The comical stories of Thrummy Cap and the Ghaist/The Water Drinker

by John Burness

THE WATER DRINKER.

A bonnet-laird in the vicinity of Glasgow, who was given to indulge too freely in ardent spirits, come at last to the resolution of eschewing the evil, by becoming a member of the Temperance Society. With this purpose he went to Glasgow, and inquired of a friend where he should enrol his name. 'I'm just resolved,' he said, to drap the whisky a'thegither, and tak naething stronger than water.' The friend, who was a wag, informed him that there wore several Temperance Societies in town, but the chief one, and the one which he would advise him to enter, was The Glasgow Water Company. Being directed to the office of that Company, the following dialogue took place:

'I wish, gentlemen, to become a member of your society.'

You wish to take a share in our company?'

'Deed do I, sirs; for I think there's naething like water after a'.'

'To be sure, it is essential to life. The gentleman who disposes of shares will be here presently if yon can wait.'

'Oh, I can wait brawly. And is there mony now in Glasgow friendly to your Society!'

'Why, we have to fight against a good deal of opposition, as you may have heard.'

'That's a pity. It wad save mony a nair head

and sair heart if the folk o' the town were a' of your mind.'

'Yes, but that is scarcely to be looked for.'

Na, na - sae lang as puir human nature is what it is. But tell me, gentlemen, in real earn does none o' yo ever taste whisky!'

(A laugh) 'Why, there's no denying, we ma take a glass like our neighbours at times.'

'Ay, I jaloused as much from your looks. And were ye just desperately gi'en to the dram before you cam' here?'

'What do you mean, you old quiz? - There comes the gentleman with whom you have to deal.'

Weel, sir, I was wanting to enrol myself in your company.'

'You wish a share, sir? The price per share is £85 at present.'

'Eighty-five pounds for entering a water society! D'ye tak me for an idiot?

'It is not a farthing lower, and has not been this twelve month.'

'Gae wa'— gae wa' sir! Eighty-five pounds for drinking water! If that's the case, I'll stick by the speerit trade yet.'

FINIS.