The Scots Piper's Queries, or, John Falkirk's Caraches (Edinburgh)/The Quaker and Clown
The QUAKER and CLOWN a WONDERFUL TALE.
A Certain clown, named Roger, loved the chimney corner so much better than a church pew, that he constantly passed his Sundays in i. It was so long since he had attended divine service that he scarce remembered the colour of the parson's cassock. His wife, who heartily wished his absence was more frequent, took occasion one day to represent to him in the most emphatica manner what a heinous ⟨crime⟩ it was to neglect divine service. She he'd forth so long and so loud on this head, that he, tired by her arguments, determined to leave his beloved seat with un intent on to go to church. He went accordingly from home; but happening in his way to the church to see the door of the quaker's quakers meeting open, he went in, sat down on a form and tell fast asleep.
Aminadab Holdforth having sustained some losses, was telling his auditors that whatever they gave him should be returned twofold. Roger waked just as he made this declaration, and from the meeting to his cottage revolved these words in his mind.
When he got home he repeated them to his wife; telling at the same time that as he thought it improbable his friend Aminadab should lie, he was determined to make him a ⟨present⟩ of his cow Cherry: as it would, according to his promise in the meeting, be returned two fold.
On this extraordinary information the door woman set up an horrid outcry: urging in the strongest terms that ⟨her⟩ dear Cherry's milk was their chief ⟨support⟩; but all to no purpose, Roger was absolutely bent on his design, and dove her away immediately Aminadab, regardless of his wife's lamentations and piteous moans.
When he arrived at his house, Friend Aminadab happned to be at the door. Roger directly doff d his hat & gnawing its corner, addressed him in the following manner:—Friend Aminadab, Ize brought you here our cow Cherry, an you pleases to acceptan her. Thou art an honest fellow, replies Aminadab: Here, Sarah, take our ⟨honest⟩ neighbour into the kitchen and let him eat heartily: and hark ye, make him drink some of our best ale. At these sounds Roger's heart leapt with joy. He was conducted to the kitchen where he acted his part most manfully: and in two hours, was sent home as happy as a prince.
When he came home he boasted to his wife that he had already received something in part of his gift that ⟨all⟩ would be returned in time, and he was certain his friend Aminadab had spoken truth: but his wife Interrupting him in the harangue with an accusation of stupidity and having foolishly ruined himself and her. Roger to avoid farther altercation retired to bed, and slept soundly till morning.
As soon as Roger waked his ears were attracted by the sounds of moo—moo—moo, under his window. He got up and looking out perceived his own cow Cherry and Aminadab's bull whom she had decoyed home with her. Overjoyed at the sight he waked his wife, and informed her of their good fortune; and likewise upbraiding her for her unbelief of words uttered at the meeting: and remarked that his friend Aminadab had been better than his word, for he had not only returned his gift twofold but had likewise given him the best dinner he had ever tasted in his life.
It was then determined to sell the bull and keep the cow. No sooner resolved on than put in execution? the bull was sold, and the cow reserved for her former use.
Roger having such success by going to meeting determined to go there again. The next Sunday, being seated as before, he was very attention to Aminadab's discourse; and towards the conclusion, he was greatly astonished to hear him pronounce the following words: "that whereas on Monday last I have lost my bull together with a cow lately made me present of; whoever can give information of the said cow and bull, so as they may be recovered may receive a crown reward."
This appearing somewhat mysterious to Roger, he resolved to intimate his surprize to Aminadad; whom he addressed accordingly, as he was coming out of the meeting. The Quaker finding by his discourse that he was the person who had got both cow and bull, told him in a great passion that he would the next morning take a ride to Mr. Clearcase (a justice of peace, who lived at about three miles distance) and inform him of the affair. Roger determined to be at the justices as soon as the Quaker, and set out accordingly the next morning early.
On the road, Roger espied the Quaker's horse tied to the door of a small hedge alehouse to which he immediately went; and, peeping thro' a window perceived Aminadab and the landlord's wife transacting some affairs which could not be termed absolutely descreet. At this unexpected sight Roger was greatly overjoyed, knowing he could intimidate the Quaker at any time by letting him understand what he was privey to, which would excite the rage of his own conjugal termagant.
Roger entering the house, drunk a pint of ale with all possible speed; and then informed the servant Mr Holdforth and he had agreed to ride sped and spell or what is otherwise called ride and tye a method practised in the country when two go together and have but one horse between them, one riding first and leaving the horse at a place appointed: or if neither of them knew the way tying him to the door of some public house, in such a manner as the other must absolutely see it; and describing to the people of the house, the person they are to deliver the horse to; in this manner they proceed during the whole journey.
Roger having got possession of Aminadab's horse rode it to the town where the justice of the peace lived and struck up a bargain with a great deal of expedition and sold it; then waited at the justice's door for the Quaker.
Poor Aminadab whose corpulence was no great friend to his walking in a short time after came puffing and blowing towards the justice's. Roger immediately informed him, that being very much tired by the journey, and seeing his horse stand idle at a door, he had made bold to use him: and finding a chap who was willing to give a good price for him he readily sold him, thinking it a sin to refuse a good offer; and therefore hoped he would not take it ill what he had done,
Upon hearing this the Quaker was in a great passion; and said, "Thou villain! what after having robb d me of my bull and cow, to steal my horse!—why—why fellow don't you think to be hang'd?'—'I hope not,' replies Roger, but however the may be pray friend let me ask the one question, What might you be doing when I took the horse?'—"Hushǃ Hush? cries the quaker in a terrible fright, "never mention what thou hast seen, and I'll forgive thee all. Go thy ways, and hark thee, take grace with thee"
Roger bowed, and proceeded homeward; but as the quaker moved slowly, determined to call at his house. When he arrived the maid accosted him with, 'Well Roger, how hast thou and my master rode it out? Oh! very well, replies Roger, "we're as good friends as ever, He bid me go and take grace with me. "Grace" cries the maid; "what, and all her pigs!'
Now reader you must know grace was a favourite sow of the quaker's who had lately littered a fine parcel of pigs. The maid thinking it her master's intention turned the sow and her litter out of the sty, and Roger drove them home before him.
The quaker's wife being made acquainted with the affair; the reception Aminadab met with from her when she saw him come home without his horse is better imagined than expressed—But I am credibly informed that his harangues in the meeting were for some time after very much larden with invectives against rage—hard words—and an immoderate indulgence of the passions.