my, plague and affliction, that I had the guilt of to amazement—by reason of that I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than a toad, and thought I was so in God's eyes too: sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble cut of my heart as water would out of a fountain. I thought now that every one had a better heart than I had; I thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair, for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I. I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind. And thus I continued a long while, even for some years together.
85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder: the one was when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life as if they should live here always; the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down when they met with outward losses, as of husband, wife, or child, etc. Lord, thought I, what seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for, the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah, how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed with but bread and water! I should count these but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens. "A wounded spirit who can bear?"
86. And though I was much troubled and afflicted with the sight and sense of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and: sense go quite off my mind: for I found that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way—that is by the blood of Christ—a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind; and if it was going off
