Two Irishmen were walking under the gibbet of Newgate. Looking up at it, one of them remarked,—
"Ah, Pat, where would you be if the gibbet had done its duty?"
"Faix, Flannagan," said Pat, "an' I'd be walking London—all alone."
"I wish you would pay a little attention to what I am saying, sir," roared a lawyer to an exasperating witness.
"I am paying as little attention as I can," was the calm reply.
Magistrate (to prisoner). Were you born in Pennsylvany?
Prisoner. Yes, sir.
Magistrate. Brought up in this State?
Prisoner. Yes; I have been brought up in Pennsylvany, and every other State in the Union too.—Life.
A judge in Iowa refused to fine a man for kissing a girl against her will, because the complainant was so temptingly pretty that nothing but an overwhelming sense of its dignity prevented the court kissing her itself.
Magistrate (to elderly witness). Your age, madam?
Witness. Thirty.
Magistrate. Thirty what?
Witness. Years.
Magistrate. Thanks. I thought it might be months.—Harper's Bazar.
Judge G, when presiding in one of the county courts of Connecticut, had brought before him one Felix McGowan, indicted for assault and battery. At the instigation of his counsel, Mrs. McGowan appeared at the trial with her five children, all about the same size, the eldest not being four years of age. Mrs. McGowan, with true Irish zeal, began to plead the cause of her husband, when the judge stopped her, and pointing to her children inquired if they were all witnesses in the case.
"No, yer Honor," replied Mrs. McGowan; "they are mainly twins!"
Mr. McGowan was discharged with a reprimand.
An old lady, knowing only the popular meaning of the term "execution," and who had a lawsuit pending, once sent in a hurry for her clergyman.
"I have but a few weeks to live," said she.
"My dear madam, I never saw you look better."
"Read that."
It was a letter from her attorney.
"Dear Madam,—A line to save post. The verdict is against us, and execution next term.
Yours, &c."
They have a curious way of deciding lawsuits in Siam; both parties are put under cold water, and the one staying the longest wins the suit. In this country both parties are got into hot water, and then kept there as long as possible. The result is the same.
Judge. Have you anything to say before the court passes sentence upon you?
Prisoner. Well, all I got to say is, I hope your Honor 'll consider the extreme youth of my lawyer, and let me off easy.
A prisoner pleaded guilty of larceny, and then withdrew the plea and declared himself to be innocent. The case was tried, and the jury acquitted him. Then said Sir Henry Hawkins: "Prisoner, a few moments ago you said you were a thief. Now the jury says you are a liar. Consequently you are discharged."
"Now, sir," cried Mr. Bagwig, ferociously, "attend to me! Were you not in difficulties a few months ago?"
"No."
"What, sir? Attend to my question. I ask you again, and pray be careful in answering, for you are upon your oath, I need hardly remind you. Were you not in difficulties some months ago?"
"No; not that I know of."
"Sir, do you pretend to tell this court that you did not make a composition with your creditors a few months ago?"
A bright smile of intelligence spread over the ingenuous face of the witness, as he answered,—
"Oh! ah! that's what you mean, is it? But you see it was my creditors who were in difficulties then, and not me."
