The Adventures of David Simple (1904)/Chapter 15
CHAPTER IV
in which is seen the negative description most proper to set forth the no qualities of a great number of creatures who strut about on the face of the earth
The next morning David asked Spatter what it was he meant by his nobodies. He told him he meant a number of figures of men, whom he knew not how to I give any other denomination to: but if he would saunter with him from coffee-house to coffee-house, and into St. James's Park, which are places they much haunt, he would show him great numbers of them; he need not be afraid of them, for although there was no good in them, yet were they perfectly inoffensive; they would talk for ever, and say nothing; were always in motion, and yet could not properly be said ever to act. "They have neither wit nor sense of any kind; and yet, as they have no passions, they are seldom guilty of so many indiscretions as other men: the only thing they can be said to have, is pride; and the only way to find that out, is, by a strut in their gait, something resembling that of the peacock's, which shews that they are conscious (if they can be said to have any consciousness) of their own dignity; and, like the peacock, their vanity is all owing to their fine feathers: for they are generally adorned with all the art imaginable.
"But come, if you will go with me, you may see them; for now is the time for them to peep abroad, which they generally do about noon."
David and Spatter spent all that day in rambling about with these nobodies; for as Spatter knew their walks, they soon met whole clusters of them. David found them just what his companion had described them: and when they came home at night, he said, it had been the most agreeable day he had spent a great while; for he was only hurt by conversing with mischievous animals; but these creatures appeared quite harmless, and they certainly were created for some wise purpose. They might, perhaps, like cyphers in an account, be of great use in the whole, though it was not to be found out by the narrow sight of ignorant mortals. Spatter made no other answer, but by uttering the word fools with some earnestness; a monosyllable he always chose to pronounce before he went to bed, insomuch that it was thought by some who knew him, he could not sleep without it. After this, they both retired to rest.
The next day they accidentally met at a coffee-house an acquaintance of Spatter's, who behaved with that extreme civility and good-humour to every thing around him that David took a great fancy to him, and resolved to spend the day with him. They went all to a tavern to dinner, and there passed a scene which would have been no ill entertainment to the true lovers of ridicule: the conversation turned mostly on the characters of the men best known about town. Mr. Varnish, for that was this gentleman's name, found something praiseworthy in everybody who was mentioned; he dropped all their faults, talked of nothing but their good qualities, and sought out good motives for every action that had any appearance of bad. He turned extravagance into generosity, avarice into prudence, and so on, through the whole catalogue of virtues and vices; and when he was pushed so home on any person's faults, that he could not entirely justify them, but would only say, indeed, they were not what he could wish them; however, he was sure they had some good in them. On the contrary, Spatter fell to cutting up every fresh person who was brought on the carpet, without any mercy. He loaded them with blemishes, was silent on all their perfections, imputed good actions to bad motives; looked through the magnifying glass on all their defects, and through the other end of the perspective on every thing commendable in them: and, quite opposite to Mr. Varnish, he always spoke in the affirmative when he was condemning; and in the negative when he was forced, in spite of himself, to allow the unfortunate wretch, whom he was so horribly mauling, any good qualities.
If the reader has a mind to have a lively idea of this scene, let him imagine to himself a contention between a painter, who is finishing his favourite piece, and a man who places his delight in throwing dirt; as fast as the one employs his art to make it , beautiful, and hide its blemishes, the other comes with shoals of dirt, and bespatters it all over. And poor David was in the situation of a man who was to view the piece, which had thus alternately been touched by the pencil, and daubed with mud, till it was impossible to guess what it originally was. Or if this will not give him an adequate idea of it, let him fancy a vain man giving his own character, and a revengeful one giving that of his most inveterate enemy. This contrast, in these two men, and the eagerness with which they both espoused their favourite topicks, one of praising, and the other of blaming, would have been the highest diversion to all those men who make it their business to get together such companies, as, by opposing each other, afford them matter of laughter.
But poor Mr. Simple looked on things in another light; he was seriously considering the motives from which they both acted: he could not help applauding Mr. Varnish; but then he was afraid lest he should be too credulous in his good opinion, as he had often been already; and in the end discover, that all this appearance of good-nature was not founded on any real merit, as most of the people they had talked of were strangers to him; and he was not of the opinion, that the more ignorant a man is of any subject, the more necessary it is to talk of it. He said very little: but when he came home in the evening, he asked Spatter, what could be the reason he so earnestly insisted on putting the worst construction on every man's actions: who replied, that he hated detractions as much as any man living, and was as willing to allow men the merit they really had; but he could not bear to see a fellow imposing himself as a good-natured man on the world, only because nature had given him none of that melancholy which physicians call by the name of black blood, which makes him, to please himself, look on every thing on the best side. "I cannot say," continued he, " that gentleman is ill-humoured; but I am confident he has none of those sensations which arise from good-nature; for if the best friend he had was in ever so deplorable a situation, I don't say he would do nothing to relieve him, but he would go on in his good-humoured way, and feel no uneasiness from anything he suffered. This I say, only to shew you, how desirous I am of placing things in the most favourable light: for it is rather my opinion, he is so despicable a fellow, as to lead a life of continual hypocrisy, and affects all that complaisance only to deceive mankind. And as he is no fool, he may think deeply enough to know, that the praising of people for what they don't deserve, is the surest way of making them contemptible, and leading others into the thinking of their faults. For with all his love of his species, I can't find it goes farther than words: I never heard of any thing remarkable he did to prove that love." David said, let what would be the cause of his good-humour, and apparent good nature, yet if his actions were not conformable to his discourse, he could not esteem him; although he could not help being pleased with his conversation.
Thus they talked on from one subject to another, till they happened on revenge. David said, of all things in the world, he should hate a man who was of a vindictive temper; for his part, he could never keep up anger against any one, even though he should endeavour to do it. All he would do, when he found a man capable of hurting him (unprovoked) was to avoid him. "Indeed, sir," says Spatter, "I am not of your mind; for I think there is nothing so pleasant as revenge: I would pursue a man who had injured me, to the very brink of life. I know it would be impossible for me ever to forgive him; and I would have the pleasure of seeing him miserable." David was amazed at this, and said, "Pray, sir, consider, as you are a Christian, you cannot act in that manner." Spatter replied, he was sorry it was against the rules of Christianity, but he could not help his temper: he thought forgiving any body a very great meanness, and he was sure it was what he could never bring himself to. But as they were both tired, they separated without any further discourse on that subject for that night.