if it should differ though but the breadth of a hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally, but mine was against prayer and strivings; besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry on a sudden. All this While I was tossed to and fro like the locust, and driven from trouble to sorrow, hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, the dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas's sin was for a while some little relief to me, for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; wherefore, for ought I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such as might never be passed by.
160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints in the day of judgment—insomuch that now I scarce could see a good man that I believed had a good conscience but I should feel my heart tremble at him while I was in his presence. Oh, now I saw a glory in walking with God, and What a mercy it was to have a good conscience before him!
161. I was about this time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinions : as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no grievous thing—the tempter suggesting thus: For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand; drive the thoughts of damning meet your mind by possessing it with some such conclusions that atheists and ranters use to help themselves withal.
162. But oh when such thoughts have led through my heart, how as it were within a step, hath death and judg-
