TO-DAY when I walked over my sand and barrenness I felt Infinite Grief.
Everything is beyond me.
Nothing is mine.
My single friendship shines brightly before me, and is fascinating—and always just out of my reach.
I want the love and sympathy of human beings, and I repel human beings.
Yes, I repel human beings.
There is something about me that faintly and finely and unmistakably repels.
When my Happiness comes, shall I be able to have it? Shall I ever have anything?
This repellent power is not an outward quality. It is something that comes from deeply, deeply within. It is something that was there in the Beginning. It is a thing from the Original.
There is no ridding myself of it. There is no ridding myself of it. There is no ridding myself of it.
Oh, I am damned—damned!
There is not one soul in the world to feel for me and with me—not one out of all the millions. No one can understand—no one.
You are saying to yourself that I imagine this.
What right have you to say so? You don't know anything about me. I know all about me. I have studied all the elements and phases in my life for years and years. I do not imagine anything. I am even fool enough to shut my eyes to some things until, inevitably, I know I must meet them. I am racked with the passions of youth, and I am young in years. Beyond that I am mature—old. I am not a child in anything but my passions and my years. I feel and recognize everything thoroughly. I have not to imagine anything. My inner life is before my eyes.
There is something about me that no one can understand. Can there ever be any one to understand? Shall I not always walk my barren road alone?
This follows me incessantly. It is burning like a smouldering fire every hour of my life.
Oh, deep black Despair!
How I suffer, how I suffer—just in being alive.
I feel Infinite Grief.
Oh, Infinite Grief