CHAPTER V.
AUDIENCE OF THE COMPTROLLER-GENERAL.
I went, with my half-crown, to present a petition to the comptroller-general, who was that day giving audience.
His ante-chamber was filled with people of all kinds. There were there especially some with more bluff faces, more prominent bellies, and more arrogant looks than my man of eight millions. I durst not draw near to them; I saw them, but they did not observe me.
A monk, a great man for tithes, had begun a suit at law against certain subjects of the state, whom he called his tenants. He had already a larger income than the half of his parishioners put together, and was moreover lord of the manor. His claim was, that whereas his vassals had, with infinite pains, converted their heaths into vineyards, they owed him a tithe of the wine, which, taking into the account the price of labor, of the vine-props, of the casks and cellarage, would carry off above a quarter of the produce.
"But," said he, "as the tithes are due, jure divino, I demand the quarter of the substance of my tenants, in the name of God."
The minister of the revenue said to him, "I see how charitable you are."
A farmer-general, extremely well-skilled in assessments, interposed, saying:
"Sir, that village can afford nothing to this monk, as I have, but the last year, made the parishioners pay thirty-two taxes on their wine, besides their overconsumption of the allowance for their own drinking. They are entirely ruined. I have seized and sold their cattle and movables, and yet they are still my debtors. I protest, then, against the claim of the reverend father."
"You are in the right," answered the minister of the revenue, "to be his rival; you both equally love your neighbor, and you both edify me."
A third, a monk and lord of the manor, whose tenants were in mortmain, was waiting for a decree of the council that should put him in possession of all the estate of a Paris simpleton who, having inadvertently lived a year and a day in a house subject to this servitude and enclosed within the property of this priest, had died at the year's end. The monk was claiming all the estate of this person, and claiming it jure divino.
The minister found by this that the heart of this monk was as just and as tender as those of the others.
A fourth, who was comptroller of the royal domains, presented a specious memorial, in which he sought to justify his having reduced twenty families to beggary. They had inherited property from their uncles, their aunts, their brothers, or cousins, and were liable to pay the duties. The officers of the domain had generously proved to them that they had not set the full value on their inheritances—that they were much richer than they believed, and, consequently, having condemned them to a triple fine, ruined them in charges, and threw the heads of the families into jail, he had bought their best possessions without untying his purse-strings.
The comptroller-general said to him, in a tone indeed rather bitter:
"Euge, controlleur bone et fidelis, quia supra pauca fuisti fidelis, fermier-general te constituam."
But to a master of the requests, who was standing at his side, he said in a low voice:
"We must make these blood-suckers, sacred and profane, disgorge. It is time to give some relief to the people, who, without our care, and our equity, would have nothing to live upon, in this world at least, however they might fare in the other."
Some, of profound genius, presented projects to him. One of them had imagined a scheme to lay a tax on wit. "All the world," said he, "will be eager to pay, as no one cares to pass for a fool."
The minister declared to him, "I exempt you from the tax."
Another proposed to lay the only tax upon songs and laughing, in consideration that we were the merriest nation under the sun, and that a song was a relief and comfort for everything. But the minister observed that of late there were hardly any songs of pleasantry made; and he was afraid that, to escape the tax, we would become too serious.
The next that presented himself was a trusty and loyal subject, who offered to raise for the king three times as much by making the nation pay three times less. The minister advised him to learn arithmetic.
A fourth proved to the king in the way of friendship, that he could not raise above seventy-five millions, but that he was going to procure him two hundred and twenty-five. "You will oblige me in this," said the minister, "as soon as we shall have paid the public debts."
At length, who should appear but a deputy of the new author, who makes the legislative power co-proprietor of all our lands, jure divino, and who was giving the king twelve hundred millions of revenue. I knew the man again who had flung me into prison for not having paid my twenty crowns, and throwing myself at the feet of the comptroller-general, I implored his justice; upon which he burst out a-laughing, and telling me it was a trick that had been played me, he ordered the doers of this mischief in jest to pay me a hundred crowns damages, and exempted me from the land-tax for the rest of my life. I said to him, "God bless your honor!"