The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book I, Chapter VII

CHAPTER VII.

_Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and a

panegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in the

sublime style._

It is the observation of some antient sage, whose name I have forgot,

that passions operate differently on the human mind, as diseases on the

body, in proportion to the strength or weakness, soundness or

rottenness, of the one and the other.

We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some pains to

observe, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the different

operations of this passion of love in the gentle and cultivated mind of

the Lady Booby, from those which it effected in the less polished and

coarser disposition of Mrs Slipslop.

Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my memory, hath

somewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence of the beloved

object are very apt to vanish in its presence; on both which wise

sayings the following chapter may serve as a comment.

No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before related

than the lady, enraged at her disappointment, began to reflect with

severity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to disdain, which

pride assisted to torment her. She despised herself for the meanness of

her passion, and Joseph for its ill success. However, she had now got

the better of it in her own opinion, and determined immediately to

dismiss the object. After much tossing and turning in her bed, and many

soliloquies, which if we had no better matter for our reader we would

give him, she at last rung the bell as above mentioned, and was

presently attended by Mrs Slipslop, who was not much better pleased with

Joseph than the lady herself.

"Slipslop," said Lady Booby, "when did you see Joseph?" The poor woman

was so surprized at the unexpected sound of his name at so critical a

time, that she had the greatest difficulty to conceal the confusion she

was under from her mistress; whom she answered, nevertheless, with

pretty good confidence, though not entirely void of fear of suspicion,

that she had not seen him that morning. "I am afraid," said Lady Booby,

"he is a wild young fellow."--"That he is," said Slipslop, "and a

wicked one too. To my knowledge he games, drinks, swears, and fights

eternally; besides, he is horribly indicted to wenching."--"Ay!" said

the lady, "I never heard that of him."--"O madam!" answered the other,

"he is so lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer,

you will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet I

can't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond as

they are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I ever

upheld."--"Nay," said the lady, "the boy is well enough."--"La! ma'am,"

cries Slipslop, "I think him the ragmaticallest fellow in the

family."--"Sure, Slipslop," says she, "you are mistaken: but which of

the women do you most suspect?"--"Madam," says Slipslop, "there is Betty

the chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by him."--"Ay!"

says the lady, "then pray pay her her wages instantly. I will keep no

such sluts in my family. And as for Joseph, you may discard him

too."--"Would your ladyship have him paid off immediately?" cries

Slipslop, "for perhaps, when Betty is gone he may mend: and really the

boy is a good servant, and a strong healthy luscious boy enough."--

"This morning," answered the lady with some vehemence. "I wish, madam,"

cries Slipslop, "your ladyship would be so good as to try him a little

longer."--"I will not have my commands disputed," said the lady; "sure

you are not fond of him yourself?"--"I, madam!" cries Slipslop,

reddening, if not blushing, "I should be sorry to think your ladyship

had any reason to respect me of fondness for a fellow; and if it be your

pleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much reluctance as possible."--"As

little, I suppose you mean," said the lady; "and so about it instantly."

Mrs. Slipslop went out, and the lady had scarce taken two turns before

she fell to knocking and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who did

not travel post haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as to

Joseph, but ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. She

went out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when the

lady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and to

apprehend the return of her affection, with its pernicious consequences;

she therefore applied herself again to the bell, and re-summoned Mrs.

Slipslop into her presence; who again returned, and was told by her

mistress that she had considered better of the matter, and was

absolutely resolved to turn away Joseph; which she ordered her to do

immediately. Slipslop, who knew the violence of her lady's temper, and

would not venture her place for any Adonis or Hercules in the universe,

left her a third time; which she had no sooner done, than the little god

Cupid, fearing he had not yet done the lady's business, took a fresh

arrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directly

into her heart; in other and plainer language, the lady's passion got

the better of her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and told

her she had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; therefore

bid her send him up. This wavering in her mistress's temper probably put

something into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to mention

to the sagacious reader.

Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not prevail with

herself. The next consideration therefore was, how she should behave to

Joseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve all the dignity of the

woman of fashion to her servant, and to indulge herself in this last

view of Joseph (for that she was most certainly resolved it should be)

at his own expense, by first insulting and then discarding him.

O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries of both

sexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive themselves!

Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee laugh, and their

pangs are thy merriment!

Not the great Rich, who turns men into monkeys, wheel-barrows, and

whatever else best humours his fancy, hath so strangely metamorphosed

the human shape; nor the great Cibber, who confounds all number, gender,

and breaks through every rule of grammar at his will, hath so distorted

the English language as thou dost metamorphose and distort the

human senses.

Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away the

power of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest object,

hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant perfume. Again, when

thou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill appear as a mountain, a

Jew's-harp sound like a trumpet, and a daisy smell like a violet. Thou

canst make cowardice brave, avarice generous, pride humble, and cruelty

tender-hearted. In short, thou turnest the heart of man inside out, as a

juggler doth a petticoat, and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee out

from it. If there be any one who doubts all this, let him read the

next chapter.