The Beauties of Burn's Poems/The Inventory

by Robert Burns (1759-1796)

For other versions of this work, see The Inventory of the Poet's Goods and Chattels.

THE INVENTORY,

In answer to a Mandate by a Suryor of the Taxes.

Sir, as your Mandate did request,
I send you here a faithfu' list,
My horses, servants, carts, and graith,
To which I'm free to tak my aith.
Imprimis, then, for carriage-cattle,
I hae four brutes a' gallant mettle,
As ever drew before a pettle.
My hand-afore^[1], a gude auld has-been,
And wight and wilfu' a' his days seen:
My hand-a-hin^[2], a gude brown fillie,
Wha aft has borne me hame frae Killie^[3],
And your auld borough, monie a time,
In days when riding was nae crime:
My fur-a-hin^[4], a gude grey beast,
As e'er in tug or tow was trac'd.
The fourth a Highland-Donald, hastie,
And d—n'd Kilburnie blastie:
Forbye a cowte, o' cowtes the wale,
As ever ran afore a tail;
Gin he be spar'd to be a beast,
He'll draw me fifteen pand at least.—
Wheel carriages I hae but few,
Three carts, and twa are feckly new;
An auld wheel-barrow, mair for token,
Ae leg and baith the trams are broken;
I made a poker o' the spindle,
And my auld mother burnt the trundle.—
For men, I've three mischievous boys,
Run-deils for rantin and for noise!
A gadsman ane, a thrasher t'other,
Wee Davock hauds the nowte in fother.
I rule them, as I ought, discreetly,
And aft-n labour them completely;
And aye on Sundays, duly nightly,
I on the questions tairge them tightly;
Till, faith, wee Davock's turn'd sae gleg,
Tho' scarcely langer than my leg,
He'll screed you aff Effectual-Calling
As fast as ony in the dwalling.—
I've nane in female servin station,
(L—d keep me aye frae a' temptation!)
I hae nae wife, and that my bliss is,
And ye hae laid nae tax on misses;
For weans, I'm mair than weel contented,
Heav'n sent me ane mair than I wanted;
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$My sonsie, smirking, dear-bought Bess,
She stares the daddy in her face,
Enough of ought you like but grace;
But her, my bonny, sweet, wee lady,
I've said enough for her already,
And gin ye tax her or her mither,
By the L—d ye's get them a' thegither!

And now remember, Mr. Aiken,
Nae kind of licence out I'm takin;
Thro' dirt and dub for life I'll paidle,
E'er I sae dear pay for a saddle:
I've sturdy stumps, the L—d bethankit,
And a' my gates on foot I'll shank it.

This list wi' my ain hand I wrote it,
The day and date as under-notit;
Then know all ye whom it concerns,
Subscripsi huic,Robert Burns

Mossgiel, Feb. 22. 1786.

——— $\scriptstyle {\overbrace {\quad \quad \quad } }$ ———

 

1. The fore-horse on the left-hand in the plough.
2. The hindmost on the left-hand in the plough.
3. Kilmarnock.
4. The hindmost horse on the right-hand in the plough.