CANTO VII
Ministerial Conference
That night the ministerial corps
At secret cabinet session
Discussed the topic of a god,—
Which was a rare digression.
On one point they were all agreed,
For all of them maintained
Without a god the common herd
Could never be restrained.
Aside from this agreement
Their differences were wide;
Since to each weighty problem
There is another side.
While the progressives favored
A salary from rents,
The mossbacks advocated
Pay from emoluments.
The Prime Minister now arose,
His colleagues to address:
“We must, as is the custom,
Announce it through the Press;
“So that, according to our rules,
Contestants may apply
From whom our Tsar can pick out
One who may qualify.”
The Minister of Foreign Affairs
Now gave a guarded hint
That also foreign papers,
Should the announcement print,
Since there was not a native
With ability or skill
With whom this great position
They, with confidence, could fill:
“We cannot use a novice—
We must have one well tried;
One highly recommended,
Able and dignified.
“Nor must we stint our roubles
For the honor of the State,
We dare not wrong impressions
In foreign lands create.”
The Minister of Finance,
With penury beset,
Urged that by public auction
The job of god be let.
“Whoever makes the offer
To take the smallest pay,
Shall, disregarding fitness,
Be hired, without delay.
“But ere we sign a contract
Conditions we’ll insert
That churchly gold and silver
Must to our mint revert.
“So that with our obligations
Our bonds be kept at par,
This is a financial problem;
All the rest is—caviar.”
Now the Minister of Buildings
Argued that they must arrange
Into military barracks
Every monast’ry to change.
By this coup the Tsar’s possessions
Greatly would accumulate,
Ere they place in his position
The prospective candidate.
“It is my sincere opinion,”
Said the Minister of Laws,
“That in all of our announcements
We insert the following clause:
“‘The incumbent must agree to
Punish every lying dolt—
Or whoever bears false witness—
With his mighty thunderbolt.’
“For the rabble, in it’s folly
Might betray the royal court—
Perjure itself, disobey us—
Of the Tsar make wanton sport.”
But the Chief of Education
Ventured forth to this effect:
That they, to perform god’s duties,
Some fair widow should select.
She may choose as an assistant,
Which they gladly will permit
Perhaps a howling dervish,
Or some wily Jesuit.
Thus they could run the office
At a much lower price,
Since he himself, if need be,
Would help with his advice.
He slyly calculated
That he would soon control
Widow, as well as office—
Which was his secret goal.
Now came the Minister of War
And said: “I recommend
That one of our old generals
God’s office should attend.
“Inured to regulation,
He will subordinate
His will to our Tsar’s wishes,—
Save money for the State.
“The one who is best suited
Is Marshal Comispeer,
For he can fill the peasants
With terror and with fear.
“And then, as greater safeguard,
To the outfit we may add
Some clever literary
And theologic lad.
“Thus we will Church and Army
Bring under one command,
And discipline the Clergy—
That contumacious band.”
The Minister of Safety,
Devoid of argument,
As last, sent his proposal,
A well sealed document—
Since the police in darkness
Delights to prowl and prey
In surreptitious manner,
It shuns the light of day.
Though it was sealed and secret
What the Safety Chief advised,
These were his recommendations,
As everyone surmised:
Confession, absolution,
Jesuits, Latin prayer;
Teach people moderation
In daily drink and fare.
As bait: a bit of heaven,
Some swollen-throated saint—
From high up comes all power—
And devils for restraint.
