without it—for the sense of sin would he sometimes as if it would die and go quite away—then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit, and would cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart but by the right way, by the blood of Christ, and the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul; for that scripture did lay much upon me, "Without shedding of blood is no remission" (Heb. ix. 22). And that which made me the more afraid of this was because I had seen some who, though when they were under the wounds of conscience would cry and pray, yet, feeling rather present ease for their trouble than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind. Now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more that it might not be so with me.
87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate: I counted man as unconverted the most doleful of all creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much godliness of heart as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man, indeed, is the most noble; by creation of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc, I blessed their condition, for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell fire after death. I could, therefore; have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while. But when the comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the Song (iv. 1), "Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair." But at that time he made these
