Scene 6.
Enter Jolly, Puny, Worm.
Joll.Mr. Puny, since you threaten me, I tell you plainly I think my Niece has undone her self by marrying thee, for though thou hast a fair Estate at present, I'm hainously mistaken if thou beest not cheated of it all within these three years by such Rabbit-suckers as these, that keep thee company, and like lying sons o' the Devil as they are, cry thee up for a Wit, when there's nothing so unlike, no not any of thy own Similitudes, thy odious Comparisons.
Pun.The Colonel's raging mad, like a Baker in the Subburbs, when his Oven's over-heated.
Wor.Good, very good i'faith.
Joll.I, that was one of 'em; as for her Portion, I thought to ha' given her a thousand pounds, but———
Pun.O magnanimous Colonel! what a Portion for a Toothpick-maker's daughter!
Wor.Good, shoot him thick with similies like Hail-shot.
Joll.But now thou shalt not have a groat with her.
Pun.What not a poor old Harry-Groat that looks as thin as a Poet's Cloak? But however, my noble Mountain hearted Uncle, I ha' made her Maiden-head a Crack'd Groat already, and if I ha' nothing more from her, she shall ha' nothing more from me; no, she
shall foot Stokins in a Stall for me, or make Childrens Caps in a Garret fifteen stories high.
Joll.For that matter (for though thou speak'st no sense I guess thy brutish meaning) the Law will allow her honorable Alimony out o' your Foolship's Fortune.
Pun.And the Law will allow me her Portion too, good Colonel Uncle, you'r not too big to be brought into Westminster-hall; nay, Captain, his Niece uses me worse too, she will not let me touch the Nail of her little finger, and rails at me like a Flounder-mouth'd Fish-woman with a face like Billingsgate.
Joll.What flesh can support such an affected Widgen, who ha's not a design to cheat him of something as that Vermin ha's? well, I shall be able to Live now I hope as befits a Gentleman, and therefore I'le endure the company of Fopps and Knaves no longer.
Wor.Come Colonel, let's go in, and dispute the difference conscienciously over a Bottle o' Sack.
Joll.I keep no Tavern, Worm; or if I did, thy whole Estate would hardly reach to a Gill.
Wor.Colonel, thou art grown Unkind, and art Drunk this afternoon without me.
Joll.Without thee, Buffoon? why I tell thee, thou shall never shew that Odd, Pimping, Cheating face o' thine within my Doors agen, I'le turn away any man o' mine that shall disparage himself to drink with such a fellow as thou art.
Wor.As I? why what am I? pray? Mighty Colonel!
Joll.Thou art or hast been every thing that's ill, there is no Scandalous way of Living, no Vocation of the Devil, that thou hast not set up in at one time or other; Fortune ha's Whip'd thee about through all her streets; Thou 'rt one that Lives like a Raven, by Providence and Rapin; now thou 'rt feeding upon that raw young fellow, and doest Devour and Kaw him; thou 'rt one that if thou should'st by chance go to Bed sober, would'st write it down in thy Almanack, for an Unlucky day; sleep is not the Image of Death to thee, unless thou bee'st Dead drunk; Thou art— I know not what— thou'rt any thing, and shall be to me herafter nothing.
Pun.This Colonel pisses Vinegar to day.
Wor.This is uncivil Language Colonel to an old Camerade, and one of your own party.
Joll.My Comrade? o' my party thou? or any but the party of the Pick-purses!
Pun.This bouncing Bear of a Colonel will break the back o' my little Whelp of a Captain, unless I take him off; come away Captain, I'le firk his back with two Bum-baylies, till he spew up every Stiver of her Portion.
Joll.Fare-ye-well, Gentlemen, come not near these Doors if you love your own Leather, I'l ha' my Scullions batter you with Bones and Turneps, and the Maids drown you with Piss-pots, if you do but approach the Windows; these are sawcy Knaves indeed, to come to me for Pounds and Portions.
[Exit.
[Exit.
Wor.Poverty, the Pox, an ill Wife, and the Devil go with thee, Colonel.
Pun.I vex'd him to the Gills, Worm, when I put that bitter Bob o' the Baker upon him.
Wor.I? i'st e'n so? not come to your House? by Jove I'l turn him out of it himself by a trick that I have.
Pun.Pish! thou talk'st as Ravingly as a Costermonger in a Feaver.
Wor.I'l do't by Jove.
Pun.How, prethee, Captain? what does thy Pericranium mean?
Wor.Why here I ha't, by Jove; I'm ravish'd with the fancy of it; let me see— let me see— his Brother went seven years ago to Guiny.———
Pun.I, but the Merchants say he's Dead long since, and gon to the Blackamores below.
Wor.The more Knaves they; he Lives, and I'm the man.
Pun.Ha! ha! ha! thou talk'st like a Sowc'd Hoggs-face.
Wor.I knew him very well, and am pretty like him, liker than any of your Similitudes, Puny; by long Conversation with him, and the Colonel, I know all passages betwixt 'em; and what his Humor and his Estate was, much better than he himself, when he was Alive; he was a Stranger thing than any Monster in Afrique where he Traded.
Pun.How! prethee Captain? I love these Odd fantastical things as an Alderman loves Lobsters.
Wor.Why, you must know, he had quite lost his memory, totally, and yet thought himself an able man for business, and that he did himself all that was done by his man Iohn, who went always along with him; like a Dog with a Blind man.
Pun.Ha! ha! ha! Sublimely fantastical
Wor.He carry'd a Scrowl about him of Memorandums, even of his Daughters and his Brothers names, and where his House stood; for as I told you, he remembred nothing; and where his Scrowl failed, Iohn was his remembrancer, we were wont to call him Remembrancer Iohn.
Pun.Ha, ha, ha! Rarely exotique! I'l Act that apple Iohn, never was such a Iohn as I; not Iohn o' Gant, or Iohn o' Nokes, I will turn Remembrancer Iohn, as round as a Wedding Ring, ha, ha, ha!
Wor.Well said! but you must lay aside conceits for a while, and remote fancies. I'l teach you his humor instantly; now will I and my man Iohn swarthy our faces over as if that Country's heat had made 'em so, (which will Disguise us sufficiently) and attire our selves in some strange Habits o' those Parts, (I know not how yet, but we shall see it in Speed's Mapps) and come and take Possession of our House and Estate.
Pun.Dear Ovid, let's about thy Metamorphosis.
Wor.'Twill be discover'd perhaps at last, but however, for the present 'twill break off his match with the Widdow, (which makes him so Proud now) and therefore it must be done in the twinkling of an Eye, for they say he's to marry her this Night; if all fail, 'twill be at least a merry 'bout for an hour, and a mask to the Wedding.
Pun.Quick, dear Rogue! quick as Precipitation.
Wor.I know where we can ha' Cloaths, hard by here; give me ten Pounds to hire 'em, and come away, but of all things, man Iohn, take heed of being witty.
[Exeunt.Pun.I, that's the Devil on't; well, go; I'l follow you behind like a long Rapier.