Cutter of Coleman-street/Act 3 Scene 5

by Abraham Cowley

Scene 5.

Enter Puny.

'Tis almost four o' clock and that's the precious hour.

Pun.My little Heliogabalus, here I am, Præsto!

Aur.You'r always calling me names, Mr. Puny, that's unkindly done to one that's labouring for you, as I am.

Pun.I ha' made more haste hither than a Parson does to a Living o' three hundred and fifty pounds a year.

Aur.Puny, you'r not a man o' business I see, that's not the style o' business; Well, I ha' done, I think, the work for you, 'tis as odd a Plot as ever you heard.

Pun.I like it better, I love odd things.

Aur. Why thus then, you know Mr. Truman took an Oath to his father never to see my Cousin more without his leave.

Pun.Pish, do I know that a Lawyer loves to take mony in Michælmas Term?

Aur.A pies upon you: well, my father has made Lucy swear too never to see Truman without his consent.

Pun.Good, there will be a good Bo-peep love.

Aur.For all this, thy'r resolv'd to marry this after-noon, (nay don't interrupt me with your Fopperies, or I'l be gon) and to save their Oathes (like cunning Caluists, as all Lovers are) they'l be married in a dark room (do you mark me?) the Minister, Mr. Soaker, is to marry them without Book; and because thei'r bound not to speak to one another (for that I forgat to tell you) they'r to signifie their consent, when he asks 'em, Will you such a one— by reverences, and giving their hands; you never heard of such a humor, but their both mad———

Pun.Ha! ha! ha! Rare, as Fantastical as a Whirl-gig— but how come you to know all this, my little pretty Witch of Lancashire?

Aur.Why that I'me coming to; her Maid you must know is my Pensioner, and betrays all Counsels; And to confirm all this to you, here's her last Letter to Truman about the business, which my Intelligencer ha's Deliver'd to me instead of him, you know her hand, Read it all over to your self.

[Reads.]Pun.
Ile swear by her Foot, this is her Hand,— hum— my Uncles sick, and no Body will be at this side o' the House,— the matted Chamber— hum— In at the Back door which shall be left only put to— (ha, ha, ha!) Mr. Soaker with you— just at four— you must not stay long with me— (ha, ha, ha!) when 'tis done and past recovery they'l release us of our Oaths— hum— I shall not fail— yours L. (ha, ha, ha.)

Aur.Now he knows nothing o' the time, for that he should ha' known by this Letter; and you conceive my design, I hope? you'r not a Wit for nothing.

Pun.My dear Pythagorean, that I should go in and Marry her instead of him?

Aur.Right! thou'st a shrewd reach.

Pun.But where's old Soaker all this while?

Aur.Why, I ha' told all this to him, only naming you in all things instead of Truman; and that 'twas my Contrivance all for my Cosens and your Sake; he's within at a Call, Ile send for him; whose there? Mary? call hither Mr. Soaker; I ha' given him five Pounds, and for so much more he'l Marry you to another to morrow, if you will.

Pun.I adore thee Queen Solomon; I had rather be Marri'd by such a Plot as this, than be Nephew to Prester John— Ile mak't a thousand Spankers.

Enter Mr. Soaker.

Aur.Oh come 'tis time Mr. Soaker; as soon as you ha' done leave the Marri'd couple together, Ile lock this Door upon you, go out at the to'ther, where shee'l come in to you.

Pun.'Tis as dark as the Devil's conscience; but the best is, the Parson ha's a good Fieri Facies, like a Holiday, that will give some Light.

Aur.No! there's Light enough to keep you from Stumbling within. Oh! I forgot to tell you, break a piece of Gold, and give her half, for a proof of the— do you understand me?

Pun.'Tis well thought on; but Domine Doctoribus, can you say the Service without Book are you sure?

Soaker.I warrant you Sir; can you Lye with her without Book afterwards?

Pun.Hee's a Wit too by Juno; all are Wits that have a finger in this Venison pasty.

Aur.Shee'l come, immediately, go in; do not stay above half an hour, Mr. Puny, my Cozen will be mist else, and all spoil'd.

Pun.Ile warrant you, let's in; dear Learning lead the way.
They go in, and Aurelia locks the Door o' the out-side. 
Aur.So, all's sure this way; Ile be with you straight.
Exit.