THE LIGHTER SIDE
THE
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LIGHTER SIDE
COURT-HOUSE HUMOR By Ben Winslow ONE does not expect to find humor of a mirth provoking quality within the somber walls of a court-house where only the most serious business is transacted. For this reason the spontaneous flashes of wit that occasionally come to brighten the dismal proceedings of the criminal courts or the monotonous routine of the civil courts are more striking than any other class. Because of the surroundings and its unexpectedness, the court-house bon mot is more laughable than the jest of the stage or street. Court-house humor is, for the most part, supplied by nervous defendants or witnesses for or against him, and, as the following collection will show, the quick-witted son of Erin supplies his share. The excellent work of a very successful criminal lawyer secured the complete ex oneration of a man who had been arrested for stealing a pair of trousers, and he was told to step out of the dock. The prisoner did not stir. Again he was told to step out, but he did not move. His counsel went over to him and asked : "Why don't you step out, you've been acquitted?" "I can't," he replied in a stage whisper that was heard throughout the court-room, "the owner of the pants is out there and I've got 'em on." An Irishman, whose name is not material, brought suit for damages against his em ployer. The employee, while performing his duties, had been kicked by one of the animals belonging to the employer. "Were you careful in attending the animal?" asked the defending counsel. "Yes, sir," replied the witness. "And you didn't prod him on the legs with the fork?"
"No, sir." "Or excite him in any way?" "No, sir." "Then, sir," asked the lawyer, "what reason can you give for him having kicked you?" "Because he was a mule, sir," responded the witness. A bicycle policeman of the same national ity appeared against a man he had arrested for fast riding. "How fast was he going?" asked the judge. "Pretty fast," answered the policeman. "As fast as a man can run?" "Yis, your honor, he was going as fast as two min can run." An Irishman was arraigned before a police court judge on a charge of assault and battery. "Are you guilty or not guilty?" asked the clerk, when he finished reading the charge, to which the prisoner replied : "How the devil can I tell until I hear the evidence?" Patrick O'Rourke, a familiar character who was known to practically everyone in his town, had occasion to appear before a police magistrate to answer a charge of larceny. After hearing the testimony of two witnesses who said they saw Pat take the goods, the magistrate said: "Well Pat, I think you are guilty." "And phat makes you think that?" asked Pat. "These two men who say they saw you take the goods." "And is that all?" asked Pat, in surprise. "Why mon, I can bring two hundred min who will swear they didn'tsee me take them." A homeless, friendless, and moneyless tramp had been arrested for burglary.
