EVERY one was very kind to me. Dazed as I was, I appreciated that. I felt no overwhelming grief. Papa had never loved me, I knew that well enough. If he had, I might have loved him in return. No, there had not been love between us, but we had belonged together, and I had looked after him, and had secretly admired his learning and his uncompromising devotion to science. And it hurt me that Papa should have died just when the interest of life was at its height for him. I should have felt happier if I could have buried him in a cave, with paintings of reindeer and flint implements, but the force of public opinion constrained a neat tomb (with marble slab) in our hideous local churchyard. The vicar's consolations, though well meant, did not console me in the least.
It took some time to dawn upon me that the thing I had always longed for—freedom—was at last mine. I was an orphan, and practically penniless, but free. At the same time I realized the extraordinary kindness of all these good people. The vicar did his best to persuade me that his wife was in urgent need of a companion help. Our tiny local library suddenly made up its mind to have an assistant librarian. Finally, the doctor called upon me, and after making various ridiculous excuses for failing to send in a proper bill, he hummed and hawed a good deal and suddenly suggested that I should marry him.
I was very much astonished. The doctor was nearer forty than thirty, and a round, tubby little man. He was not at all like the hero of "The Perils of Pamela," and even less like a stern and silent Rhodesian. I reflected a minute and then asked him why he wanted to marry me. That seemed to fluster him a good deal, and he murmured that a wife was a great help to a General Practitioner. The position seemed even more unromantic than before, and yet something in me urged towards its acceptance. Safety, that was what I was being offered. Safety—and a Comfortable Home. Thinking it over now, I believe I did the little man an injustice. He was honestly in love with me, but a mistaken delicacy prevented him from pressing his suit on those lines. Anyway, my love of romance rebelled.
"It's extremely kind of you," I said. "But it's impossible. I could never marry a man unless I loved him madly."
"You don't think?"
"No, I don't," I said firmly.
He sighed.
"But, my dear child, what do you propose to do?"
"Have adventures and see the world," I replied, without the least hesitation.
"Miss Anne, you are very much of a child still. You don't understand"
"The practical difficulties? Yes, I do, doctor. I'm not a sentimental schoolgirl—I'm a hard-headed mercenary shrew! You'd know it if you married me!"
"I wish you would reconsider"
"I can't."
He sighed again.
"I have another proposal to make. An aunt of mine who lives in Wales is in want of a young lady to help her. How would that suit you?"
"No, doctor, I'm going to London. If things happen anywhere, they happen in London. I shall keep my eyes open and you'll see, something will turn up! You'll hear of me next in China or Timbuctoo."
My next visitor was Mr. Flemming, Papa's London solicitor. He came down specially from town to see me. An ardent anthropologist himself, he was a great admirer of Papa's works. He was a tall, spare man with a thin face and grey hair. He rose to meet me as I entered the room, and, taking both my hands in his, patted them affectionately.
"My poor child," he said. "My poor, poor child."
Without conscious hypocrisy, I found myself assuming the demeanour of a bereaved orphan. He hypnotized me into it. He was benignant, kind and fatherly—and without the least doubt he regarded me as a perfect fool of a girl left adrift to face an unkind world. From the first I felt that it was quite useless to try to convince him of the contrary. As things turned out, perhaps it was just as well I didn't.
"My dear child, do you think you can listen to me whilst I try to make a few things clear to you?"
"Oh, yes."
"Your father, as you know, was a very great man. Posterity will appreciate him. But he was not a good man of business."
I knew that quite as well, if not better than Mr. Flemming, but I restrained myself from saying so. He continued:
"I do not suppose you understand much of these matters. I will try to explain as clearly as I can."
He explained at unnecessary length. The upshot seemed to be that I was left to face life with the sum of £87, 17s. 4d. It seemed a strangely unsatisfying amount. I waited in some trepidation for what was coming next. I feared that Mr. Flemming would be sure to have an aunt in Scotland who was in want of a bright young companion. Apparently, however, he hadn't.
"The question is," he went on, "the future. I understand you have no living relatives?"
"I'm alone in the world," I said, and was struck anew by my likeness to a film heroine.
"You have friends?"
"Every one has been very kind to me," I said gratefully.
"Who would not be kind to one so young and charming?" said Mr. Flemming gallantly. "Well, well, my dear, we must see what can be done." He hesitated a minute, and then said: "Supposing—how would it be if you came to us for a time?"
I jumped at the chance. London! The place for things to happen.
"It's awfully kind of you," I said. "Might I really? Just while I'm looking round. I must start out to earn my living, you know?"
"Yes, yes, my dear child. I quite understand. We will look round for something—suitable."
I felt instinctively that Mr. Flemming's ideas of "something suitable" and mine were likely to be widely divergent, but it was certainly not the moment to air my views.
"That is settled then. Why not return with me today?"
"Oh, thank you, but will Mrs. Flemming"
"My wife will be delighted to welcome you."
I wonder if husbands know as much about their wives as they think they do. If I had a husband, I should hate him to bring home orphans without consulting me first.
"We will send her a wire from the station," continued the lawyer.
My few personal belongings were soon packed. I contemplaed my hat sadly before putting it on. It had originally ben what I call a "Mary" hat, meaning by that the kind of hat a housemaid ought to wear on her day out—but doesn't! A limp thing of black straw with a suitably depressed brim. With the inspiration of genius, I had kicked it once, punched it twice, dented in the crown and affixed to it a thing like a cubist's dream of a jazz carrot. The result had been distinctly chic. The carrot I had already removed, of course, and now I proceeded to undo the rest of my handiwork. The "Mary" hat resumed its former status with an additional battered appearance which made it look even more depressing than formerly. I might as well look as much like the popular conception of an orphan as possible. I was just a shade nervous of Mrs. Flemming's reception, but hoped my appearance might have a sufficiently disarming effect.
Mr. Flemming was nervous too. I realized that as we went up the stairs of the tall house in a quiet Kensington Square. Mrs. Flemming greeted me pleasantly enough. She was a stout, placid woman of the "good wife and mother" type. She took me up to a spotless chintz-hung bedroom, hoped I had everything I wanted, informed me that tea would be ready in about a quarter of an hour, and left me to my own devices.
I heard her voice, slightly raised, as she entered the drawing-room below on the first floor.
"Well, Henry, why on earth" I lost the rest, but the acerbity of the tone was evident. And a few minutes later another phrase floated up to me, in an even more acid voice:
"I agree with you! She is certainly very good-looking."
It is really a very hard life. Men will not be nice to you if you are not good-looking, and women will not be nice to you if you are.
With a deep sigh I proceeded to do things to my hair. I have nice hair. It is black—a real black, not dark brown, and it grows well back from my forehead and down over the ears. With a ruthless hand I dragged it upwards. As ears, my ears are quite all right, but there is no doubt about it, ears are démodé nowadays. They are like the "Queen of Spain's legs" in Professor Peterson's young day. When I had finished I looked almost unbelievably like the kind of orphan that walks out in a queue with a little bonnet and a red cloak.
I noticed when I went down that Mrs. Flemming's eyes rested on my exposed ears with quite a kindly glance. Mr. Flemming seemed puzzled. I had no doubt that he was saying to himself, "What has the child done to herself?"
On the whole the rest of the day passed off well. It was settled that I was to start at once to look for something to do.
When I went to bed, I stared earnestly at my face in the glass. Was I really good-looking? Honestly, I couldn't say I thought so! I hadn't got a straight Grecian nose, or a rosebud mouth, or any of the things you ought to have. It is true that a curate once told me that my eyes were like "imprisoned sunshine in a dark, dark wood"—but curates always know so many quotations, and fire them off at random. I'd much prefer to have Irish blue eyes than dark green ones with yellow flecks! Still, green is a good colour for adventuresses.
I wound a black garment tightly round me, leaving my arms and shoulders bare. Then I brushed back my hair and pulled it well down over my ears again. I put a lot of powder on my face, so that the skin seemed even whiter than usual. I fished about until I found some old lip-salve, and I put oceans of it on my lips. Then I did under my eyes with burnt cork. Finally, I draped a red ribbon over my bare shoulder, stuck a scarlet feather in my hair, and placed a cigarette in one corner of my mouth. The whole effect pleased me very much.
"Anna the Adventuress," I said aloud, nodding at my reflection. "Anna the Adventuress. Episode I, 'The House in Kensington'!"
Girls are foolish things.