THE TIMOROUS FIANCEE.[1]
TWO young girls held converse together. Quoth one:
"Like thee, little one, I, too, will never marry."
"And why should we marry against our will?" said the other. "We have no masters."
"Hast seen, little one, that instrument with which men make trial upon us?"
"I have seen it."
"And is it not huge?"
"Little one, it is assuredly of the size of an arm!"
"One would never come out of it alive."
"Come, I will tickle thee with a straw."
"That also hurteth me."
The foolish one lay down, and the wiser fell to tickling her with a straw. "Ah! that hurteth!" she repeated.
Now the father of one of the young girls forced her to take a husband; she waited two nights, then went to see her young friend.
"Good day, little one," she said.
The latter besought her to relate, forthwith what had fallen.
"Ah!" aswered the young wife. "Had I known, had I truly known the business, I had not listened to my father or my mother. I thought to lose my life, and my tongue hung from my mouth a foot in length."
The young friend was so affrighted that she had no wish to speak further of fiancés.
"I will wed with none," quoth she. "And if my father seeks to employ violence, I will espouse, for form's sake, the first bachelor I encounter."
Now there was in the same village a young lad and a very poor. None would give him a seemly maid in marriage, and he did not desire an ill; by chance he overheard the conversation of the young girls.
"Wait," thought he to himself. "I will play a trick on that one. At a suitable moment I will say that I have no yard."
Came a day when the young girl went to mass; she beheld the lad leading his horse, thin and unshod, to the watering place; the poor beast went limping, and the young girl laughed. They came to a steep slope; the mare climbed with difficulty, then fell and rolled on her back. The lad was annoyed, seized the mare by her tail, and fell to beating her without pity, saying:
"Get up! Thou wilt flay all the skin off thyself!"
"Why beatest thou the horse,brigand?" asked the young girl.
The lad lifted the tail, looked at it and said:
"And what should I do? Futter her? But I have no yard."
When the girl heard his words, she pissed herself with joy, saying:
"Behold! the good God hath sent me a fiancée after my liking!"
She returned to her house, sat down in a secluded corner, and fell to pouting. Presently all the family seated themselves at table, calling on her to come, but she replied in anger:
"I will not!"
"Come, Douniouchka," said the mother. "What art thinking of? Tell me."
The father intervened.
"Why dost pout? Perchance thou dost desire to wed? Thou wouldst wed with this one and not with that?"
The young girl had but one idea in her head: to wed Ivan the No-Yard.
"I will wed," she replied, "neither this one nor that. An it please ye or not, I will wed Ivan."
"What sayest thou, little fool? Art enraged, or hast lost thy reason? Thou wouldst share thy life with him?"
"He is my destiny. Seek not to marry me to another, else I will drown or strangle myself."
Hitherto the old father had not honoured the poverty-stricken Ivan with so much as a look, but now he went himself to the lad to make him release his daughter. He approached. Ivan was seated, repairing an old hempen shoe.
"Good day, Ivanouchka."
"Good day, old man."
"What dost thou?"
"I seek to mend my hempen shoes."
"Shoes? Thou hast need of new boots."
"Since I have with difficulty amassed fifteen copeks to buy these shoes, where shall I find money to purchase boots?"
"And why dost thou not marry, Vania?"
"Who would give me his daughter?"
"I, if thou wilt! Kiss me on the mouth."
And they came to an understanding.
At the rich man's house there was no lack of beer and brandy. The girl and the lad were wed forthwith, high feast was held, and then the best man conducted the young people to their sleeping chamber and put them to bed. One knows the sequel. Ivan pierced the young girl till she bled and there was a road by which he might travel.
"What a blockhead, what a fool I have been!" thought Dounnuka. "What have I done? How much better had I taken one richly-endowed! But where hath he found this yard? I will question him."
And she questioned him, saying:
"Hearken, Ivanouchka. Where hast got this yard?"
"I have hired it from mine uncle for one night."
"Ah! my little dove! Beg it of him for yet another night."
A second night passed and she said to him again:
"Little dove! Beg of thine uncle if he will not sell thee the yard outright. But bargain well."
"Good. One can always bargain."
He went to the house of his grandsire, came to an understanding with him,[2]
and returned to his home.
"Well, what of it?" asked his wife.
"What can I say?" answered the lad. "There was no bargaining with him. We must give him three hundred roubles or he will not yield us the yard. And where may we get this sum?"
"Ah, well. Return and beg him to hire thee the yard for yet another night. To-morrow I ask my father for the money, and we will buy the yard outright."
"Nay—go thyself and ask it of him. In sooth, I dare not."
She went to the uncle's house, entered his apartment, prayed to heaven, and bowed, saying:
"Good day, mine uncle."
"Thou art welcome. What good news hast thou?"
"See, mine uncle, I am shamed to speak, but 'twould be a sin an I kept sjlent. Lend thy yard to Ivan for a night."
The relative took counsel with himself, shook his head, and said:
"It can be lent, but care must be taken of a yard belonging to another."
"We will take care of it, uncle. I swear by the Cross. And to-morrow, without fail, we will buy it outright of thee."
"Go, then, and send Ivan to me."
She bowed to the earth and left the house.
On the morrow she went to seek her father, asked of him three hundred roubles for her husband, and bought for herself a good yard.
EXCURSES TO THE ENCHANTED RING, THE INSTRUMENT, and THE TIMOROUS FIANCEE.
Each of the three foregoing stories is remarkable for the fact it contains the same naïve idea—the possibility of purchasing a male "implement." The idea is fairly common in folk-lore stories of virginity, but, almost always, results in a highly humorous situation. It is a crude but very effective method of depicting the ignorance, even stupidity, of a virgin girl. It also affords the story-teller an opportunity of an indirect reference to a favourite theme—the erotic tendency of women once their sexual senses are aroused.[3]
One episode of The Enchanted Ring (the remarkable qualities of the young man's penis when adorned with the ring) can hardly fail to recall "The Night of Power," (Sir Richard F. Burton's Thousand Nights and a Night), wherein the husband's organs undergo rapid and wonderful transformation. This tale is described by Sir Richard Burton as "the grossest and most brutal satire on the sex, suggesting that a woman would prefer an additional inch of penis to anything this world or the next can offer her." One cannot help noting, none the less, the indecent anxiety of the mother-in-law, in our story from Kruptadia, to sample the mighty yard of the newly-returned husband.[4]
- ↑ Kruptadia: Heilbronn: 1883: Henninger Fréres: vol. 1: Secret Stories from the Russian
- ↑ Lui donne let mot. "Put him wise" would be the exact modern equivalent.
- ↑ C.f. Excursus to The Tale of Kamar al-Zaman, where the subject is discussed at length.
- ↑ In The Night of Power we have the story of a man who, believing that three prayers would be granted to him, consults his wife as to what he shall ask. She advises him to ask Allah to "greaten and magnify his yard." He does so, whereupon his yard "became as big as a column, and he could neither sit nor stand nor move about nor even stir from his stead; and when he would have carnally known his wife, she fled before him from place to place." In distress the husband asks, as his second wish, to be delivered of this burden, and "immediately his prickle disappeared altogether and he became clean smooth. When his wife saw this, she said: 'I have no occasion for, thee now thou art become pegless as an eunuch, shaven and shorn. ……Pray Allah the most High to restore thee thy yard as it was.' So he prayed to his Lord and his prickle was restored to its first estate. Thus the man lost his three wishes by the ill counsel and lack of wit in the woman." Our brief summary is taken from Sir Richard F. Burton's translation of The Thousand Nights and a Night.