Book of Etiquette/Volume 1/Part 2/Chapter 6

by Lillian Eichler

CHAPTER VI

CORRESPONDENCE

TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY

It is customary nowadays to deplore the fact that the art of letter writing has fallen into decay, and when we read that the entire correspondence of an engaged couple recently was carried on for two years by telephone and telegraph we are inclined to believe it. Yet such is not the case. It is true that we no longer have—and for this we should be truly grateful—flowery expressions of rhetorical feeling interlarded with poetic sentiments selected from a "Home Book of Verse," or some similar compilation, but we do have letters which are genuine and wholesome expressions of friendship.

It is a gift to be able to write lovely notes of congratulation, sympathy and appreciation, and one that has to be cultivated. Writing of all kinds grows perfect with practice and the large majority of people have to serve a long apprenticeship before they have mastered the gentle art of expressing themselves on paper. It is an art worth mastering even if one never has to write anything but polite social notes and letters.

THE LETTER YOU WRITE

From Buckingham we have the following little rhyme that does full justice to the important art of letter-writing:

Of all those arts in which the wise excel,
Nature's chief masterpiece is writing well.

A letter, business or social, is simply talk upon paper. And as a wise philosopher once said, "Never put on paper what you would not care to see printed in the newspaper for all to read." As in everything else connected with the social world, ease is absolutely essential to the correct letter. The style must not be cramped, stilted, forced. A free and easy flow of language, simple and understandable, and with just that acceptable degree of cordiality and heartiness that makes one enjoy reading, is essential in all correspondence.

And yet, letters should be written personally—that is, they should represent the sender. Be sure, first, that you know exactly what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Then put it down on paper as though you were speaking; make no pretense at being so very highly educated that you must use flowery language and poetical phrases. Simplicity in form and wording is the most effective and graceful method. It is a greater mark of learning and intelligence to write a simple, ably expressed, cordial letter, than to write one that shows an obvious effort to cover, by extravagant expressions and highly figurative language, the reserve and dignity that are the foundation of all good-breeding.

In the following pages it is possible for us only to give the prescribed principles of correct form, suggesting the forms and expressions to be avoided. But the true art of letter-writing rests with you—and your own personality. We would suggest that you read carefully each letter you receive, noting and remembering those expressions that most appeal to you. A good appeal is generally universal; what appeals to you in a letter you receive will appeal to others. Thus you will find that personal experience in this matter will help you much more than any book that gives you only the foundation of form and style.

THE BUSINESS LETTER

It is interesting to find in the midst of the lament that in the twentieth century people have ceased to find time to write letters or to be courteous that the Postmaster General has rescinded previous orders which directed that departmental correspondence should not begin with the ceremonial form of "My dear Sir," and that the complimentary close, "Yours sincerely," etc., should not be used. His order is worth quoting:

"In no part of our work does the demand for the human quality apply more than in the matter of writing letters. By far the largest contact of this department with the public is by means of the letters which are written. Letters can be cold, stereotyped, following the same routine day by day, appearing more or less machine made, and the impression which the recipient has upon reading the letter is that the suggestion, complaint, petition, or application made has been given scant consideration.

I want every letter that goes out from this department or any of the Post Offices or other field offices to convince the reader of the fact, for it must be a fact, that whatever he has written has been received sympathetically and that an effort has been made to give the writer the benefit of every possible service which the department affords.

"To this end I think the writers should endeavor to make their letters more informal than is now the case generally; that they should, wherever the exigencies of the case do not require otherwise, be as explicit as possible, and that reasons for the position taken by the department should be given. Above all, I do not want the letters to be stereotyped."

A business letter is written with a purpose. It is a good letter when it accomplishes that purpose briefly, thoroughly, and courteously. Women especially should be careful not to be discursive. Business men have not time to puzzle over bad handwriting or ambiguous sentences. Whenever it can be done conveniently the business letter should be written on the typewriter. Tinted stationery is never appropriate, and ruled stationery should never be used either for business or social correspondence.

The correct form for the salutation of a business letter includes the name and address of the person or firm to whom the letter is written as well as the ceremonial form of salutation. Thus:

Bradford and Munro,
534 Fifth Avenue,
New York City, N. Y.

Gentlemen: (or Dear Sirs or My dear Sirs)

Mrs. H. K. Weatherly,
Secretary of the Citizens' League,
Smithville, Arkansas.

Dear Mrs. Weatherly: (or Dear Madam or My dear Madam)

Except when it is the first word of the salutation, dear should not begin with a capital letter. The address in the salutation should be repeated exactly on the envelope and particular care should be taken to make it legible. The stamp should always be placed in the upper right hand corner. It is bad form to put it on obliquely or upside down or to place it in the left hand corner or on the back flap of the envelope. It is a silly practice to do so and causes the postal clerks a great deal of trouble.

FUNCTION OF THE SOCIAL LETTER

There are, necessarily, several kinds of letters, the three most important divisions of which are the friendly letter, the business letter, and the social letter. In its strictest sense, the social letter is written for a distinct social purpose—usually about, or in response to, some purely social circumstance. The difference between a friendly letter and a social letter is relatively the same as the difference between a strictly formal and a friendly informal visit.

To write a friendly letter, one simply writes what one feels, heeding no very stringent rules regarding letter-writing. But the social letter-writer finds that there are certain forms that must be carefully observed, if his or her letters are to be considered entirely correct. There are two distinct forms of the social letters—the formal and the informal. The formal social note is used only for invitations, announcements and their respective acknowledgments. It is always written in the third person, and always requires an answer. Even though it is sent to the most intimate friend, the formal note remains formal; although later a friendly letter may be sent to remove any possible constraint or "chill." The informal note has no definite formula, except that it can be generally compared to all the informal trend of correct social usage. The first person is used in the writing of informal notes.

Whether formal or informal, the social note always bears the name of the person to whom it is addressed. To illustrate, when writing socially to Mrs. Joselyn, one does not use the expression, "Dear Madam," but "Dear Mrs. Joslyn." In America the form "my dear" is considered a trifle more formal than just "dear," although in England the reverse is true. "Dear Madam" and "Dear Sir" are forms reserved exclusively for use with business letters.

THE ETIQUETTE OF STATIONERY

The well-known proverb may well be changed to read, "A man is known by the stationery he uses." There is no greater opportunity to show good taste—or bad—than in the tone, design and type of note paper we use. It is as effective an index to one's individuality as are the clothes we wear.

Just as in everything else, there are new fashions in the sizes, forms and general appearance of social correspondence each season. Invariably, the new form is an improvement on the older and more stilted form. However, there are slight changes, and the general rules of correct correspondence remain unchanged from year to year. A good stationer is the best authority in regard to the minor modifications that come each new season.

The outré in everything pertaining to good social usage is offensive to good taste. Thus, those who are refined and well-bred avoid such startling color combinations as deep purple paper inscribed with white ink. Of course, by its very daring, such a letter would gain immediate attention. But the impression made would be one of poor taste and eccentricity, rather than the striking personality the writer doubtless tried to convey. Let us, then, avoid all fads in size and color of social stationery.

LETTER AND NOTE PAPER

Plain, unruled sheets, either white or light gray in color, and folding once into their envelopes are the approved materials for all social correspondence. Black ink should always be used—violet, blue or purple expresses extremely bad taste. There are, of course, many varying qualities of note paper, depending entirely upon the means and preferences of the individual. Some manufacturers are to-day issuing delightful stationery in delicate tones of gray, blue and buff, and it is necessary to mention here that there can be no objection to note paper of this kind. It is only bad taste to use paper of vivid red, yellow or green—so glaring in color that it is conspicuous. Colored borders on stationery are in poor taste, as are also heavy gilt edges. Paneled stationery and that with the deckle edge are both very lovely and in excellent taste if the color is subdued or pure white. And to be conspicuous is to be ill-bred.

The complete text of a formal note must appear on the first page only. Thus, a good size for a woman's social correspondence stationery is four and a half inches by six inches, although it may be slightly larger than that for general correspondence. Then there are the very small sheets used merely for a few words of condolence or congratulation. The size of stationery for men's social correspondence varies, but it is usually a trifle larger than a woman's note paper. A man never uses small sheets of paper, nor may he conduct social correspondence upon business or office paper. It is only when private stationery is not easily available, and a letter must be immediately mailed, that club or hotel paper may be used for social correspondence.

Letter paper and envelopes should be of the same color and of about the same material. We say "about" for, when the note paper is very thin, a slightly thicker paper should be used for the envelope. Incidentally, very thin paper is objectionable for social correspondence when both sides of the sheet are written upon.

Some women like to use perfumed paper for their social correspondence. While it is not exactly bad form to use perfumed stationery, a very strong fragrance is most objectionable. Thus only the most delicate of perfumes may be used. The use of perfumes for men's stationery is entirely discountenanced.

CRESTS AND MONOGRAMS

Just as the gaudy frills and furbelows of the dress of Queen Elizabeth's era have disappeared, so have the elaborate crests, seals and monograms of earlier social stationery gradually given way to a more graceful and dignified simplicity. Originality may be the possession of those who can attain it, but it must always be accompanied by simplicity of style.

Gorgeous monograms are not desirable. If used at all—and very few even of our proud and aristocratic families do use them—they should be decorative without being elaborate. A good stationer should be consulted before org determines upon a monogram. His taste and knowledge should direct the ultimate choice.

Monograms and crests should not appear on the envelope, only on the letter paper. Seals may be stamped wherever one wishes on the back of the envelope, although the most fashionable place is in the direct center of the flap. On mourning stationery, black wax is permissible for the seal; red, blue or any dark color may be used on white or light gray paper. Care should be taken in dropping the hot wax and pressing the seal, for nothing is so indicative of poor taste as an untidy seal on the envelope of a social letter. A seal should not be used unless it is actually needed. It is bad form to use it in addition to the mucilage on the flap of the envelope unless the mucilage is of a very poor quality.

A monogram or crest is placed in the center at the top of the page when no address is given. It should be omitted entirely when the address appears at the top of the page. The space occupied by a crest or monogram should not cover more than the approximate circumference of a silver dime. A crest is usually stamped in gilt, silver, black, white or dark green. Vivid colors must be avoided.

When an address is engraved on a sheet of paper the crest or monogram should be omitted. The stationery of a country house frequently has the name of the place in the upper right hand corner with the name of the post office or railroad station opposite. Authors sometimes have their names reproduced from their own handwriting and engraved across the top of the paper they use for their business correspondence.

The most fashionable stationery to-day does not bear crests or monograms or seals, but the address engraved in Gothic or Roman lettering in the upper center of note and letter sheets, also on the reverse side of the envelope. Black ink, of course, is used.

USE OF THE TYPEWRITER

Having invaded and conquered the business world, the typewriter has now become a social necessity. Personal typewriters, made in portable sizes, are now being used for social correspondence, although many conservative people prefer to remain loyal to the use of the good old pen and ink method. Yet, when the best handwriting is often illegible and hard to read, a modern invention so necessary as the typewriter should be hailed with delight and used with enthusiasm.

There still may be a few "extremists" and etiquette fanatics who insist that typewritten letters are for business purposes only, and that they are an insult when used socially. Prevalent custom to-day permits typewritten correspondence for nearly every occasion, and the well-typed social letter reflects better taste upon the sender than a hand-written letter that is difficult to read—and yet took a much greater length of time to write.

Social letters, whether hand or typewritten should not be on ordinary commercial paper. The letter written on the machine should have a wide margin at the top, bottom and sides. Signatures to a typewritten letter, social or business, should be made personally, in ink.

REGARDING THE SALUTATION

It is only in cases of extreme formality that the expression "Dear Madam" or "Dear Sir" is used. For ordinary social correspondence, the salutation is either "Dear Mr. (Mrs.) Roberts" or "My dear Mr. (Mrs.) Roberts." The use of "My dear" is considered more formal than merely "Dear," except in England where the first form is considered the more intimate.

The form "Dear Miss" or "Dear Friend" may be used on no condition whatever. It is either "Dear Miss Wimberley" or "Dear Madam." It is considered presumptuous, in good society, for a man to address a lady as "Dear Mrs. Brown" until she has first dropped the formal "my" in her correspondence with him.

The strictly formal method for addressing a letter to a man by a woman who is a total stranger to him, is:

"Mr. John D. Brown,
"Dear Sir."

If he is a distant relative, addressed for the first time, or the friend of a very intimate friend, the salutation may read, "My dear Mr. Brown."

CLOSING THE LETTER

The endings "Very truly yours" or "Yours truly" express a certain formality. Friendly letters are closed with such expressions as, "Yours most sincerely," "Cordially yours," "Very affectionately yours," "Lovingly yours." The latter two expressions are confined largely to intimate friends and relatives, while the others are used when letters are written to new acquaintances or casual friends. The pronoun yours should never be omitted, as it leaves the phrase unfinished and is not complimentary to the person addressed. Thus, closings, such as "Very truly" or "Sincerely" are in bad form.

Always remember, in social letter-writing, to make a "graceful exit." An awkward sentence in closing often mars what would otherwise be a perfect letter. Forget certain strained expressions that remain in the mind and demand to be used as closings, merely because they have been used by so many people, over and over again. Make the farewell in your social letter as cordial and graceful as your farewell would be if you were talking to the person, instead of writing. Such kind expressions as "With kindest personal regards" or "Hoping to have the pleasure of seeing you soon" or "With best wishes to your dear mother and sisters" always add a note of warmth and cordiality to the social letter. These should be followed by "I am." It is not considered good form to end a letter,

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Yours sincerely,

but it should be

Hoping to hear from you soon, I am

Yours sincerely.

No comma is used after "am."

It is not good taste to use only the initials, the surnames or given names alone, or diminutives, when signing notes or letters except when they are addressed to one's most intimate friends. A married woman signs herself Ellen Scott, not Mrs. Guy Scott, in social correspondence. Often, in business letters, when the recipient would be in doubt as to whether or not the lady were to be addressed as Mrs. or Miss, the conclusion to the letter should be in this form:

Yours truly,

Ellen Scott

(Mrs. Guy Scott)

An unmarried woman signs her letters "Margaret Scott," unless it is a business communication and she is liable to be mistaken for a widow. In this case, she precedes her name by the word Miss in parentheses.

The first and last names of the man writing the letter must be given in full, and if there is a middle name, either the initial or full spelling may be given. But such a signature as J. Ferrin Robins is bad form.

It is both undignified and confusing to sign a letter with one's Christian name only, unless one is a relative or very intimate friend. A woman never signs her Christian name alone in a letter to a man unless he is a relative or her fiancé or a very old friend of the family.

ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPE

Although there is a distinction in England regarding the use of "Mr." and "Esq.," both forms are optional here in America. Either one may be used in good form. But to omit both, and address a man just as "Walter J. Smith" is exceedingly rude and bad taste. Neither should "Esq." and "Jr." be used together in this manner, "Walter J. Smith, Esq., Jr." The correct form would be "Walter J. Smith, Jr." A servant would be addressed merely as Walter J. Smith, without any title.

"Mrs." or "Miss" must invariably precede the name of a woman on an envelope unless she is a profesisonal woman with some such title as "Dr." A woman does not assume her husband's honorary title; thus, it is not good form to address an envelope in this manner: "Mrs. Captain Smith" or "Mrs. Judge Andrews."

A practicing woman physician is addressed in this fashion, when the communication is professional: "Dr. Ellen R. Blank." This form is not used in social correspondence, except in the case of a very famous, elderly physician who is entitled to the honorary title at all times. Otherwise this form is used when the communication is social: "Miss Ellen R. Blank" or "Mrs. John T. Blank."

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE

Letters of condolence should never be written, unless the writer has been genuinely moved to sympathy. For that reason, they are usually forthcoming only from relatives and intimate friends of the bereaved family. A letter of sympathy should be brief and cordial. Those pretentious letters that are filled with poetic quotations and sentimental expressions are not genuinely sympathetic, and those that refer constantly to the deceased are unkind. A few well-chosen words of sympathy are all that is necessary. Following are two model letters of condolence, that may be used as basic forms for other letters:

New York, August 24th.

Dear Miss Curtis:

I hasten to offer you my most profound sympathy for the great grief that has fallen upon you and your household. If there is anything I can do, I hope you will not hesitate to call upon me.

Cordially yours,

Harriet B. Wainwright.

Philadelphia, May 5th.

My dear Mrs. Andrews:

Knowing as I do from my own experience how deep your grief must be I also know that there is little that anyone can say or do to make your sorrow any the less. Yet I cannot refrain from offering my sincerest sympathy, and along with it the hope that Time, which softens all things, will make even this easier to bear.

Believe me, most sincerely yours,

Lillian M. Roberts.

ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF CONDOLENCE

Mourning or white paper is always used when answering a letter of condolence, except when the engraved cards of acknowledgment are sent. These are severely plain, and the message is always brief. Often they are sent in the name of the entire family, as:

Mr. and Mrs. John Hall Hammond
gratefully acknowledge your expression of
sympathy upon the death of their daughter.
June 6, 1921.

This is certainly the easiest way for the bereaved to express their gratitude, though simple notes of thanks may be sent instead of the more formal card.

ETIQUETTE OF THE FRIENDLY LETTER

It is often a moot question among friends as to who shall write the first letter. Generally speaking, it is the one who has gone away rather than the one remains behind who writes first, though among good friends there is no more necessity to count letters than there is to count visits. The writer knew a college girl who, when she came home, decided to wait before writing and see how many of her friends cared enough for her to write to her. She was rather gratified by the result but if each girl who came away from the school had arrived at the same decision the situation would have been a very queer one, to say the least of it.

A young lady who has gone away may send a card or write a brief note to a gentleman but if he is the one who has departed she should not write to him until she has received a letter from him.

Some people may feel that a discourse on friendly letters has no place in a book on social intercourse. But we feel that social success is just as largely dependent upon one's simple friendships as it is upon highly extravagant social activities, and therefore it is necessary to know something about the friendly letter.

The salutation in a friendly letter should always be "Dear Mary" or "Dear Miss Jones." The text of the letter should be written with ease, and instead of a long list of questions (as some letter-writers delight in using), bits of choice news of the day, interesting personal experiences, and the like should be disclosed. As Elizabeth Myers in her book "The Social Letter," says: "The friendly letter is our proxy for a little tête-à-tête, telling of the personal news of the day, and should be as extemporaneous as daily speech. Such letters are given free scope and it would be as bootless to dictate rules as it would be to commit a monologue to memory prior to a friendly visit."

Unless you are very intimate with a friend, and your letter contains "identifying" news, do not sign yourself merely with your Christian name. There are many Marys, and Johns and Harolds; and a letter signed with the full name is as cordial as one which gives only the baptismal name.

There is an old Latin proverb, "Litera scripta manet," meaning "The written letter remains." A very pretty sentiment is attached to this one short sentence. It means not only that the letter itself remains, but that the thoughts contained in that letter, the kind, unselfish, pretty thoughts of friendship, remain forever in heart and mind of the person for whom it was intended. When you write to your friends, make your letters so beautiful in form and text, that they will be read, re-read, and cherished a long time after as a fond memory. It will be a big step on the road to social perfection. Another point to be kept in mind is that nothing should be written in a letter that one would not be willing for almost anyone to see. Letters sometimes travel far, and one can never be altogether sure into what hands they may fall.

THE CHILD'S LETTER

The sooner the child is taught to take care of his or her own personal correspondence, the sooner he or she will become perfect in the art of letter-writing. The little ones should be taught early the significance of the correct letter, the importance of correct social correspondence. Their duties at first may be light, and guided entirely by mother's suggestions; but the youngsters will soon find keen pleasure and enjoyment in creating letters themselves.

Here are a few letters that might have been written by children between the ages of seven and twelve. They are not offered as model letters, for children have a great deal more personality than grown-ups, and they must get that personality into what they write; otherwise the letter will be strained and unnatural. Do not be too critical of their first efforts. Pass over mistakes, and let the letter sound as if the child and not you had written it. At the same time teach them to be careful. With a very small bit of diplomacy the child can be brought to take great pride in a letter which he wrote "with his own hand." And don't make the children say things that they do not want to. Protect them from the petty insincerities of social life as long as possible.

Dear Aunt May:

Thank you ever so much for the pretty doll. I have named her May. Mother thinks she is very pretty but Tom does not. Tom does not like dolls. He plays with the dog and his tops and marbles nearly all the time. The dog's name is Mike. He is black. I like him lots. We are going to have strawberry ice cream Sunday. I wish you could be here. I would give you a big plate full.

Please come to see me soon.

Your loving niece,

Helen.

Dear Uncle Frank,

I have a box of paints. I painted a dog and a soldier this morning. The soldier has on a red coat. The dog is a pointer. My dog is a rat terrier named Jack. He caught a big rat this morning in the barn. Mother says she thinks he has been eating the chickens. School will be out in a week. I will be glad. Mother says she will not. I know how to swim. There is a creek near here. The water is over my head in one place. I am going fishing one day next week. I caught two perch last time I went.

Your nephew,

John.

 

Dear Grandma,

I wish you a very happy birthday, and I hope that you will like the present I sent you. Mother says that she will take me to see you soon. I wish she could take me to-day.

Your loving grandchild,

Mabel.

LETTERS TO PERSONS OF TITLE

A certain set of definite rules is prescribed for all communication with titled people. The general rules given for ordinary social correspondence are not the same for persons of title, and as each executive, dignitary and man or woman of royal blood requires special address, it will be necessary to incorporate them into a compact scale that can be easily referred to. At the end of this volume is a scale giving the opening, closing and address, formal and informal, for every person of title.