Chapter II
Now in the former part of this treatise, amidst other definitions, a pipe was defined thus:—Instrumentum per quod tabaci fumus ore trahitur—an instrument by which the smoke of tobacco is inhaled—which definition is well adapted for that material portion of Pipe Philosophy in which it has been placed. But for our present purposes it will be better defined as "That by which it is possible for tobacco to have position or positive existence;" which it will readily be perceived is a more abstract and metaphysical statement than the former. A pipe, then, is a thing instrumental to our participation in the energy developed by tobacco in the state of positive existence. Now all will acknowledge that of pipes some are good, some bad, and some indifferent; let it be ours to inquire in what a pipe's excellence or goodness consists, and what kind of pipe is most likely to possess this excellence. Now a pipe that is excellent in all respects is a rare and precious thing, not to be acquired every day, and deserving of much attention when possessed. And as in the former part the principal division was into simple and complex (quoad materiam), so here the principal division will be into long and short (quoad formam). Of this I esteem the long pipe as on the whole the best, and, in a word, the most adapted for the philosopher; my reason for so doing being that there is a certain pleasure in viewing the clouds of smoke rising from the bowl at a distance from the smoker, which pleasure the short pipe cannot afford. And it having been proved that this viewing of the smoke is one of the most important, and at the same time mysterious, pleasures which it is in the power of tobacco to afford, it is evident that a pipe which increaseth the force of this pleasure is most to be commended. Further, long pipes are divided into four classes, clay, china, wooden, water or hookah pipe. The first of these, clay, is that kind usually known as a churchwarden, either because it bears the same relation to ordinary pipes as a churchwarden does to the common herd of men, or because churchwardens, with that subtle understanding for which they have always been noted, perceiving the dignity of the pipe, determined to make use of it, and so by its being used by them it got the name. However that may be, it is in many ways a dignified and noble pipe, gracefully curved and pleasant in the mouth. But yet it is easily broken, and does not feel secure in the hand; having, besides, a very small bowl, requiring to be filled often, and very soon being exhausted.
Secondly, by the china pipe I mean those which are separable into three parts—namely, the stem, the bowl, and a third part joining the two, and acting as a reservoir for such liquor as may collect. And this is a pipe to be beheld with reverence and awe; for is it not the very tubulus philosophorum Germanicorum—the pipe of German philosophers? Have I not with mine own eyes seen the mighty Spitsbubius in his study holding such a pipe in his hand, and filling it from a mighty jar beside him? Is not the pipe used by the gigantic Dummerkopfius in the compilation of his Noctes Nebulosæ at this present moment to be seen in the Museum of Berlin? And doth it not hold two ounces at the least? Yea, verily it doth, and is a pipe to rejoice the heart of Νεφεληγερέτα Ζεύς himself. Happy is he who, possessing such an instrument, fashions his life and conversation agreeably to the same.
Next cometh the long wooden pipe, which, though not hallowed by the names of mighty men, is nathless much to be lauded for its coolness to the mouth and adaptability to the hand. Consisting wholly of wood, it is hard to be broken, in this respect being superior to the churchwarden. Also it hath commonly a large and rotund bowl, pleasing to the eye, and holding much tobacco. And if, in addition to these merits, it hath a flexible joining near to the mouthpiece, so that it may be bent to any direction, it seems to me to approach very near to perfection. But let it be noted that the wood from bowl to mouthpiece be sound and good, which wanting it becomes an abomination, transmuting good tobacco into vile and execrable mundungus.
Last of the long pipes, properly so called, comes the hookah or water pipe. But if this is to be smoked well it must be with its appropriate tobacco, prepared in the orthodox manner, and lighted and kept burning by charcoal. Wherefore he who smokes a hookah should have a slave whose sole duty is the care thereof, else is it a weariness, and productive rather of pain than pleasure. But if the slave understand his office well, then shall it give thee joy, both by reason of the twistings and writhings of the tube and the sight of the smoke curling forth at so great a distance. Wherefore, when I shall become possessed of gold and silver in abundance, I will build me a house with a great hall about the size of a tennis-court. And at one end there shall be a dais, with cushions of precious stuff in the Eastern manner, whereon I will sit me down. But at the other, nigh unto the roof, shall be a gallery with mighty hookahs thereon, the least of which shall hold a full pound of tobacco. And from them, in many twining convolutions, shall their tubes go forth, yea, even unto the cushioned dais shall they go; and seated there with my friends I shall truly smoke and partake of the real and divine energy. But since at the present I have neither gold nor silver, nor apes nor peacocks, I will content me with wood and clay, and receive from them such pleasaunce as they will afford.
Now these being the principal kinds of long pipes, next follow the short pipes, of which there are two divisions, clay and wood. And to all short pipes pertain the following excellences:—(1) They are light in the mouth, and do not drag out one's teeth before their time to be dragged out has come. (2) They give no trouble to the hands. (3) They may be smoked abroad, whether in the city or the country. And in this last particular they plainly surpass the long pipes, which it is impossible to use sub Dio, at least in this land of ours. Now the wooden pipes are subdivided into an infinite variety of forms, and also a great variety of matter, according to the different species of wood that are wont to be used in their confection. As to form, I do most commend those with a large and rotund bowl and a wide mouthpiece. Let the stem also be straight, for in a short pipe a bent and curling stem non est virtus sed vitium—is a blemish and not an excellence. Let the stem likewise be thick and sturdy, of one part with the bowl, and provided with a strong mouthpiece, of some good sort of bone. So that as a fellow-Silurian once observed to me of his favourite pipe, "If thou sittest on this pipe, thou, and not the pipe, wilt be the sufferer." And this saying came not to him by chance or fortuity, but had been handed down from Jestyn ap Gwrgan, his ancestor, the bowl of whose pipe was even a hollow rock, and the stem thereof a young pine-tree. And when the clouds of heaven, hanging low, obscure the mountains from the eyes of men, then they say that Jestyn is smoking his pipe; which whether it be true I dare not pronounce, but am inclined to believe it possible.
Such being our demonstration of short wooden pipes, next let us advance to short clay pipes, which may be arranged under two heads—namely, clay proper, as the term is commonly understood, and meerschaum, which is a finer and better sort of clay. Now it will be remembered that in the former part of this tract in my synopsis of pipes and in the definitions preceding that synopsis mention was made of "ornament" and "essential colour," and it was explained that the term "ornament" denoted that the surface of a pipe was not smooth and plane, but in all or singular of its parts raised or embossed. And "essential colour" signified that by the art of the maker any colour or colours had been affixed to the pipe to which the term might be applied. Now it is a point much in dispute among philosophers whether it is better that a pipe should be smooth as to its surface, or, on the other hand, be enriched with carving. And for my part I do pronounce that the only way in which carving is profitable is when the bowl of the pipe is made into the similitude of a human head, especially if the head be of that kind known as a skull, the contemplation of which can not fail to be profitable and agreeable. And if the smoker will but propose to himself that the skull he is smoking is that of a woman, he will, if he think the matter over, be much edified and instructed. And this for two reasons—firstly, that a woman is being turned to some use, which is seldom the case, and when it does occur should be welcomed with joy; and secondly, that by gazing upon this woman's skull he may better learn to despise and abhor the faces of those women who are alive. For let these faces of flesh be as enticing and beautiful as you please, skulls they are, and ere long skulls they will be, devoid of those graces which have lured many an honest man to shame and destruction—yea, even unto breaking of pipes and burning of cigars for love of a face, than which no shame can be greater or more flagitious. So much for ornament, and as to essential colour I confess I like it not, save that it be used very sparingly, and so as to make of greater effect that "accidental" colour which thy persistent smoking may impart.
Now the merits of short clay pipes are these: (1) They are light and easy to be carried in the mouth; (2) they are "an insult to decent society"—I considering "decent society" as a filthy and obscene harridan which every man does well to trample on and defy; (3) they, after long smoking, become saturated with tobacco, and so excellently sweet. But yet they are of all pipes most easy to be broken, as much for their smallness as their brittle texture. For two things being equally brittle, but one larger than the other, the larger will endure, since every one can see it, and so is 'ware of breaking it; but the smaller is apt to escape the sight, and so be destroyed unawares. Wherefore a short clay pipe is more likely to be broken than a churchwarden. Further, unless the clay be really of the best, they are very noxious, and apt to breed bile and black choler. And of all bad pipes a bad clay pipe is surely the worst. Therefore let the catechumen in smoking be chary of using them lest they become a Stumbling-Block to him and a cause of offence. With regard to meerschaums I would remark one thing, and one only. Be not misled in buying them by a pleasant appearance and outward show of a soft and creamy lustre. For all these are easy to be simulated by cunning men, whom I blame not, but those deceived by such devices. But if thou wouldest test whether it be a true meerschaum hold it in thine hand and try it by its weight. For true meerschaum is exceeding light and clay heavy. And this is a certain proof.
Such being the principal kinds of pipes, next cometh the question which is the best to possess. And if we were tied by an authority to choose one alone and smoke it perpetually I know not how I should answer, since each pipe has peculiar virtues, and not one possesses them all. But this not being the case I give the following five kinds as meet to be smoked, at different times, and in different cases: (1) A short wooden pipe of that stubborn sort which was commended. And this for general use in the open air and in rough walking. (2) A long wooden pipe with a bulbous bowl and a flexible stem. And this to be used in the house, and convenient for meditation. (3) A short clay pipe, plain and without adornment. And this to be used in the parks and public places for the insulting of Fools. (4) A skull's-head pipe of white clay or meerschaum. And this to be used when in danger of falling in love, or being beguiled by "the monster woman," as Master Abraham Cowley hath it. (5) A china pipe of the German fashion, as described. And this to be used in the study of ancient tongues and bygone things, or in reading books of German philosophy.
And concerning the various sorts of pipes, their excellences, their vices, and the uses of each sort, let such things have been said.
Now it having been shown that each pipe is appropriate to a certain disposition of the mind, from which ariseth the questions—Do certain pipes produce certain dispositions, or do certain dispositions produce certain pipes?—that is to say, are the influences which are undoubtedly exerted by pipes inherent in them, or are they only the results of association? On this point much dispute has arisen; for it is maintained, on the one hand, by Smalgruelius that men are moved to read German philosophy by smoking German pipes, which (he insists) have a certain occult influence on the mind owing chiefly to the strange arrangement and shape of the bowl, and also to the manner in which they are held. To him consents Arnoldus, who declares the abstract idea of German pipes to be "An eternal not ourselves that makes for cloudiness." But, on the other hand, Stoschius will have it that men are not Irish navvies because they smoke short black pipes, but smoke short black pipes because they are Irish navvies, which being a knotty point I leave for the solution of my readers, and trust they may come to a satisfactory conclusion thereon.
Next cometh the question whether pipe⟨s⟩ can ever begin to be, or ever cease to exist. Now in the Organum Novissimum it is thus argued that pipes have no beginning:—"All matter has existed from eternity, all pipes are matter—ergo, all pipes have existed from eternity," which seems indeed to be a true and valid syllogism in Barbara. And foreseeing that some might object to the major premiss as contrary to religion, it has been put in this form:—Since matter first existed no matter has been destroyed; but pipes are matter, therefore, since matter first existed, no pipes have been destroyed—i. e., pipes have existed from the beginning of time. But notwithstanding the force of this argument Dummerkopfius does not hesitate to pronounce it "crassa et putida æquivocatio, et nihil amplius"—a crass and putid equivocation, and nothing more.
On the other hand, those who affirm that it is impossible that a pipe should ever cease to exist argue as follows:—That which exists cannot cease to exist (since matter is indestructible). A pipe exists! therefore a pipe is indestructible, whence, combining these two conclusions, we determine that pipes have neither a beginning nor ending, which determination cannot fail to produce a calm and equable habit of the mind. For example, yesterday, having the wherewithal, thou didst buy a meerschaum, cunningly and rarely adorned, as if from the very hands of Dædalus, giving, in exchange for it, much gold. And to-day, meeting a friend, in the pride and joy of thine heart thou didst, without delay, pull it forth to exhibit it, and have much honour thereby. But, alas! it slipped from thine hands, and, falling on the stone, was broken and shattered beyond all mending. Nathless grieve not, for hath it not been proved that a pipe is a thing indestructible, and lasting for ever? And though to the eye of sense thy pipe appears to have been destroyed, yet, transcendentally, it doubtless exists unaltered, and will always so exist. And if, upon reading this, the circumstance do really occur as I have related, and thou still wilt persist to repine and cry aloud Ἀι Ἀι; then shalt thou be accounted a pitiful dolt and loghead, possessed of the Divine reason, but yet not exercising it.
This matter being fully determined and made clear, I would next draw the attention of the studious to a mysterious and doubtful point, by the consideration of which many have become sorely poddered and confounded. And it is this:—Whether, supposing any one to dream of a pipe or of smoking, the pipe that has been dreamt of has any real existence? And the same with regard to the tobacco smoked, the smoke thereof, and the ashes thereof. Now in the judgment of the Rosicrucians pipe, tobacco, ashes, and smoke do verily exist―nay, are more real than the pipes we smoke in our waking hours, which are, indeed, but shadows and similitudes adapted for our material nature, but in no proper sense of the word real. On this see The Rosicrucians, editio altera, p. 116, where the following words may be found: "But to the question, what is a dream?—nay, what is waking?—who shall answer? or who can declare whether in that broad outside, where our minds and our powers evaporate and cease, where nature melts away into nothing that we can know as nature, or know as anything else, in regard to dreams and realities, the one may not be the other? The dream may be man's life to him—as another life other than his own life—and the reality may be the dream, . . . while we, awake as we fancy ourselves, may be sunk in a sleep of many thousand years." κ.τ.λ. So, it being granted that our dream life is more real than our waking life, the conclusion followeth of necessity that our dream pipes are more real than our waking pipes. Wherefore the whole array of material pipes is, as it were, doubled and confronted by a spiritual host of spiritual pipes, existing in some world we know not of, and to be smoked alone in dreams. To what boundless realms of thought doth this lead us, and what manifold deductions might be drawn therefrom! May not each one of us, from the days of Adam Kadmon to now, have each a patron pipe, as it were, allotted to him, bearing a mysterious relation to his natural habit of mind and body? Hence the pipes a man smokes and his occupation and station may not entirely be disconnected, as Stoschius supposes—e. g., it may be in some part true that A is an Irish navvy because he uses a short clay, and X is a man of wealth because he smokes a meerschaum. But of a truth this theory of dream pipes is altogether too deep a matter to be merely handled in so small a treatise, so I do but give hints and outlines, which the reader may fill in for himself as it pleaseth him.
Next I will notice those sophisms or fallacies with which Pipe Philosophers are wont, on occasion, to divert themselves. And, for example, take the following, by which it has been shown that smoking is impossible. To smoke is to inhale tobacco, but to do this it is necessary for the mouthpiece of the pipe to come in contact with the lips. And suppose that the mouthpiece of the pipe about to be smoked is a foot distant from the lips, then move it so that it becomes nearer by a half; then again move it nearer by a quarter, and then by an eighth, and so on. By which it will continually come more and more near to the mouth, but yet will never touch it. But since it is necessary in smoking for the mouthpiece to touch the mouth, smoking is impossible. This against the possibility of smoking, but against the utility of smoking take the following:—
"If you smoke cigars you cause expense (to yourself).If you smoke pipes you cause offence (to others).
But you must smoke one or the other, therefore it is best not to smoke."
And this being the composition of a sophist, who sold it at a great price to a certain Anti-Smoking Association, was confuted as follows by the author of this book in his Disputationes MD Contra Lawsonum:—
"If I smoke pipes I shall please myself.
If I smoke cigars I shall please others.
Therefore it is best to smoke."
And many other ingenious arguments of this kind are there, which I omit, they pertaining rather to the eristical art than the fumifical, properly so called.
And this is all that I shall say on the matter of pipes.