Chapter III
The second category of place admits of two divisions—the place where not and the place where. For example of the first take, in past time, Socrates; in present time, Mr. Isaac Pitman; in future time, the perfect man of Herbert Spencer, all of whom have smoked, smoke, and will smoke in the place where they are not, or, in more common language, nowhere. It has, indeed, been asserted that it is impossible for any one to smoke in the place where he is not, but the above examples plainly prove the contradictory, which to all rational men is a self-evident and axiomatic proposition. But as to the manner in which it is accomplished, and as to the pipes which are used (in smoking where you are not), this I may not manifest, it being one of those secret doctrines known only to a few, and unmeet to be revealed. But he who in a reverent and devout spirit shall apply himself to the study of the Pythagorean hymn "Unus, Duo: Soccum Fibulato" (One, Two: Buckle my Shoe), may, by a perception of the mystic numbers therein contained, arrive at an understanding of this matter. For if he can but become a "pontifex" or "bridge-maker" between the limitable (one) and the illimitable (two), and clearly perceive how it comes to pass that "twice one are two," then indeed the buckling of the shoe is an easy task. But this knowledge is not for the many, and is hard to be got. Now I imagine that I perceive many a one who has hitherto read with patience, and it may be not without edification, now fling the book down and scornfully declare that he who thinks is a hard matter to understand "twice one are two" is not fitted to read books, much less to write them. But yet, O Cato, dost thou thyself understand this? Tell my not that it so because the multiplication-table declares it to be so; for that is but saying, "It is so because it is so." Neither use long words such as "unity" and "duality," for they are but one and two in Roman togas. Neither talk of experience, and endeavour to explain the mystery by telling me that "twice one are two" because twice one shilling is two shillings. For there was a time when there were neither shillings, nor denarii, nor drachmas—nay, nor men to possess them, nor a world for men to dwell in; yet, then as now, it might have been written in space, "Twice one are two."
This being all that I shall write concerning smoking in the place where you are not, I will next treat of that kind of smoking more commonly practised—namely, in the place where you are. And the different divisions of place where I have exhibited in the form of a "tree," partly after that known as "Arbor Porphyriana," but differing from it as to matter.
By this synopsis we perceive that place where is capable of two main divisions—in the open air and indoors. The open air or hypæthral division may be further divided into celestial (in the air), terrestrial (on land), and aqueous (on water). Now it is possible to smoke in the air in two ways—in a balloon and out of a balloon, which last, though it is practicable and, perchance, pleasurable, I do not think has ever been accomplished, and this is doubtless due to the mind being in such cases taken up by the consideration of other matters. It will be seen that the terrestrial member is not further subdivided, which omission is not to be imputed to inability or ignorance on my part, but to an unwillingness to occupy the space that would be required, any further subdivision amounting to a description of the habitable world. The aqueous member, however, is here fully partitioned into its several sections, all of which are too commonly known to require particular discourse. I will, nathless, observe that if any one should sit in a boat-house on the shore of a Scotch loch through which a river flows into the
| PLACE. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hypæthral. [In the Open Air.] | Anæthral. [Indoors.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In the Air. | On Land. | On Water. | In a Room. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In a Balloon. Out of a Balloon. | On the Sea. | On a River. | On a Lake. | In a Chair. | On a Bed. | In a Bed. | On the Floor. | On the Table. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In a Ship. In a Boat. In the Water. | In a Boat. | In the Water. | Under a Bed. | Under the Table. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Half on Land, and | Half in the Open Air | and Half Indoors. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Half in the Water. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In a Boat House. | In a Summer House. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
sea he will (provided the loch be proximate to the open sea) be smoking in as composite a manner as is possible. For let him, though sitting on the floor of the boat-house, dip his legs into the water, and at the same moment he will be partly indoors and partly in the open air, partly on the land and partly on water, partly on the sea, partly on a river, and partly on a lake. So much for hypæthral or open-air smoking. Next for the anæthral ⟨or⟩ indoor smoking, for all general purposes it is sufficient to say that it always implies the being in a room, the which is further subdivided into possible positions in that room. Of these I most commend smoking in bed, but do advise that the pipe smoked be a long one, and would caution the reader to have all things necessary for smoking to hand, for the jumping out of bed to get a light is plainly contrary to sound reason. And if any one should require a demonstration of this let him read the Great Morals of Aristotle, who leaveth no doubt whatever on the subject. And as by a careful study of the above "tree" it is easy to get at all the maxims relating to place where, I will not give them at length, but only a few by way of example, such as the following:—I. Super mensam et sub mensâ eodem tempore fumare, impossibile est. To smoke on the table and under the table at the same time is impossible. II. Qui fumat in æthere, non fumat in aquâ. He who smokes in the air does not smoke in the water. III. Tribunis sellâ curuli sedentibus, fumare vetitum est. It was forbidden the tribunes to smoke while sitting on the curule chair. IV. Cavendum est ut fundum habeat, si vis sellâ fumare. If you wish to smoke in a chair see that it has a seat. V. Auriculariæ vj domum æstivam non fecerunt. Six earwigs don't make a summer-house. VI. Tam boni in mari continentur tubuli, quam illi e mari extracti. There are as good pipes in the sea as ever came out of it. Of these the fourth has been disputed on the ground that any one who sits down in a chair without a seat experiences a sensation of surprise; that surprise is akin to joy; that joy is akin to happiness; that happiness is the object and end of our whole lives; therefore that he who sits down in a chair without a seat has attained the object and end of his whole life. To the fifth maxim Alciphron (known as "The Minute Philosopher") objects that the number of earwigs required in the composition of a summer-house is, as a matter of fact, 5¾; and he also denies the truth of the sixth maxim, since it is impossible for us to really ascertain whether the sea does not contain even better pipes than have come out of it, and he therefore advocates a wise suspension of judgment on this dubious and obscure question. It has also been opposed by the dogmatic Pipe Philosophers, who deny that pipes ever have come out of the sea, but this objection being founded on a false and misleading doctrine of experience does not merit a serious consideration.
And concerning these commonplaces or topics of place where enough, they being obvious and of little concern, but I would fain take notice of a disputable and disputed point—whether it should be lawful to smoke in churches. Now at the present this is not the case, and I doubt not that some may consider it profanity to even mention such a matter. But all this is on the assumption that smoking is profanity, which I will by no means allow, for I maintain, on the contrary, that it disposes the mind to attention, which must be either desirable or not desirable. If it is not desirable then it must be right to be inattentive in church (for what is not desirable is not right), but this is plainly not the case, and therefore it is desirable, and therefore right. Secondly, it may be said that the fumes would be disgusting to certain persons, but this objection assumes that whatever is disagreeable to some must be unlawful for all, but this is plainly not a fact; for if it were, since it is disagreeable to some persons to be sober, it would follow that we should be all drunkards, which is absurd. And again, granting that it would be disagreeable to some, and that therefore all should be debarred, what easier than to have smoking galleries, by which all possible annoyance would be avoided? And thirdly, it may be said that smoking in churches is not customary, and therefore not right, in which it is assumed that whatever is not customary is not right. But if so it must have been right to burn heretics and schismatics, for it was very customary. Fourthly, it will be argued that what may be called the associations of smoking are of such a kind that though per se it is not profane, yet by its relations it has become so, and so should not be allowed. These opponents would talk of how "tinkers and beastly folk" do smoke, of the vile places they smoke in, and of the vile words that proceed out of their mouths as they smoke. But no one that I know of has condemned standing or sitting in church because vile people stand and sit in vile places, or singing in church because there are vile and filthy songs. So we perceive that all these objections against smoking in churches are but empty sophisms, possessing no real weight or validity. Yet many feeble folk are misled and confounded by them, and so it was my duty so thoroughly to expose and confute the same that no one upon reading this book should have it in his power to bring forward the excuse of ignorance.
And since some, on a study of the tree, may blame me for having omitted "smoking-carriages," I reply that these "smoking-carriages" are but rooms in motion. And if any one shall say that they are not rooms because they are in motion I tell him he is a dolt and an ass, who if kicked (as he would deserve to be) would deny the foot that kicked him to be a foot for the reason that it was in motion. I may say, however, that some have denied that smoking in anything which moves, whether carriage, boat, or ship, can reasonably be called smoking in any place whatever, since "mobile movetur nec in loco quo est, nec in loco quo non est"—that which is in motion moves neither in the place where it is nor in the place where it is not. (Here the word "loco" would tempt the fool to jest, and seeing that I forbear thou mayest conclude what thou pleasest, but beware of an illicit process.) But since you must either smoke in the place where you are or in the place where you are not, and it is plain that you are not smoking in the place where you are not (for you are in the carriage, ship, or boat), therefore it is clear that you are smoking where you are. But yet, I allow, there is a certain difference between smoking in that which moves and that which moves not, so I will meet the objectors half-way and term such smoking smoking in space. But this again must be carefully distinguished from smoking in or out of a balloon (in the air), for in this later case your body is wholly disconnected from the earth, whereas the carriage rests upon wheels, the wheels upon rails, and the rails upon the earth.
Now as to the question whether it is good to smoke at games, I reply that in all games requiring an application of the mind it is good, as tending to increase the attention and application thereof. Such be chess-play, the philosopher's game, and all ouronomachies and metronomachies, together with games at cards and the like. But, on the other hand, I forbid smoking at tennis and all ball games in which a free play of the body and hands is required, as being likely to impede free action and lead to loss. Especially do I discountenance it in tennis-play, which of all games demandeth the most bodily action, and trust me he who smoketh at this game is little like to make a good chase or put the ball into the grille. But to those in the dedans who watch the sport it may well be allowed, and so for all games with regard to those who look on. And notably in bowls it is a pleasant thing, seated on a bench with a can of ale, to smoke a pipe and cry "Euge! Belle! Pessime!" as it may hap, so to partake in the delight and not the labour of the game. Yet beware of using a pipe of any new-fangled or curious shape, for thus the whole would be marred and become discordant, and like to ancient misereres cushioned with white satin. So the only pipe proper in such case is the churchwarden, and that a full yard in length. Likewise let the tobacco be placed on a dish, and all will be harmonious and in accord.
But this digression into which I have wandered pertains rather to pipe poetry than Pipe Philosophy, and so I will not enlarge upon it. And for the same reason I do not enter into the innumerable digressions which are open to me concerning place, but leave them either to be writ or not to be writ as it may chance. Wherefore as to place, both where and where not, enough, and so as to what follows.