and I left Petrograd on the 6th for Moscow on the usual 12:30, and arrived uneventfully at the depot in Moscow next morning at about 10:30.
On the stairs of the Nikolaevsky depot I stopped. Where was I going? In fact I had never thought of it. I had no place, no destination, no desires--nothing. Perhaps only one desire, to avenge myself and all of us.
So I hesitated, for in Moscow they had been shooting right and left for the past week, persecuting the burjoois and officers. I had never felt so helpless and so unnecessary to myself and to others as on this snowy morning in Moscow. Besides, all of the way from Petrograd to Moscow I had had a hideous headache and chills, and I was in a fog of indifference.
"Good morning, sir," said an astonishingly polite voice behind me, "I congratulate you upon a safe arrival."
I turned around and saw a man of rather short stature, cleanly shaven, and politely smiling with the whole width of his mouth.
"Good morning," I said, "I cannot place you, but you seem familiar to me, I am sure."
"That's due to my former occupation, your Excellency. I am Goroshkin, the usher from the Ekaterinensky Theatre. So sorry to apprehend of your sorrow, Sir, in connection with her Excellency's death."
This man, Goroshkin, was a real friend to me, although I hardly recollected him. We never used to pay much attention to the ushers!
There was no use in trying to go to a hotel with my appearance of a gentleman and my pockets filled with money; my fever and my indifference were growing; I had no desire to do anything for myself. I think that Goroshkin understood me and the state of my mind when he said, "May I venture to offer Your Excellency my humble house, and perhaps call a doctor?"
This is as much as I remember of the next fortnight. I had a terrible attack of typhus,--and when communists were killing the boys from the military school, bombarding the Hotel National, destroying the Kremlin and pillaging private homes, I was quietly lying in a little house somewhere behind Sukharev Tower under the care of a doctor and Goroshkin's fat sister, whose conspicuous parts of the corsage were soiled from cooking, and whose face was always red and radiant. My return to life, and with it my return to the desire for activity and eating, was commemorated by the appearance at my bed of nobody else but Marchenko.
One bright morning, when my room seemed to be full of sunshine and hope,--a man in the uniform of a communist soldier with a red rag on his coat sleeve, walked into the room bringing in a breath of fresh and frosty air and a whole arsenal of munitions. I did not recognize him at first, a little pointed beard and heavy boots had transformed him into a regular "tovarishch."
"Hello," he said, "glad to know you're alive."
"Yes," I answered, "I am about the only one whom they have not happened to exterminate, but it is coming"!
Marchenko smiled. "You should not stay here for very long," he said, "It is getting dangerous and raids are being planned to finish with the burjoois who are hiding in the outskirts of Moscow."
"Don't think," he went on, "that I am honestly with the communists. My task is the same and if we failed to do something before,--now we know we will be successful. Kerensky is out of the life, living evidently under the friendly protection of Lenine; I think Lenine was the only man that he did not attempt to double cross."
"Now," he continued, "let us speak of you. I think that you must understand that the little services that were asked of you some months ago would have prevented many, many disagreeable events. Behind you, you can see only sad memories and mourning,--before you, the very dark existence of a man in hiding. If you will join us, I could guarantee you a more or less protected life,--of course you will have to care for your own self, too."
"Please your Excellency," said the voice of Goroshkin behind me, "don't refuse this time. If your esteemed father could have known the circumstances, he would have consented, and he was a strict man. I recollect that His Excellency would not deign to wait a second for his overcoat."
"Very well, I accept," I said to Marchenko, "but I must say to you that it is not for the protection you promise me. I do not care much for my life, but I would like to preserve it. Not to die right now, but hold it until the moment when I could avenge myself. And that's my personal aim. As for your plan--it suits me--for it is a measure not of Russia's good--but a weapon against our present enemy--the Red Flag. And, I may add that in me you will find a disciplined man."
Goroshkin disappeared and came back with a bottle of Abrau-Durçot, with which we celebrated my consent.
Indeed I had nothing further to think about. My task was to go to Tumen in disguise, meet some people there, and through Goroshkin communicate with Marchenko.
My instructions included....
(a few pages torn out)
22
Goroshkin brought me a passport of Mr. Syvorotka, with my description
and my particular marks (broken shoulder), documents and uniform, and
gave me a few names in Tumen which I had to remember and to whom on
behalf of Mr. Andrei Andreivich Vysotsky I should address myself.
"Your Excellency understands that nobody assumes any responsibility for your safety. You just must be in touch with the people," he said, "and be ready for what you were told to do, as we must have a man in Tumen. If I may suggest, you should not speak or act like a gentleman."
I decided to joke a bit with Goroshkin: "Go to hell, you old fool," I said, "you damned plotter," and then I kicked a chair.
To my great astonishment not a muscle twitched in Goroshkin's face.
"Not bad, not bad," he said calmly, "but even your slang is a gentleman's. Your Excellency should imagine having been born a swine. That's the point. I should recommend more of silence, and if you happen to speak,--a brief articulation, roughly conceived and expressed. Don't bother at all with the person you are addressing."
The old man amused me very much that evening. I let him sit down and he told me episodes of his life for about a couple of hours. For thirty years he had been present at every performance in his theatre and he knew the world better than I did, only by watching the artists.
January the tenth in the early morning at about six o'clock the fat Mlle. Goroshkin entered my room clad only in a nightgown. That was the only time I saw her pale and sordid, but she was just as uninteresting as ever. "Quick! Get up," she said, "they are searching. Brother has already left, and he said you must dress and get your documents and run out. Go to Tumen, I'll send your effects there."
"They" was enough for me. I was all ready in two minutes, put all of my money and jewelry in my hip pockets, assumed the aspect of a wounded soldier and walked out. I barely reached Miasnitskaya Street before an armored car full of working men and soldiers passed by at about fifty miles an hour. Half a dozen bad faces looked at me. I decided to continue calmly on my way, but I heard the car coming back very soon sounding its siren. It stopped near me. "Come in, cavalry man, there is a seat for one. They found somebody in Yousupov's house."
I stopped and scratched my neck. "It cannot be done, I am going to the hospital. If I am late, I won't have the bandage changed today. Could you take me to the hospital on the Devitche Pole?"
"Are you crazy?" said the man at the wheel, looking at me with fury. "Comrades, do you think I am going to drive so far for his rotten wound?" and without asking for his friends' consent, he turned the machine and continued on his way towards Yousupov's.
This was my first interview with Russia's rulers.
23
I was stopped four or five times on my way to Deviche Pole. I took
this route just to show those that might have watched me that I really
was going to the hospital. Then I thought I could take a street car
to a station and go somewhere south, to Tula, for instance, then wait
there for a while and afterwards reach Moscow again (they cannot keep
on shooting and shooting always, I reasoned) and thence to Tumen. So
I continued along Miasnitskaya. Near the Post Office some people
approached me. "Where to?" they asked, and a woman caught me by the
arm. I made a suffering face. "For Christ's sake," I exclaimed, "don't
touch me. I am wounded!" They let me go and stopped a long, young
fellow in student's uniform. I saw them drag the chap away regardless
of his protests. "Comrades! It is a mistake! I am a member of a local
committee...." he attempted to protest,--but the woman said he looked
like a suspicious plotter and they all disappeared in a side street.
Near Milutinsky a man in the cap of a chauffer stopped me again and
asked me to follow him. "Where?" I asked, but he did not reply and
invited me to follow with a slight and nothing-good-promising-smile.
"Follow!" he said.
Near a small church, there was a hardware store which we entered. About ten people were sitting on the counter. Among them were three street girls, if I might judge by their appearance and manners. Without saying a word, they all came near me, two men got me by the shoulders, two others by the legs, and in one second, my pockets were emptied, my diamonds went to the girls and a formidable blow on the spine with the butt of a rifle threw me out onto the street. "If you report," I heard a voice,--"You won't be able to count your bones."
That was really too much! All they forgot to take was a handkerchief, in which I had put some money. With that I had to reach Tumen and live there!
Then I turned left and went by small streets toward the depot from which I thought trains were running to Tumen. Where this Tumen was I really did not realize. It should be somewhere east of the Ural mountains, and all I recollected was that Cheliabinsk was the place to buy a ticket. Near a large school, I think it was an Armenian school or something, I stopped to rest and see how much money I had in the handkerchief,--but as soon as I took the handkerchief out, a man of no profession came to me and asked me to help him. While, like an idiot, I tried to figure how much I could give him,--he helped himself, grabbed my all and ran. All I could do was to send him a few greetings in my best Russian, recollecting the sins of his Mother. That relieved me, of course, but only as a palliative. I sat down near a door to think over my situation. Again a motor passed and again someone asked me who I was. I showed this time such a realistic indifference and such a display of pure disgust with life, that the man at the wheel inquired what was the matter. "Nothing, you beasts," I replied, "but that some of your own scoundrels robbed me right now." "Get after him," I continued, "perhaps you can rob him in your turn." I thought they would shoot me; nothing of the kind--they became almost sympathetic, and only asked how the man looked and which way he had gone. "Hardware store," I said, "around the corner."
24
It was Saturday night when finally our train reached Tumen: a voyage
of eleven days by rail, by snow sledge, by foot, and again by rail,
was at an end. God! What a sojourn, what people, what disorder! People
full of onions, parasites, wounds, dirt, misery and fear! But still,
in all of their misery, amiable and sympathetic, at first always
desirous of helping the other fellow. Saturday night, and the church
bells were ringing sadly, desperately, as if they knew nobody would
come and pray. To whom? God had proved to be so far away from these
people....
(pages missing)
... The city,--and I shall continue to call it a city,--was dark and dreary, and so cold that I resolved to spend the night at the depot where it was warm at least. I bought some hot tea and a large loaf of bread at the buffet, and, as a sick and poor soldier who knows his place, I sat in a corner.
There were some people in the station--mostly peasants, one could easily recognize such in them; quietly talking and drinking tea with dignity and care and biting their sugar with the force of explosions. They never put their sugar into the tea-tumblers. Later a man with a disagreeable face entered the room and looked around. This was not a peasant, I said to myself,--he would not take off his hat. The newcomer was evidently looking for me, as when he noticed me, he first bought some tea and a sandwich, and then, as if there were no other place in the room, picked out a seat near me. "An enemy," I thought to myself and buried my face in my supper.
The man wanted to talk, but evidently felt embarrassed.
"Cold outside, isn't it?" he asked.
A foreign intonation. No accent, however. A Pole or a Russian-German.
"Hm, hm, very!"
"Yes, severe climate, dog's cold. Going to stay in Tumen, or plan to go further?" he asked after a pause.
"Going to stay, or going further,--what do you ask for? But if it interests you--going to stay for a while. If I croak here, or somewhere else--you aren't going to attend my funeral. So what's the big idea?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing! You see I am a stranger here and lately live practically at the depot. Am looking for a man by the name of Vysotsky, so I ask almost everybody for the man."
"Vysotsky?" I asked, assuming an air of astonishment, "Vysotsky?" (Marchenko and his crowd flashed through my mind, especially in connection with my mission)--"no, I don't think that I know anyone by that name."
"Here, here," the man laughed, shoving me with his shoulder, "lay it out, old man, you must know him"
"No, Comrade" I responded. "You probably take me for some one else, indeed. I am Syvorotka of the 7th Hussars. We had a man by name Vysotsky, a sub-lieutenant, but I don't think it's the one you are looking for: the Vysotsky I knew has been taken prisoner, at Lvov, or at the Sziget Pass ... yes, at Sziget Pass, of course. Vysotsky, Vysotsky, what was the Christian name, perhaps that would help me out?"
"You white-collared trash!" my man suddenly became angry, "you can't fool me about his first name. Don't be too slick. I'll tell you" (he started to whisper very low and knocked on the table with his finger) "they will jail you right now, if you don't tell me why in the devil's name you came here. Aren't you going to tell me? No? Very well, I'll fix you for life, you damned Russian swine! Hope you'll choke on your tea!"
That's how he ended his friendly wishes, and left me in a fury.
But when someone threatens and is in a fury there is no immediate danger, I know. It is true in every case of life. So I was quiet for the night. I put my overcoat under my head and slept all night.
Next morning I began to work ... (several pages missing.)
25
(First letter to M. Goroshkin)
"Madame L. obtained from the Princess G-n some particulars. So in addition to the reports forwarded to you through Hatzkelman, I herewith send you more:
The Tsar's family arrived in Tobolsk from Tumen on the S/S "Russ" September 3rd, together with SS/SS "Kitai" and "Petrograd." On the last two were the accompanying persons and the "Detachment of Special Destination," with Col. Kobylinsky in command, and Mr. Makarov supervising the voyage.... For three days the "Russ" was lying near the pier, for the Governor's Mansion was not yet ready for occupancy. So nobody was allowed to go ashore. During these days crowds of people were assembled near the piers, and though in the mob there were certain evil agitators, the people in general were sympathetic, understanding the exile as a "dreadful plot of Ministers against the Emperor." The Heir was the center of the attention of the Tobolians, and his personality was not at all blasphemed.
The Emperor and the Empress, with the children, were finally put in the Mansion,--by the way its name is now "The Home of Liberty," which is on the main street of Tobolsk,--the Great Piatnitzkaya, also renamed now into Liberty Street.
The Governor's Mansion is a three-story stone house, white, with a big entrance hall from Tuliatskaya Street, there is not any entrance from Liberty Street. There is a small square place before the entrance. Here they built up a fence, not very high. They fixed the fence so that no one can go over it, as the boards are trimmed sharp and have nails. All the windows look onto Liberty Street. On the opposite side of Liberty Street are private houses. Right across the street is the house of Kornilov Brothers, also a stone building; three stories, and in this house are those who went with the family in exile.
There are sentinels around. On Tuliatskaya Street near the fence--at its ends and in the middle,--three soldiers, on Liberty Street--four soldiers; two soldiers near the entrance hall.
Though the entrance is fenced, one can see the street from the house, also from the street one can see what is going on on the stairway.
In the Kornilov House (both Kornilovs are away) are living: Dr. Botkin with his son Gleb and Miss Botkin; Dr. Derevenko--a man with the same name as the tutor of Alexis; Monsieur Gillard, a Swiss instructor of the Hier; Captain Melnik (I heard that he is going to marry M-elle Botkin); Lady-in-waiting Countess G.; M-me Schneider and several others; I shall give you their names in my next letter.
The Emperor and the Empress used to have certain liberties, they could even go to church. But then no one was admitted there, unless they could get in under the pretext of being singers in the choir. Many were going,--used to go to the Anunciation Church. They would put soldiers all of the way from the Mansion to the Church. Reports are coming that these church parades are stopped and a chapel is being built in the Mansion.
Shortly after their arrival, Mr. Kerensky sent two boxes of wine to the Tsar; the soldiers broke the boxes. They do not want any "luxuries" for the exiles. The Empress has no coffee--it is a luxury. But otherwise the attitude is not too bad. M. wrote that under the charming manners of the Tsar and especially the Heir, before the Soviet rule came, the soldiers very often changed their manners, their revolutionary hearts were melting--and then Col. Kobylinsky used to send those "soft rags" back to Petrograd, for they might be counter-revolutionary.
Kobylinsky himself was trying to maintain good relations with the soldiers, with Kerensky (who promised him promotion) and with the family through Kornilov's House, for the Emperor, like everybody else in Tobolsk, despises him. The Emperor has never said anything to or about Kobylinsky directly, however. Once only, when Kobylinsky was changing sentinels he bumped into the Emperor, and the latter said' "Still a Colonel?" That was really a sarcastic remark! Of course, now with the Bolshevik! everything has changed and the Family's position is very bad.
I am well, send me some very thick socks if you happen to have an opportunity. Greetings. Attached--a map of Tobolsk.
Yours,
Al. Syv."
(several pages missing)
26
When I returned from the Princess, tired and worried about the absence
of news from Moscow and about the whole "organization" so badly and
unsystematically managed, I found a dark figure sitting on my bed. A
woman was attempting to light a candle. But even before I understood
who was on my bed, the odor of a woman, fine perfume, burned hair and
soap--struck me very strongly. I had quite forgotten during all
this time of hardships this side and these agreeable ingredients of
civilized life. I took my pistol, closed the door, and always sharply
following the movements of the dark figure, approached her, pointing
the Browning. She put her hands up.
When I finally saw the woman,--I almost fainted: it was the Baroness B., friend or enemy, but she.
She did not recognize me at first. Then:
"For God's sake!" she muttered, as if to herself, and swallowing the words, "you are Syvorotka? My God, what a horror!... How are you?"
"Madame," I said, kissing her hand,--"it certainly is a surprise,--I hope for both of us! How can I explain your presence here? Who and what brought you here?"
"It does not matter--they went away," she answered. She was looking at me with wide-open eyes, in which I noticed the sincerest amazement, if not stupefaction. "Syvorotka, you! How perfectly crazy you look with this beard! If you only knew!" and silvery laughter unexpectedly sounded in my poor quarters--in this place of mourning and sorrow--for the first time since I have come here.
"Oh, you must shave it!"
"Let my beard alone, pray," I said. "It really is not the time for any personal remarks. Besides--look at yourself; there is more paint on your cheeks than flesh. And this wig! To tell the truth I like your own hair far better. Your wig is outrageous. You look like a bad girl."
"Exactly. That's what I am now. Lucie de Clive, Monsieur, a vaudeville actress. That's me."
"A nice party, isn't it?" she said. "Syvorotka and Lucie?" "But--tell me before everything else, can I stay here?"
"Stay here? Pardon me, Baroness...."
"Call me Lucie, please...."
"Pardon me, Lucie, but really I don't quite comprehend. In these times, of course, everything has changed; but still I wish I could understand it correctly...."
"Oh, yes, you will not be bad to a poor girl, Alex, will you? I simply have to stay here--I have no other place to go."
To show her resoluteness, she took off her shabby overcoat and started to arrange her belongings, an impossible suitcase and something heavy rolled in a yellow and red blanket, looking to me from time to time with curiosity and doubt.
"Lucie de Clive! A woman certainly could not think of anything less snobbish even in these circumstances. You look like a real Russian Katka-Chort in this outfit."
"That's what is required. How did you happen to pick out your name?"
We both laughed. Indeed, if our meeting were compared to all the luxury and brilliance of the Cote d'Azur, or Petrograd--it was laughable. "Have we anything to eat?" she asked.
"I came home for my supper," I said. "I have some trash in the pantry."
While I was preparing in the so-called kitchen something nice out of a piece of frozen pilmeni--hashed meat and an old can of sardines (my pride) she began to arrange the room. She acted as if she were trying to justify her presence, it was clear. But with all the pleasure of seeing someone around my house, I simply could not think what had happened to her. Baroness B.--a lady who would not hesitate in olden times to play a thousand pounds on a horse or order ten dresses at Pâquin's,--here, asking my hospitality! If she were a Russian--I could understand it,--wives of Privy Counsellors and Ambassadors are selling cheese in Petrograd now. But she--a Foreign Lady?... It was clear, she was in some intrigue as usual, and it had led her too far.
Possibly she is after me.... And besides--her very presence would affect my work, and endanger myself. "I must give her something to eat, and then get out of here. The L. would keep me for a while, and then I shall go away. Let her stay in this house with all of her strange intrigues, for I cannot throw her out."
Thus trying to understand, I finished my cooking and asked her to the salle-à-manger--the same little kitchen.
But no matter how proud I felt of my housekeeping, the Baroness found fault with everything. "Don't we have a table cloth? Or napkins? What are these daggers for?"
"Good God, Syvorotka," she said, "we cannot live in such a miserable way. I'll have to change it. There are no reasons why we should revert to cannibalism!"
Talking in that manner, jumping from one subject to another and always very nervously, she arranged the table more or less decently, and even put the salt in the lid of a little powder box. "Now," she said, "I want you to wash your hands, and comb your hair, and brush your khaki, and ..." until I got almost civilized.
When we were through with the meal and a half of bottle of beer (they call "beer" this indecent looking beverage in Tumen) I asked her what brought her to Tumen?
She told me some story--of which I believed only the fact that she was here, in my house, and that a great embarrassment had fallen on my shoulders.
"I'm glad," I said, "you did not change at all, Lucie. It is just as true--all this story of yours, as the one you told me in Petrograd. But I have no use for reforming you. Now--take me as an example of sincerity: in me, my dear lady, you see now, nothing but a poor man in hiding. All for me is in the past.... And you,--I see it--are still plotting, nothing could persuade me that you and I are here by mere coincidence. You come to me--have time to curl your hair--and you even don't tell me whether your intrigue could reveal my existence to those that persecute me. You wouldn't hesitate to pass over my dead body--for the sake of your affairs.... Again,--please do not feel offended,--there is another side. I am a working man. Tomorrow I must be at my job early in the morning. The night is growing old. So, regardless of other things,--what would you advise me to do now?"
"I have nothing to say," she answered sadly and in a low voice, "You are the Lord here."
"What do you advise me to do?" I repeated growing angry.
"I'll do anything you say," she answered blushing and lowering her head, "I am ready."
"Lucie," I said, "It is not a question of that. You see I cannot put you out on the streets. A good master would not do it to his dog. But, on the other hand they have not yet built the Ritz here."
"I am not asking you to go from your house, Alex. I had for a moment,--when I saw who Syvorotka was--a little ray of sunshine. I see I am mistaken. Could you take me to the depot, then?"
"I shall do nothing of the kind," I answered. "Nobody warned me you might come here. I was not ready. So--please stay here for to-night. I have a place where I can find an abode, and tomorrow we can decide what to do. There is some frozen milk in the pantry and if I don't return--right where you are sitting in the mattress there is some money. Good night, Lucie."
"Alex, are you really going?" she asked taking me by the arm, "Are you really going out just not to be with me? Is it a pose? Or are you serious? Please don't do it...."
"Good night," I said and went out.
27
A night in a small city of Siberia! One can see only because the snow
is white. No moon, no electricity.... Where is my new Peugeot now? Who
is driving it now? Where is Anton? Whose chauffer is he now, and is
he still a chauffer, or has the wheel of fortune turned and made him
Commissary of Arts, or Commissary of Public Health? Or, true to his
master, was he hanged defending my automobile? Kismet!...
There were only two blocks to the L.--but the snow was so deep and it was so windy and cold, it seemed to me a good mile, till I reached the house.
It was dark as usual. As usual it seemed dead. But, when I was quite close to it, I heard some movement inside and I detected something in the yard. This something materialized very soon into a couple of evil faces and rifles with fixed bayonets. Inside of the house there were muffled voices. Near the rear gate (I could see it due to the sloping of the lot) three horses and a snow sledge were standing. A few voices were raised in dispute in the barn, swearing a blue streak. "Arrest"--it was clear. When I was trying to think of something to help,--and what could I think of?--the double pane of the bedroom window was suddenly broken by something heavy thrown from the inside and a desperate piercing voice of Pasha--I immediately knew it was the poor girl--shouted with all of the strength of her lungs: "Help, help! In Christ's name, help...." The cry was broken off in the middle, muffled by the palm of a hand, and became a mutter of despair and horror: "M-p-p, maa...." Somebody stuffed a white pillow in the hole. Again all became quiet.
Then the front door suddenly opened and a man jumped out into the street; another,--a short fellow clad in a wild Siberian overcoat,--appeared on the stairs, aimed a Mauser and fired at the man's back. I scarcely had time to sit down behind the fence.
Ff ... ap ... Ff ... ap ...--sounded two dry, sharp shots. The first man took two more steps--and rolled in the snow, feebly groaning from pain. A black trickle of blood swiftly ran along the snow near my knees. The Siberian overcoat looked at his victim and with "you, damned carrion," slammed the door. Again all was dark and silent.
The man was indeed dead when I reached him. He had a package of something wrapped in paper--so I took it,--I thought it might be something belonging to Ls.
All that was pretty bad, and I did not know how to get away,--my position being really a poor one in a strategic sense of the word. I had to escape without attracting too much attention. When I was thinking over how to do it--a voice called:
"Bist du dort, Swartz?"
"Ja wohl!" I answered as nonchalantly as I could, having covered my mouth with my glove, "soll' ich noch warten?"
"We'll be through in a minute. Wait a while!"
I did not wait. Through wind and snow, crawling like an Indian, I passed the dangerous spot near the gate where I could be seen, then hurried home, almost crying for the poor Ls., and Pasha--such a sweet girl, probably at that moment being nationalized--condemning all and everything and especially the impossibility of helping my unfortunate friends. All was frozen inside of me, due to the cold and this fear of a helpless creature.
When I was about a score of yards from the house--shooting started behind me--just as idiotic as in Petrograd or Moscow: in every direction, bullets cracking the windows, the street lamps, the passers-by,--on this occasion myself,--I got a bad one in the sleeve, right near the elbow.
I did not have to knock at the door as I feared running home: the door flew open, and Lucie dragged me in, closing the door behind me on the lever.
"Oh, I am so glad you came! Silly man! Are you wounded? No? I heard it all--I was so afraid that they had shot you! I am so glad, Alex dear! Do stay here, I won't be in your way, honest. Please do stay!..."
(pages missing)
28
(Second letter to M. Goroshkin)
"I must bring to your attention the fact that a certain lady, whom I knew in Petrograd in other days, came here quite unexpectedly, under the name of Lucie de Clive. She was in the plot in June, and at that time was very strongly protected by A.F. K-y, who released her from jail. She is an Englishwoman, but knows Russia well, as in fact, she knows all European countries. She came here the day the L's were killed and Pasha taken away. She made me understand that she is in a new plot to save the Emperor's family. Her task will be to stay here for a while "and make some preparations" and then go farther on.
I must tell you that her arrival here is of great inconvenience to me: in a city like Tumen it became known to the G-ns, and, though the Princess thinks I am nothing much and her morals are not for my class of people, she is a little hypocrite and pulls a long face at me.
I tried my best to avoid having this lady in my house; but the president of the local soviet, who has a great respect for me as Marchenko's protégé, allowed me a short stay for the lady; I explained to him that she is my old affinity--"a civil wife." Therefore, he found it a sufficient reason, but did not like it much, and I am afraid his trust in me may diminish.
Now things have turned out in such a manner that I cannot possibly throw the lady out of my home: but what I want you to do is to notify me at once whether you know something about this arrival and whether Lucie is working for the same purposes. I don't trust her much; she feels it, and plays a strange game with me, the part of an enamored woman. This does not interfere with her writing (and receiving) some correspondence. She takes the letters out when I am busy, so I cannot trail her. I'd rather go away from here, leaving her; I would not care much to be obliged to watch her. There are certain ethics which would prevent me from liking to trail this particular lady.
I was greatly surprised when I heard that Mr. Kerensky was living in the Rossia Insurance Company Apartments, Pushkarskaya 59, Flat 10. If so, why this game of the Smolny crowd? Why not take him? The man of whom I wrote you in my last letter states that K-y is now planning to go to Stockholm and that a passport will be given to him by the Smolny Institute. Please communicate that to Marchenko. Schmelin says it is not his business. The ring was taken from K-y. Nothing new in Tobolsk. The Empress has been sick for the last ten days.
Yours,
Alex. Syv."
29
(Third letter to M. Goroshkin)
"As I told you in one of my letters, the actions of some people in Tobolsk are more or less significant.
Father A. Vassiliev has become welcome to the Emperor and has all of his confidence. We tried to warn him of this pope, but I don't think it worked, for they know that Vassiliev received some very important documents from the Emperor, and also his revolver and sword for safekeeping.
At present there is an organization in Tobolsk helping the family with money and food; the Ordovsky-Tanaevskys, the Prince Khovansky's family and the Budischevs. The latter house is on Rojestvensky Street about four blocks from the Mansion. Bishop Hermogen comes often, as well as Bishop Irinarch and some others. None are really good. The Empress is sick--the same old nervousness. The Heir is all right, barring a little accident--he fell down stairs and got a bad bump on his head. They say that the Bishop received a letter from the Dowager Empress which was brought by a German war prisoner. Others think that this letter was an act "de provocation" and has been fabricated by the Bolsheviki to circulate a bad story about the Bishop.
They speak a great deal about taking the Emperor from here to European Russia and the whole family is scared.
The situation is very precarious: there is a decided tendency on the side of the Bolsheviki to take the family away--some say, to Ekaterinburg, others to Berezov; deputies from Petrograd and Ekaterinburg, arrived in Tobolsk asking the local soviet to give up the family. The members of the "Detachment of Special Destination" do not allow that, saying that the Family will be given only to the Constituent Assembly and the population is on the side of this detachment. There may be an outbreak. In certain houses there are firearms. The situation would be better if the soldiers from the detachment had been paid; but since last September they have not been, so discontent is growing. Colonel Kobylinsky's behavior seems to be strange.
The Ufa movement is gaining in strength.
Yours,
Al. Syv."
30
(Fourth letter to M. Goroshkin)
"In case you would like to eliminate the work of my companion,--let me know, and it could be very easily done: she could be taken out of the house and put on the train going in any direction. Schmelin would help in this case. Then I would go away, for instance to Ekaterinburg or Omsk. I shall wait for your letter in regard to this, and in the meantime I'll remain just as I am now. Please do not let me stay in my actual position. I simply refuse to be aiming at her back with a concealed dagger. Even as it is, my life is untenable--the way I live, and the people I have to meet, make it perfectly horrid...."
(end of letter missing)
31
I never knew that a wireless apparatus for a range of more than one
hundred miles could be such a small thing. Really this war has brought
about some wonders, and it is clear to me this particular station,
that was delivered yesterday, is a military outfit. I remember little
about wireless telegraphy; only few explanations given to me by
Capt. Volkhovsky, and after the very solemn inauguration of the
"Spark-Radio" we had a gala-performance. It is but a superficial study
indeed.
I cannot understand this strange silence of Goroshkin. Is he dead? If he is dead--what happened to Marchenko? Are they both dead? Now since the Ls are gone and Pasha has become some Bolshevik's property (poor little thing!) I have no idea what to do. Shall I consider myself in the game, or did the whole organization end; shall I continue on my own behalf? I have been thinking, and thinking about it, and have decided that I must continue my informative functions, and must wait as I have been told. They said I shall be on my post--and I must remain. The absence of letters does not mean much: they can be in a terrible situation in Moscow now--we know nothing. If my letters have not reached Goroshkin--they have reached somebody else; in the latter case I would have been hanged long ago, or shot, or something similar, if the letters did not reach friends.
Lucie? Well if she is not the crookedest woman! I do not think I could get rid of her now even if I would. Schmelin knows of my going out of town, it is clear. Of course he closes his eyes,--but I never can doubt that he will be the first to "put me on a clear water" as soon as he apprehends that the other commissaries know of my wanderings and trading with the Letts, and of what is now under our bed.
Something new: Lucie received a rubber bath, so I have to warm up the water and then wait....
(end of page missing)
... She would come back, as soon as I shall be ready putting the wires instead of the ropes in the yard for drying the linen. I was glad to know it. Certainly. Personally I am very glad to see her around: she is a nice little woman when she does not plot. It is agreeable to have tea at five and then everything looks so clean and neat since she came. Good God, should she be simply a nice little Lucie! How agreeable everything could become--as if there were no Revolution, no Bolsheviki, no Emperor.... But no; Fate has to put a drop of tar in a barrel of honey. However, perhaps I would have hated to see a cook around here: as soon as a woman gets too domestic--she infallibly becomes unattractive. As for Lucie--enclosed in a cage as we are--I never saw her unwashed, uncombed, frivolous or unladylike. So let her be a plotter. I must be grateful as we never quarrel.... She sends me away when....
(end of page missing)
32
(Fifth letter to M. Goroshkin)
"... a man by name Alexander Petrovich Mamaev from Novo-Nikolaevsk. He has a plan of his own, which he wants to accomplish. He has some people working for him, nothing serious, if I may judge. Mamaev's plan is being worked out this way: his people will buy out the sentinels and take the Emperor and the Heir (perhaps the Princesses, but, as he says "the old woman will never be considered") and rush both eastward by the old highway. On the stations Mamaev's people are now hiring horses and coachmen. They have collected money amongst the merchants. They plan to take the Emperor as far as Blagoveshchensk-on-Amur. Thence to San-Haliang, on the Chinese side of the river. From San-Haliang somewhere out of the country,--I never heard where to. The organization works successfully in the region of Tomsk, where all is ready for immediate action.
There is much imagination in Mamaev's plan, and though I know his preparations are watched in Ekaterinburg, they do not meet with approval at all. Captain Kaidalov of the Crimea Horse Regt. is now the soul of Ekaterinburg and he does not approve. He is a fine fellow, I know, and very courageous: he went to the local soviet, became their confident and persona grata and I think is virtually the only one who really understands the problems and realizes their difficulty and their danger. Please let me know whether I should inquire any longer about all of this!
Yours,
Alex. Syv."
33
Sunday she came back from the trip. I felt quite lonesome all of this
week. Two men were with her: one--a Russian, the silent type, with a
big hat, who was taking care of the horse: the other, a tall, broad
faced Anglo-Saxon fellow, whose bronzed face would be appropriate
in the tropics but not on the white steppes of Siberia. A little
longhaired pony brought the trio in a fancy sledge early in the
morning. The Englishman (his name is Stanley) started to work with
the radio, silent, serious, smoking a short black pipe. He took me for
Lucie's servant. If I had had any doubt of his nationality, I never
could have mistaken his tobacco: Navy Cut,--the one make I can't
tolerate. He filled our small house with blue clouds of stink. When
they all came I ran to the sledge, but from a distance Lucie signaled
to me with her eyes that no tender expressions were needed. She sent
me out for food, then to a drug store, then to the post-office, etc.,
etc. I obeyed.
So around noon I went to see the Princess. They all make me sick, especially since the L. tragedy. "If God does not help--we cannot." A certain Mme. K-v is now hanging around her. A suffragette--that's what she is. She said "some women are now here--we know nothing about ..." alluding of course to me. I hardly could wait until evening.
It was evening when S. finished connecting the kitchen station with the city current. When I came home he and the Russian were trying to harness the pony. The poor little horse was choking from the smoke of his pipe and trying to bite the torturer.
"Say, Lucie," the Englishman said to her, as shivering in my overcoat, she came out to say good-bye to him, "the benzine is in the barn, over there under the hay. Tell your man to be careful and not to smoke around here."
"If it did not explode after your pipe, sir," I replied in my best Shakespearian, "my cigarette won't do any harm. So don't be alarmed."
It took him about half a minute to digest the fact that I could understand his cockney. Lucie became almost hysterical with laughter and ran into the house.
Then he made a serious face and sprang into the sledge and the Russian flicked the horse with the whip. Near the corner, I saw him say something to the Russian and they turned back.
"Say," the Englishman asked, "are you English? Or Canadian, I fancy?"
"Never mind me, Major or Captain, or whoever you are. I'm just I. Don't fancy, and proceed. I'm busy."
I closed the gate and heard another formidable crack of the whip on the pony's fat flanks.
Hundreds of bells started ringing again, and then died away in the distance, drowned out by a locomotive whistle....
And here I was in my room again. In the corner stood Lucie, lovely creature with all her funny actions and thoughts, Heaven knows by what and whom inspired.
"Look what I brought, Alex! Here are canned goods, and chocolate and coffee, and ham, and ..." and she threw package after package on the bed. On one of them I read "Army and Navy Calcutta," but said nothing and looked away. I'm getting sly. She noticed it too, the little devil! She sent me out to see whether or not the gate was closed, and when I came back the label was scratched out.
34
(Sixth letter to M. Goroshkin)
"There are, virtually, three--or perhaps more--organizations, members of which have decided to save the Emperor from imprisonment. They all realize the danger of letting things go on by themselves, or of relying upon German promises.
The latter are well known here and in Tobolsk from Bolshevik sources. When during the Brest-Litovsk pourparlers the Russian Delegates were waiting for the Germans, the latter entered the room of conference, and found it filthy with smoke; the Bolsheviki were extremely hilarious, and laughed and joked among themselves. To show his independence Monsieur Trotsky was sitting on the table; others were without collars and in the most unrespectable state of humor. When the German delegation entered they did not move; the leader of the Germans, an old general, stopped for a moment, looked at them in disgust, and then suddenly shouted: "Stand! Attention! Get up, you, Kameraden!"
Electrified--they all got up, Trotsky first, although with the remark "For why"? The General continued:
"By order of His Majesty the King and Emperor, I declare that there is at Tobolsk in your hands the relative of my August Master,--Her Imperial Majesty the Empress of Russia with her consort and children. Until this is arranged--we shall not proceed with this conference of ours. We demand your guarantees that 1st--you vouch for their perfect safety; 2d--you immediately will take steps to deliver the prisoners abroad. Now, at rest! Sit down!"
I was told that the delegates from the soviets had the authority to vouch for them in this regard, for they say unofficially that the matter had been previously taken up by Russian and German diplomacy. So a telegram was sent by Joffe to Lenine, who answered, "measures taken." Then the Brest-Litovsk sale commenced.
This evidently was not fulfilled, although I have heard that there is certain movement on the part of Germans, especially amongst the war prisoners. I consider it impracticable. At present the military situation is as follows: the Czechs are nearing the Samara-Zlatoust line; in Siberia--there is a very big movement of Czech war prisoners and Russians--to assist the Czechs in their task of reaching the Pacific. Battles are raging on the Volga front. It is evident that the salvation of the Family cannot come from Germany, for there would not be any place and way to take the Emperor out of Tobolsk, but by way of the Trans-Siberian,--a long journey with no possibilities of getting out of this country. The local Bolsheviki are beyond the control of the centers. They want to "govern" themselves--evidently with no orders and particularly confidential (I think this one would be such) would not be executed.
The Ekaterinburg organization is weak as I already wrote you. First because the organization is in Ekaterinburg and the Emperor in Tobolsk.
Who are these people? They want first of all, and altogether, restitution for the sake of getting good positions for valuable services rendered the Family. They all see that the restitution is problematic,--so their desire is not strong. They act weakly, they think lazily, they move with an agony of indifference. All that they have done is certainly known to Kobylinsky and--to the Commissaries. And if they are not yet all arrested--it is because the sovietists want to know their actions. If the damned lack of organization, that we all are suffering from, can be noticed in our present life--it is ideally clearly seen in the Ekaterinburg circles. The Princess G. and others are of the same sort; dully thinking, believing in and hoping for marvels and miracles, trying to look busy and tired. They gossip about each other, they are ready to sink each other in a spoonful of water. Now what is their plan? They haven't any,--at least, nothing definite. They all say vaguely "we are going to buy out Col. Kobylinsky and the sentinels and the Bolsheviki." All right. Supposing there were someone among them who would go and try this buying proposition? Supposing they were to buy Kobylinsky, and the sentinels and the Bolsheviki. What will they do with the Emperor? Against them there would be the whole world. There is no way for the Ekaterinburg people to get him out, just as there is no way for the Germans. All is closed for them, except a crazy scheme of taking the Family into the interior, which I do not consider feasible. It is impossible. I was told to watch all that I could in connection with the move in Tumen; I was instructed to watch the Ekaterinburg organization and the Princess. I hope I am not considered a member of this organization as it is a failure, and I hate to participate in deadborn adventures.
Again there is the work that Lucie is doing. I do not know for whom she works, though I can see she is not working by herself. I can see that there is 1st, a certain participation of people with means--she has money and certain buying capacities, a sign of great importance at present: 2d, there is evidently a planned and systematic scheme of work in all the actions around me; 3d, there is an unseen hand directing the whole enterprise, decisive and strong.
What is this plan? I can as now see only one thing: provisions are made, both in food and munitions, and shipped through my home east. There is an intense wireless communication--I cannot know what it is about. A man in smoked glasses comes every evening and sits--near the apparatus. Sometimes he only listens in; sometimes he gets his "tune" and talks. In the latter case, Lucie goes down town and leaves me at home. I think she mails the communications or maybe someone waits for her in the post office, or, what is possible....
(few lines scratched out)
... Her Russian is not at all good, she hardly speaks it in fact, but she gets along as Lucie de Clive, a French demoiselle. With her, as far as I can see are the following elements: 1st, the British officer,--Stanley, or whatever his name really is; 2d, the silent Russian, with wiry Siberian hat and extremely profane language (I think he swears when praying): 3d, two Letts as she calls them, though there is just as much Lettish in them as in you, or me,--they both speak Russian like Russians; 4th, myself. About the last point I can tell, that lately I am in the traffic business. Lucie asks me very often to take loads to the outskirts of Tumen, near the Freight Depot, which we receive with the Siberian pony, and I take it in my sledge behind the Depot, where I deliver the goods--only in the evenings--to the Letts. Sometimes we speak, but never much.
Usually, "Very cold," or "How snowy," or "Have you a cigarette?" After delivering the goods--altogether I have done it about five times, I return home. The Letts wait to move until I go away; I did not succeed in trailing them--and honestly would not want to very much. I have my private reasons for not getting into Lucie's way. Besides, why should I? I am sure that we all are working for the same purpose, but perhaps from different standpoints. On the other hand, it astonishes me exceedingly, that Lucie....
(two lines scratched out)
and he arranged for my protection and undisturbed life here,--so seemingly everything is in perfect accordance. You never answer my letters, but couldn't you manage to acknowledge them? Please do it.
Yours,
Alex. Syv."
35
"I have been here so long!... Isn't it funny, Alex, how the time has
passed?"
The night was a windy one as though Winter knew it was its last chance to freeze people to death before Spring would come; the long night seemed slow in coming. All day we had worked very hard in the barn preparing a big load which Lucie had asked me to take to the Letts. After dinner, we had kippered herring and some meat stew à l'Irlandaise, we were sitting near the open oven. "Lent bells! I wonder who is praying?..."
"Yes, six weeks, dear. Six weeks of perfect sincerity and mutual trust,--it is not a little thing."
She accepted my remark without turning her face from the fire near which we were sitting. "Six weeks," she said again.
"Do you remember the man who was playing near me in Monte Carlo the day we met?"
"There were too many of them. Which one do you mean?"
"The tall man, Mr. Osborne--never mind trying, it does not matter, I just happened to think of him."
"Anything identical with our six weeks of life?" I asked, and immediately regretted my bad temper--I am getting impossible.
"Very much," she said sadly. "Very much; only under other circumstances, other climates, other people. Not so inconsiderate."
When I looked at her my heart filled with pity. Who is this woman? I don't know her. Perhaps she has something in her heart--the very existence of which I had oftentimes doubted. Perhaps, in her life of adventures, she has had more hardships, more of tragedy than I,--with all of my selfish sufferings of a man who used to be rich and prominent, and is now humble and poor? Perhaps she has more of self-control not to show it,--nevertheless the amount of her bitterness of life must be the same, if not deeper, than mine?
We have been here for six weeks.... I have no place to go. So I am here. But she? I am sure she could be somewhere else, in better surroundings, amongst people better than I am. And during these six weeks--we were not friends. We were only plotters, joined under one roof, and secretly hostile to each other--"I am ashamed," I said to her, "honestly I am. You must think that I have never cared to know what is in your mind. We have always been distant and mysterious, always absorbed in our own affairs. Why should I trouble you with my questions? Especially, if I knew beforehand that you wouldn't answer. Yes, we have been together six weeks--more than that--we live under the same roof, eat the same food, have our life as close as two human beings can,--and yet--here we are,--apart from each other. You are a woman, it's up to you to break this distance and build a bridge over it."
"Well," she said, putting her small hand on mine, "you approach the question evidently from another angle. I am not speaking of our business, which may, and which may not, be the same. Why am I so sad and so blue? It is that I feel I am all alone here. I can tell you and I think that you have already understood it, that I came to Tumen with orders to see a certain Syvorotka. I had to be with him, use his house, use his protection, use his connections. I did not know who this Syvorotka was.
A cave man? An ex-soldier? A sick man? A fat butcher? A sentimental, but dirty druggist? Of all the men in the world,--and while coming here I imagined all possible types,--that I should have met you, Alex! You have always meant so much to me. I have always liked you. When I saw you last in Petrograd I tried to get you into my affairs. Why? I don't know. You have no ambitions, you have no character,--nothing. And still, I tried to get you, only to be with you. You refused--for you never cared: perhaps once in Marseilles, when you wanted to kiss me (you see I did not forget)--and even at that time you were drunk.... And here in Tumen--you were the man, with whom as they told me, I had to go as far as was necessary to get his good services...."
"Strange life, this one of mine," she ended her remark and again turned to look into the flames.
"Lucie, you never told me you cared, I thought you were for your own affairs much more than for anything else; now I see it in a different light."
"You do? It is late. I am going. I am leaving you--this time for good. A week--or so, and I am far away from here, from you--with all of your good and bad qualities. The time in which we live--does not allow any speculations. One must get what he sees."
What do you mean by 'going away'?"
"Just what I say. I received orders to move to another place. No, I cannot tell you. That's all. You, and this little house, and some hopes I had here,--all, all, must be forgotten. Other people, and other scenery. A radical change again. Heavens knows how soon I can forget this little white cold town...."
"Yes," she continued, looking at me, "yes, this cold town, with you; and you--with your double-crossings, with your reports on me, with your bad behavior, with your treason. Alex--love is a strange thing. I don't mind it at all! You never knew it. You never loved your poor Maroossia: she was your comfort--that's all. You never thought of Lucie de Clive as such: for you--she was a little girl that possibly might have been in your way, but you let her stay because she comforted you. Now--she is going, and very likely you won't see her any more. In your life--she was a page of a book; now you've read it!..."
She was crying, really crying! Such an actress!
36
I came home at seven from the village--nobody in there! Nobody to
give me my tea. All looks empty, abandoned. On the bed pinned to the
pillow,--a note: "Good-by." My companion left me--today. And I had so
much to say to her....
She did not forget to look in my bag before leaving, as I see. I thought so.
My diary has been censored: many pages are missing and some rough hand-made corrections in the text have been made leaving greasy spots on the paper. Some of my documents are stolen. I don't see the letter from Marchenko to Schmelin, the chart with Mamaev's stations, and a few others. Fortunately, Kerensky's letter to Grimm was not taken, as I had put it under the floor of the barn with my money and watch.
She must have had the help of the man with the specs--she would not be able to understand my scratching. They must have been busy all day! But what really gets me wild--almost all of my letters to Goroshkin are here! How did she get them? I understand why Goroshkin's letters missed me--she got them!... Now I understand what she meant by saying that I was trying to double cross her! In fact Lucie is right,--and that's why it's maddening. I wonder what Goroshkin and Marchenko think of me? To whom I must seem a swine! And what a bad way of her's, to leave my letters--a present for me!
She did what she wanted, this creature of intrigues and no personality: with "lips of fire and heart of stone." She got in me a good guardian of her barn, a good transport agent for her Britishers and Letts, she tangled me up in such a way that I could not report on her, she enjoyed the privileges of local Soviet's protection through me,--in short all she wanted.... And here I am alone from now on,--Good-by"--that's all. She left me this little note--and a bitter feeling that formerly I was not alone,--and now I am. For these sensations of lonesomeness a man should never start companionships,--whether with a woman, or a dog, or even a goldfish. The one who is alone--is alone. The one that becomes alone--feels doubly rotten....
"Quidquid ages--prudenter agas, et respice finem"--and I was a fool,--here I am alone like Shelly's moon, and "pardessus-le-marché"--robbed! Am I not an old ass?
She will laugh with her silvery laughter in somebody else's house, she will mend somebody else's socks, and sit on somebody else's lap. The "other chap from Monte Carlo," will be asked whether he remembers me. And the other chap will probably answer her, as I did. How tactless!
My God! Long and uninteresting life looks to me! Does it only look, or did it become?... I must sleep all of this off!
37
My sole connection with the rest of the world is my work in
the Princess' garden. A dull, tiresome, uninteresting work, in
fact--labor. As a diversion--the corpulent cook. My God! If she would
only wash oftener!...
When I come home--I look out of the small window; the landscape is magnificent: about twenty yards of virgin soil with Spring grass on it and the barn on the horizon. Behind--the fence, over which I see the tops of the heads of passers-by.
"Suave mari magno turbantibus aequora ventis spectare laborem...." I forget how it runs further! My latin gets weak. I wish I had Virgil, or even "Commentarii de Bello Gallico." I'd be arrested and tried if I asked for them in a book store....
If only I could obtain some money, and buy a decent suit and get away,--to Vladivostok, and then through America to France. It seems as though France is all. It is life. It is salvation from my miseries.
In the evenings I try to arrange in shape my documents and writings after the looting. For the documents I could be well paid, here,--but I do not want that. Let the Russia of to-morrow see what has been done by our present leaders, and by those who gave us to the scaffold.... M. Kerensky's letter to Grimm--alone would make me happy if some day its contents are known....
Where is Lucie now? How empty my house is!
The Princess came out to me in the garden and asked me whether I could go to Tobolsk and deliver a letter to Mr. Botkin there.
"Of course, I can, your Ladyship, if I have enough money."
"I don't mean that," she answered coldly, looking with disgust at the manure I was mixing, "don't worry, we will pay you. I mean whether you could arrange with your Bolsheviki for a permit."
"Why not?" I answered, "they do not want me. I am not a rich man, nor a Nobleman...." (I simply love to annoy her).
"That will do, Alexei," she said, casting at me a nasty look, "You may come for the letter at dinner time. Tell the cook that you want to see me."
She does not think that I am a man. She hates me. Under my beard and shabby flannel shirt she sees neither my face nor my person. She has no shame before me: were I in my uniform of a gentleman-in-waiting, cleanly shaven and speaking her language, and not in the one I acquired lately, she would have buttoned her shoes, gartered her stockings, and would not have shown the bad quality of her corset cover under her wide-opened robe-de-chambre. If she only knew how her hired help understood her.
At four I was in the kitchen. Here--another interesting phase of life! The woman from Moscow who claims to be a cook, does not think I am from her midst, but feels with her organic cleverness that I am an imposter.
"You,--gentry! You liar! Hate your face! Hope the devil will get you soon!" she says,--but she isn't a bad woman, she means well, only she is not as clean as her profession demands. Altogether the kitchen is a mournful place.
"What is your business?" she asked, "You want to see the Princess? Don't lie to me!"
"My business is none of your business," said I, "Forget it! Better tell me if I can have some beer? Go on, cookie, lay it out. Don't be so stingy!"
The stubborn woman would not give it to me, until I took her gently around the waist and pinched her arm with all of my force,--that's the way to get cook's sympathies; it's astonishing how it works! I got some beer.
Then I was invited in: "Come in, you scabby devil."
"You will have to take this," said the Princess, giving me a letter so that she wouldn't touch my hand, "and be sure they don't catch you with the letter. Be careful, don't drink, Alexei. It's bad to drink; when you come back we'll give you 500 rubles."
"Je né le tolère pas," she said to the Prince, "il a l'air si commun! Il nous vendrait tous, s'il etait assez intelligent!"
The Prince did not answer (I guess he knows more than her Highness) and looked aside, grumbling something just to calm his better half.
I stared at her, just to scare this bad female, from under my eyebrows.
"Vous voyez," the Princess almost cried, "Vous voyez! Mon Dieu! Quel type horrible! J'ai peur de lui! C'est un dégénéré! il nous trahira!" She complimented me in this manner for a while, and then started to give me some silly instructions,--how to get there, etc.
Finally, I left the house, went to Schmelin and got his permission in a minute, and tonight--I am leaving.
My house and all in it will be taken good care of,--Schmelin promised to look after it.
Good-by, my humble hut! Good-by Tumen!