when I considered that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched! What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression"? (Ps. xix. 13.) Must that wicked one touch my soul? (1 John v. 18.) Oh, what sting did I find in all these sentences!
153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable—but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy? And must I be guilty of that? Is there but one sin, among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness? And must I commit this? O unhappy sin! O unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit that I thought at times they would have broke my wits. And still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh, no one knows the terror of those days but myself!
154. After this I began to consider of Peter's sin which he committed in denying his Master. And, indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received—yea, and that, too, after warning given him. I also considered that he did it once and twice, and that after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that if possible I might find help, yet I considered again that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself that I came nearer to Judas than either David or Peter.
155. Here again, my torment would flame out and afflict me—yea it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for I could evidently see God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh, how did my soul at this time prize the pre-
