Book I
Chapter I
THE Pipe Philosophy is divided into two parts, which must be dealt with separately and in no wise confounded.
Now the first part concerns itself with the matter (materies), and the second part with the manner (modus). The matter contains all things used in smoking, such as be pipes, tobacco, and so on; and the manner treats of the ways in which smoking can be considered. And since we cannot treat of the latter as it ought to be treated without a perfect knowledge of the former, it followeth of necessity that we must first consider at length the matter, and that being thoroughly digested, pass on to the manner.
Now, matter being taken first, it is proper that it should be reasonably anatomised and divided; and the division commonly in vogue is that into four kinds—namely (1) necessary matter; (2) contingent necessary matter; (3) contingent unnecessary matter; (4) impossible matter. And the meaning of these terms is as follows:—
| (1) | Necessary matter is that without which the act of smoking is impossible. |
| (2) | Contingent necessary matter is that which, although not absolutely necessary to the act of smoking, is seldom wanting. |
| (3) | Contingent unnecessary matter comprehends such things as convenient in smoking, but are wholly unnecessary. |
| (4) | Impossible matter is that of which it is possible to inhale the fumes through a pipe; but since it is not tobacco, the inhaling of its fumes is not smoking, and with it it is impossible to smoke. |
| Necessary Matter | Q. |
| Contingent Necessary Matter | U. |
| Contingent Unnecessary Matter | I. |
| Impossible Matter | D. |
Which letters being compounded into one word Quid give the whole division of matter; or, as the Schoolmen do name it, the "Quidditas," which Quidditas being subdivided and cut up, appeareth in Synopsis, ut infra.
| Q. | Necessary Matter | Tobacco. | |
| U. | Contingent Necessary Matter | Pipes. | |
| Cigar Tubes. | |||
| I. | Contingent Unnecessary Matter | Tobacco Pouches. R. | |
| Cigar Cases. O. | |||
| Tobacco Jars. T. | |||
| D. | Impossible Matter | Canes. B. | |
| Brown Paper. O. | |||
| Non-nicotinous Herbs. S. | |||
| Opium. H. |
Et Tubulos: ac I solum Rot continet omne:
Ultima Bosh teneat, quæ D dicatur; et usque
Dum spiro fumem, recubans sub tegmine fagi.[1]
And by this synopsis we ascertain the exact signification of the four categories. For it is evident that in necessary matter tobacco is the only thing absolutely necessary to smoking, and in contingent necessary matter that pipes and cigar-tubes, though not absolutely necessary, are, in the vast majority of cases, used. As to contingent unnecessary matter, it is plain that men can very well smoke without possessing jars or pouches; but as to impossible matter, since smoking is defined as "the inhaling of the fume of tobacco," it is evident that the inhaling of the fume of aught beside tobacco is not smoking, and that therefore with such it is impossible to smoke.
This, then, is the generally-received division of matter, and the explanation thereof; but before we proceed to examine the subdivisions of the four categories more precisely, it is needful to notice certain opinions of those who do not assent to the above division.
For, in the first place, there are philosophers who would delete contingent unnecessary matter on the ground that if a man smoke he must have tobacco, and this tobacco must have position. Now, since jar, pouch, &c., are terms of which the meaning is "things to contain tobacco," it follows that anything which contains tobacco will come under the same category. But it has been shown that tobacco must be contained by something—i.e., have position; therefore the matter now named unnecessary should rightly be termed necessary, though contingently and not absolutely.
Secondly come those who attack the scholastic definition of smoking—"the inhaling the fume of tobacco"—and substitute for it "the inhaling the fume of any soporific or narcotic herb or substance," the effect of which is to alter in some manner the category of impossible matter. For in accordance with their theory they remove opium and all narcotics as being not really impossible, and place them in a new category of contingently possible matter. These men, however, do not go as far as some, who would abolish impossible matter altogether, their definition of smoking being "the inhaling the smoke of any substance whatsoever," thus putting the vile cabbage on an equality with our superexcellent herb. But the more reasonable of the Soporifics (as they may fairly be named) argue somewhat as follows:—
If I be, perchance, an inhabitant of some land in which tobacco is unknown, but where a herb of like properties is used in its place, then for me that herb becomes in truth necessary matter; for I know of none other, and without it smoking would be, as far as I am concerned, impossible.
Yet, admitting that in this there is some tincture of reason, we must not let ourselves be bewildered into accepting such a theory. For it is to be remarked that these divergencies arise from a denying of the scholastic definition, and the substitution of one more or less plausible. But we of the orthodox school, who pride ourselves on having kept the Divine tradition intact and unaltered from the days of Pythagoras, will not suffer one jot or tittle to be abated from the wisdom of our predecessors, and are therefore untouched by these curious subtleties.
But with regard to those who would affirm that all receptacles of tobacco are contingently necessary, I confess their sophistries are somewhat less facile to grapple with.
Now I will not deny their main thesis, that if I smoke tobacco I must have tobacco; that that tobacco must be contained by something; that the various subdivisions of "pouch," "jar," &c., are merely different sorts of things for containing tobacco; and therefore that they are necessary. So in some wise they are in the right. But if we consider that the category is applied strictly to the act of smoking without reference à parte ante or à parte post, but only to the very act itself, we shall perceive the Schoolmen to have been in the right in maintaining that category to be valid. For taking their heterodox position we might as fairly maintain that ash-trays are necessary, seeing that before a pipe can be filled with tobacco the ashes that be in it must be emptied out; that these ashes being matter must be contained by something (and ash-tray is only a name given to a thing for the containing of ashes): therefore ash-trays are necessary. And again arguing à parte ante we may conclude that earth itself is necessary to smoking. For if I smoke I must have tobacco, and that tobacco must have been produced from the earth; therefore earth is necessary. But since no reasonable man would dream of classing it as necessary matter, we hereby perceive the vanity and inutility of such reasoning.
And so the scholastic categories having been put to the test and vindicated, we are free to close the present matter and pass on to the next section with clear pipes, unbefouled with the Acrid Oil of Sophistry and the Uliginous Ashes of Unreason.
- ↑ Concerning these notable lines much dispute hath arisen, and especially as to the last. For Sabrinus Corollarius conjectures from the last half thereof that the author must have had access to Vergilius' waste-paper basket, while Bibliothecarius Classicus denies that Vergilius had a waste-paper basket at all, and holds the writer to have been one of the brilliant circle of poets and philosophers who gathered round the famous Pomposus de Bretoburcus, citing as a proof the expression, "dum spiro fumem," which he compares to the fragment "dum spiro, spero," universally attributed to Bretoburcus. The purpose and intent of the line after the D hath also been the subject of much strife, some assigning to the letter a mystical and cabalistic meaning, and identifying it with that D which, according to Gilbertus, it was not lawful for seamen to utter. But on this see the Orphic poem of Gilbertus, called D. M. S. Pinaphoria.