Hturtehteraps Scores a Triumph
When the excitement in the Court consequent on the speech for the counsel for the prosecution had subsided, people whispered one to another that it would go hard with the accused. And this inference almost seemed justified by the very grave faces of the judges. Some of these ancient ladies looked at the prisoner in a very severe manner through their diamond glasses, and then they shook their wise heads, and consulted their written notes in a manner that seemed to imply that they considered Mr Flonatin's offence was one that ought to be visited by the direst punishment. And yet to a very close observer, and to a physiognomist, it might have been seen that under the stern and stoical expression which the faces of these judges wore there was a feeling of pity, as though in their hearts these dignified administrators of the law were saying,
"Ah, poor young male, how very nice he is to be sure, and what a pity it is for such a dear creature to be placed in so unenviable a situation."
Of course it will be thoroughly understood that I do not say for certain that the judges really thought this. But then woman's heart is such a profound mystery that one may almost say anything he likes about it without being very far wrong. For my own part, if I were on trial for my life, and I had the option of selecting my own judge and jury, I should certainly choose ladies, and in doing so I should be cheered by the inward conviction that whatever the weight of evidence might be against me, I should be able by those cunning little artifices so well known to upper world men to touch the sympathetic chords of the dear creatures' hearts.
However, as subsequent events proved, Mr Flonatin did not stand in need of any such artifice to obtain his acquittal. The brilliant eloquence of his charming counsel, and his own sweet naivet‚, were quite sufficient to move even the law-encrusted hearts of these Esnesnon judges. But then of course it is not every man who is blessed with "sweet naivet‚," and in the absence of it he would have to resort to the means I have suggested. I am afraid, however, that I have in these remarks anticipated the verdict. Though every reader of this history will long ago have come to the conclusion that no lady or any number of ladies could have possibly condemned such a distinguished man as Flin Flon. But to proceed.
When the excitement had quite subsided, and silence and order had been restored, the young and able counsel for the defence, Hturtehteraps, arose. There was a look of quiet dignity and self-assurance on her face. She bowed to the judges, and then turning to Flin and the Princess Yobmot, who was near him, she smiled to them and bowed also.
"My most noble judges," she commenced, "it is my very proud privilege this day to have the honour of defending a prisoner who is a native of another world, and who in ours stands charged with a crime of such unparalleled atrocity that as every honest woman contemplates it she must shudder. I will here divide these preliminary remarks under two heads. Firstly, as to the prisoner being a native of another world. That is, I am bound to confess, a somewhat bold statement, but it is perfectly evident that he does not belong to our own fair earth; his degenerated appearance is sufficient to convince us of that, though as to where his world is situated it is not for us to inquire here. It is sufficient to know that he is an unenlightened foreigner, and I say, my most noble judges, that that fact alone, I repeat it most emphatically, that that fact alone ought to be sufficient to ensure his acquittal. We are a great, a civilised, a refined, a merciful, a charitable, an oppression-hating people. And being all these it is a paramount duty we owe to ourselves to set other worlds an example. Better that we should be destroyed, better that we should be annihilated, better I say that we should sink for ever into oblivion, than that it should be said in other worlds that we as the most cultivated of people were wanting in the commonest principles of charity or of mercy. It is not for us to consider where this human male has come from, though it be, as has been suggested he is, from the infernal regions."
"It is sufficient to know that he is a stranger amongst us, and as such demands our consideration and pity. Shall we, as women, withhold these from a male, even though he be a fallen one? Weak, helpless and friendless, he appeals to our better natures, and shall we, as the protecting sex, turn a deaf ear to the cry of the forlorn? I answer, no. I cry aloud, no, no. For, if we did, our names would go down to posterity with execration, and other worlds would ring with shouts of horror at our barbarity; while generations yet unborn would weep tears of blood as they heard of the blot that rested on the escutcheon of the fair city of Esnesnon. This is a fearful thing to contemplate; it would be a thousand times more horrible if it were to become reality. But whether it shall, or shall not, is a matter which is entirely in your hands, my most noble judges. The balances trembles. A touch one way will plunge our city for all time into a depth of ignominy, disgrace and darkness at which I shudder, while a touch the other way will elevate us to the proud position of being the nation of nations, and will stamp us at once as the most humane and merciful people ever yet, or that ever will be, created. It is for you to give it this touch. It is for you to raise us to this glorious pinnacle. Where, to use a simile, I may say we shall be as a statue representing dignity and love, teaching young worlds the first principles of prehuman justice. If I have allowed my feelings to lead me into somewhat poetical language, it is because my soul thrills with sentiments that struggle to find utterance by my own weak voice, but which, alas! I can only too feebly express. But I am sure, by noble judges, you will catch something of the spirit which animates me. The chord which vibrates in my own heart will find a responsive echo in your own. And the voice of the inward monitor will cry aloud, 'Acquit him, acquit him.'"
The learned counsel paused; there was immense applause; it was very evident that her splendid eloquence and flowers of rhetoric were telling upon her listeners.
When the applause had subsided she resumed her speech.
"I have hitherto contented myself" she went on "with appealing to those feelings which should burn in the breast of every woman, as she beholds a weak male in the unfortunate position that this one is placed in. For is it not ever woman's nature, in this beautiful land at least, to rush to the rescue of the weaker sex when danger threatens him, and to thrill with pity at the sight of a male in distress. But now I must deal with the second head of my address, and must appeal at once to your sense of justice. And I say it boldly, defiantly, and without fear of contradiction, that the charge brought against my client in a monstrous one, and entirely without an atom of foundation."
At this statement there were some murmurs of disapproval, but the learned counsel turned to the quarter from whence they proceeded for she knew that there the opposing faction was congregated and as her eyes flashed fire, she said, with the most withering scorn ,
"The truth hits hard, and some persons groan under it. I am glad, however, that I have sent a shaft home, and the contempt of Court shown by those persons who are evidently smarting under my fire cannot fail to strengthen my hands." (At this there was considerable applause, and the learned lady smiled and bowed gracefully.) "I repeat," she went on, turning to the judges, "I repeat that there is not a particle of truth in the charge brought against my client. Could anything be more preposterous than to suppose that he, a poor, simple, ignorant, half-witted waif, from a region that lies beyond the ken of prehuman beings, could possibly be guilty of attempting to overthrow this Government? Even assuming that there was truth in it, the attempt to upset an institution of woman- rule, built upon such a solid foundation as is ours, would too surely betray symptoms of a dreadful insanity that would cause every right-feeling woman throughout the length and breadth of this happy land to weep scalding tears of the tenderest sympathy. And instead of clamouring for the life of the unfortunate male, she would with tender hands nurse him in his affliction, and with soft lips and kisses of pure love soothe him in the paroxysms of his madness. But the prisoner is neither insane nor guilty. I say that the charge is a monstrous, diabolical, and wicked conspiracy against an innocent life. I am aware that the lady who impeached him is high in power, and the influence she possesses in certain quarters is too well known for me to dwell upon here. But I venture to say that these very facts should cause you to view the accusation with all the legal acumen that it is possible to bring to bear upon the case."
Here the counsel for the prosecution arose and objected to her learned friend's remarks this was said with a most scornful sneer. The imputations she sought to throw upon the prisoner's accuser were un-ladylike, and incompatible with the dignity of the Bar.
At this Hturtehteraps struck the table with her open hand in a manner that told how terrible was the volcano of wrath which raged in her fair bosom, and at the very top of her voice she screeched,
"That she would not stand there to be insulted in such an unwarranted manner, nor would she yield the palm to anyone for the respect which she entertained for the dignity of the Court. Before she proceeded any further she must demand an apology from her learned friend the counsel for the prosecution "
Here the opposing counsel struck the table violently in return, and shrieked that no apology should ever cross her lips, when a scene ensured that to our tastes was very shocking indeed. The two "learned ladies" glowered at each other form their respective ends of the table, and in voices that could only be likened to the screech of a hurricane through a pine forest, they hurled epithets at each other that I will not repeat. But I do venture to assert that if the long table had not separated the fair disputants it would have been necessary to have called in the sweeper to have swept up the loose hair.
The battle raged fiercely savagely for some minutes. The chief judge entreated, commanded, then stormed and raved; and her sister judges also raised their voices, until there was such an unearthly clamour of female tongues that it is a perfect miracle that poor Flin Flon did not go raving mad. Dreadful as this must seem to civilised people, it was nothing for Esnesnon. The people there were used to such scenes, and ever will be while women rule.
After repeated threats by the judge to commit the wordy combatants for contempt of Court, order was at length restored, and panting and exhausted, though still eager for the fray, the two gallant ladies wiped their heated faces and ground their teeth at each other. But when Hturtehteraps had cooled a little she broke out into genial smiles again, and bowing to the judges, who bowed in return, she observed pleasantly,
"I am very sorry, my most noble judges, that the order of the Court should have been interrupted by this pretty passage-of-arms. But a little pleasant banter serves to clear our heavy legal atmosphere and enables us to breathe more freely."
I think my readers will unanimously be of my opinion, that if this was only "pleasant banter" a row in Esnesnon amongst the ladies would have been rather serious, and unpleasant for human and civilised beings. But as the judges smiled, and the two learned counsel smiled lovingly at each other, and the audience laughed, it is to be presumed that it was only "pleasant banter," and that the Esnesnonites relished such scenes with as much zest as Spaniards do a bull- fight. But alas! it is fearful to contemplate the tremendous amount of hypocrisy there must have been there to be sure.
The legal atmosphere having been cleared, the counsel for the defence continued her speech.
"As I was saying before my learned friend the counsel for the prosecution interrupted me, this unfortunate male, the prisoner at the bar, cannot be guilty of the charge brought against him, and should therefore be acquitted. His accuser is a lady. It is not for me to enter into the motives which led her to place my client in his unfortunate position. Her reasons are best known to herself, but I say that it would have been better for her, and better for this mighty nation, had she shown more consideration for an alien, even assuming that he had been guilty." (Here the opposing counsel jumped up again and protested strongly against her "learned friend's remarks," and another rumpus seemed imminent, but the presiding judge threatened in a tone of awful severity to quit the Court if order was not kept. At this the two ladies looked daggers at each other, and turned up their pretty noses, and resorted to other feminine means of expressing the bitterness and jealousy which rankled in each heart.)
"In conclusion, I would remark," said Hturtehteraps, "that the unsupported charge of Mrs Ytidrusba cannot be sustained if we would wish to preserve unsullied the character for justice which this great nation has ever borne. Therefore, I ask for his acquittal in the name of truth, of justice, of mercy. Let it be said by future generations of women yet unborn, that here the foreigner found refuge and protection from the machinations of those who would have encompassed him, and who desired his fall, from the basest and most wretched of motives. "
The learned counsel, after this brilliant peroration, resumed her seat amidst a storm of applause, and as she wiped her heated brow there was a look of conscious satisfaction on her face, and a roguish twinkle in her eye, which seemed to say, "I think that has done it, or I am not a woman." And that it had done it was pretty soon self-evident. The trial was speedily concluded after this, and the presiding judge's summing up was a masterpiece of analytical rhetoric. She cautioned her learned sisters against being led away by false sympathy on the one hand or prejudice on the other. The prisoner was a foreigner and a male, she said, and therefore, even if the weight of evidence was considered to be against him, some palliative circumstance might be found. The offence with which he was charged was a very grave one. In fact nothing more diabolical could possibly be imagined than for a male to try and upset the rule of woman. It was an offence, indeed, that, if proved against the person, no punishment that could be devised by the ingenuity of woman would be adequate to meet. But its very awfulness called for the most impartial and deliberate consideration. For the name of a male who should be proved guilty of such an offence in Esnesnon would for ever be execrated, while his children and children's children would be branded with the brand of infamy. It was therefore imperatively necessary that every scrap of evidence should be carefully weighed, and the motives of the accuser analysed. And if there was a doubt at all in the minds of the judges, even though that doubt should be infinitesimally small, the prisoner should have the benefit of that doubt.
The trial after this came at once to an end, the unanimous verdict of the judges being "Not Guilty" a verdict that was evidently a popular one, for the Court rang with applause, that was taken up by the multitude outside until it had spread throughout the town, and the whole population, especially the males, seemed to go mad with excitement.