The Kaleidoscope; or, Literary and Scientific Mirror/Series 2/Volume 4/Number 195/The Dog With Two Masters

by Friedrich August Schulze

For other English-language translations of this work, see Zwei Herren für einen Hund.

THE DOG WITH TWO MASTERS.

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[Original Translation from the German of Frederic Laun.]

[CONTINUED FROM OUR LAST.]

Chapter 12th.—An accident.—Having cut his boots to pieces, Jeremiah was obliged to set off in shoes and silk stockings; and he did this with so much expedition that Jupiter was unable to follow. Enraged at so unusual a behaviour, the animal began to make such a noise that the rider was obliged to slacken his pace to avoid a fresh uproar. The journey was, therefore, continued very peaceably; and, after a little while, the Princess was actually discovered, in an open landau, with another lady and a gentleman. The heart of our hero began to beat with anxiety, for he had but a confused recollection of what had happened at supper, and he was anxious to know the extent of the mischief. He mustered up all the powers of his mind, in order to begin a neat speech; but the company in the carriage had no sooner perceived him, than their faces were turned, with marked displeasure, to the opposite side of the road, as if to avoid every communication; whilst Mr. De Pilson and his friends passed by in full gallop. A newly-painted turnpike alarmed, at the same time, the luckless adventurer’s horse; and, in his endeavours to pass, he got entangled with an old soldier’s wife, who had been fetching a fresh stock of brandy and other commodities, which the horse kicked into the mire. The virago attacked, thereupon, the traveller with such fury, and kept such fast hold of his coat, that Jupiter was obliged to tear it to pieces before he could free his master. The woman was, of course, indemnified beyond her demand, and the horse was led by the bridle; but it was a grievous thing, that the Princess and all the rest should have witnessed the scene—and yet that was the melancholy truth; for the cries of the Amazon had been heard at a great distance, and the whole party had stopped to see the issue of the contest. Jeremiah was more anxious than ever to come to an explanation, and to clear himself of the ridicule to which this new affair must have exposed him. He was determined to risk every thing for a tête-a-tête; but, for the present he could do nothing but return.

Chapter 13th. Fresh accidents.—Except the attention which was attracted to Jeremiah by his torn coat, he met with no disagreeable occurrence on his way home. A billet had been left at the Fox, with the following contents: “Excuse, if you can, the neglect you met with this morning, and be more punctual in the evening. I shall be at the play; and I will endeavour to get rid of my companions.”

This was glorious news; but there came also a messenger of evil in the shape of an attorney, who called on the part of Mrs. Liquorice, in order to obtain a final answer to her claims, and to insist upon Jeremiah’s declaring, in a legal manner, whether he intended to fulfil her just expectations, or to let the law have its course?

The student laughed in the ambassador’s face; but the latter continued very seriously and coolly. He said that his client could not have dreamt all the circumstances which she had stated, and that the giving up of her late husband’s marriage-shirt was in itself a proof of her having received positive declarations from its present wearer. At the same time, the gentleman presented a bill of the incurred expenses; stating, that no further mention should be made of the latter, in case of an accommodation on the main point. To avoid juridical interference, Mr. Schnackenberger declared, in his turn, that he would pay the enormous charges without dispute, if the hostess would sign a promise of resigning all other claims. The solicitor went to make the proposal; and the landlord of the Fox, who had been consulted on the occasion, gave it as his decided opinion, that it was by far the best way to get out of the scrape; and that his guest might think himself well off if the affair ended there; for nobody could come near the Sow without becoming a sufferer. The often-mentioned surtout had been sent back by a servant, who received in return the borrowed coat, and was commanded to give the best respects of the revived adventurer, including a delicate allusion to the next meeting; whilst an experienced taylor undertook the necessary reparation of his outward appearance.

Chapter 14th and 15th. A fur great coat, and its effects.—The knight of the thimble was not as good as his word; for, instead of bringing home the coat, he went to the play himself, without caring for Mr. Shnackenberger, who was now worse off than ever. The landlord and the principal waiters were likewise gone, and a poor, snivelling, little fellow, who kindly offered his Sunday-rigging, could not render him the service he wished; because the clothes were far too narrow and short. At last the waiter recollected a dealer in second-hand clothes, and set off for his dwelling; but he soon returned with the melancholy news that the man had gone to a neighbouring fair, and had left nothing at home but a huge fur great coat, for which he could not expect to find a customer at the present time of the year. “Never mind,” cried Jeremiah; “fetch me the fur coat, and I will wear it. It is impossible to struggle against fate.” The waiter represented, in vain, how the people would stare: he was despatched for the article, to which a round hat was added, in order to render the incognito more complete. For the same reason, it was also resolved that Jupiter should stay behind; and means were taken to secure him effectually.

The heat was most oppressive on that day, and the play-house likely to become very full; the people there assembled could, therefore, hardly believe their eyes, when they saw a man enter, who was dressed in an unusually heavy great coat, and who had drawn his hat over both ears, as if afraid of catching cold. The bench on which the figure had sat down was immediately evacuated, and so were other places in the neighbourhood; for the general idea was, that the creature had escaped from a mad-house, and its great bulk gave it a most formidable appearance. At last the manager ventured to address it, urged by the fear that his profits might be lessened, or the play disturbed through this circumstance. The cries of “turn him out” became at the same time pretty general, when suddenly three soldiers appeared to arrest the individual, by order of the police. Mr. Schnackenberger made no resistance, but felt rather relieved; because he hoped to find the means of providing himself with a more suitable dress which would enable him to return forthwith, and to appear with more advantage. He doubted not a moment of his being able to arrange every thing to his satisfaction as soon as he should state the case, such as it was; and he was not a little surprised at his been hurried along, among a noisy crowd of idlers, and conducted straight forward to the town’s prison, the door of which was turned and locked upon him before he could enter into any explanation. The jailor told him, for his greater comfort, that he would not be examined in a hurry, because the magistrate was better engaged for the evening, and the next day would be a holy-day, on which there was no court held. Jeremiah was very near knocking the man down; but he just recollected in time that this would not mend the matter.

Chapter 16th. Escape from Prison.—A fine moonlight night made confinement more irksome, and the prisoner shook in his rage the iron-bars of the window, when, to his great astonishment, they gave way, and remained in his hand. Apparently, one of his predecessors in the cell had thus prepared the way without having time to take advantage of his dexterity. Jeremiah hesitated not an instant to avail himself of the discovery; the height was not considerable, and, as soon as the sentinel turned round, he threw out his great-coat, jumped upon it, and stood on the parapet.

“Who goes there?” asked the sentinel.—“Nobody,” answered the fugitive.—“I must shoot,” rejoined the former.—“Do, if you can,” said the latter, shaking him by the breast, after having covered his face with fur. The trembling soldier fell on his knees, and begged for his life: he was a poor hair-dresser who had only entered into service very lately, in order to add something to his earnings.

The conqueror could scarcely refrain from laughing; but he granted the request of the vanquished soldier in exchange for his military coat, hat, and sword. He then hung the fur upon the poor man’s shoulders, put the round hat upon his head, and bid him to walk up and down, as if nothing had happened.

Chapter 17th. A Visit to the Burgomaster.—As the first magistrate lived in a very conspicuous part of the town, it was easy to find his dwelling. His housekeeper was quite alarmed at the unusual violence with which the bell was rung; and, when she perceived a town’s soldier at the door, she threatened him with exemplary punishment for his insolence.—“I come on business,” was the reply.—“No matter,” said the old woman, “Master is asleep, and business must sleep too until he awakes; that has always been the custom.”—“Well, but this time I must speak to him forthwith.”—“If you will, take all the responsibility upon yourself; but consider well what you are about: you eat corporation-bread, and it may be taken from you; that’s my business.”—“O, ho! very well.”—“I have given you fair warning; but come on.’—With these words she led the way to the great man’s room, and the appearance of the stranger excited quite as much wonder there as had been expressed before by the servant; but the Burgomaster stared still more when he perceived that the man was none of the chosen twelve, who constituted the military force of the town. Mr. Schnackenberger, however, allowed him not much time for consideration; he told him that he had been arrested without lawful cause, and that, having made his escape, he now wanted satisfaction.

“What! an escaped prisoner?” said the justice, trembling in every limb, and endeavouring to get near to the bell. “Stop,” said the visitor, who perceived his aim and witheld him, “I am the man in the fur coat; why have I been so shamefully treated?” After much shuffling and mutual misunderstanding, it came out, at last, that the unlucky fur had been described in a list of stolen goods, and that the magistrate had thought himself fully authorised to arrest the wearer of it. Jeremiah conceived, after this explanation, that his anxiety to conceal his face must have served to strengthen the suspicion against him: and he now only asked why a better [prison had not been assigned to him until after examination? But this was easily cleared up by the fact that the one in which he had been was the only one in the place. The collegian related now, in his turn, how he had become involved in this difficulty, and he offered to remain in the house until the next day: but the Burgomaster though it was better to let even a criminal escape than to break his promise by keeping a stranger. He very politely replied that he felt perfectly convinced of the gentleman’s innocence, and that he was very glad to have made his acquaintance; he even attended him down stairs himself.

Chapter 18th. Bad company.—The door of the Fox was still open; and there was light in Jeremiah’s room. He walked, therefore, up to it, without making any inquiries below. To his utmost surprise he was stopt at the threshhold, by two gigantic domestics, who spoke to him in a anguage which he did not understand; and, on his persisting in going forward, he felt himself suddenly lifted up and carried down stairs. Several people had joined those whom he had first seen; and, although he struggled with all his might, they succeeded in getting him out of the house, into a building of much smaller dimensions, in which he had every reason to wish rather for the stone image of his former inn, and more particularly for the pure air which he had enjoyed during his ride upon it.

He now exerted the power of his lungs to the utmost, and he had actually the satisfaction of hearing that several windows were opened, and that various people insisted on an inquiry into the cause of the disturbance; but unfortunately he heard also the waiter excuse himself from immediately complying with the request, under pretence of having lost the key to the yard. Jeremiah’s situation was shocking; he could neither stand upright nor stir: and he regretted his former prison, the more so, as it is certainly better to be alone than in bad company.

Chapter 19th. Better prospects.—It was near day- break when a drawling servant made his appearance to release the prisoner; he put a piece of gold into his hand, in order to indemnify him for what had passed, and to induce him to silence. “So, so,” said the sufferer; “you put your guests into the pig-stye, and you think to pacify them with a paltry piece of money.” “Good God!” exclaimed the man, “who could have imagined that it were you! You have been taken for an agent of the police, and treated accordingly.” The fact was, that a faro-bank had been kept during the night; and as the arrest of Mr. Schnackenberger had soon come to the ears of the landlord, he had not hesitated to give up the room to the gamblers, who paid a high price, and had their own set of foreign servants, so that neither he nor any of his people had need to go near them. The military appearance and demeanour of the student had left no doubt in the minds of the attendants as to the object of his visit, and they had, consequently, secured him until the company had dispersed. The apartment was now at his service, and he was just preparing for rest when he found the following note upon his pillow. “I suppose you have been waiting for me at the door of the theatre, but I was not able to shake off my party, without setting propriety at open defiance. There may be a better opportunity at to-morrow’s chace. Will you come as a spectator?” This was not only very well in itself, but it became doubly agreeable by the conviction which it afforded of his not having been discovered by the Princess as the man in the fur.

Chapter 20th. A good deed.—Jeremiah inquired whether the attorney of Mrs. Liquorice had not called again, and he was sorry to receive a negative answer; on the other hand he was very glad to get his coat early in the morning, and to find that it looked quite as well as could be expected. The corporal of the militia called at the same time, for the accoutrements of the hair-dresser, and gave to understand that the latter would smart for the transaction. This could not be allowed, and the burgomaster was waited upon for the second time. Preparations for the intended punishment were already in considerable forwardness; but Mr. Schnackenberger had them suspended, and he represented to his worship, that courage was not at the command of every one. The incensed gentleman would not listen to any expostulations; but when he was reminded of his own pusillanimity during the night, and when he was, moreover, told that an engraver at the University had a particular knack of producing good caricatures, he became a little more tractable, and acknowledged that man was but a frail creature. He engaged to acquit the barber, on condition of his not being mentioned to the engraver.

Chapter 21st. Jupiter again.—A confused noise wa heard at the moment of the above-named convention; and Jeremiah, on looking through the window, perceived a great multitude pursuing Jupiter with brick-bats and stones; he was just in the act of turning round upon his tormenters, when the voice of his master bid him to desist, and to appear in court; the crowd followed, and lodged heavy complaints against the quadruped. A couple of children were bleeding, and the coat of a respectable looking man was shockingly torn. It appeared, nevertheless, an examination, that the bipeds had been the aggressors; the fathor of the children had enticed the dog, by means of a piece of sausage, to draw a little waggon, and the animal had honestly endeavoured to earn the reward by galloping with all his might; but taking a rather short turn round a corner, the carriage had upset, and the children had hurt themselves: at this the man had become enraged, and offering to strike the dog, he had been soundly shaken until released by the mob. The magistrate told him to let in future other people’s dogs alone, and to be thankful, for the present, for having got off so well. The student was aware that the hint about the caricature had mainly assisted in giving this turn to the affair, and he intended to scold the waiter at the inn for his negligence; he learned, however, that the man was not much to blame, because the dog had, most unexpectedly, forced his way through the window of a lower room, which he now offered to barricade so firmly as to remove all apprehension of another escape.

Chapter 22d. Disappointments.—“Pray, are not you Mr. Schnackenberger?” asked a young man at the gate of the town, when the bearer of that name proceeded towards the forest; and, on receiving an affirmative answer, he said, in half a whisper, “At eleven o’clock, in the forest-house; but without mentioning any thing of what has passed. The addressed person recollected then to have seen the speaker’s face among the attendants at the ball-room: and, after having rewarded him in proportion to the importance of the news he imparted, he continued his road in high glee. Yet the nearer he came to the appointed place, the more he slackened his pace, in order to reflect on the import of the message with regard to what had passed: he thought, at last, that it could only relate to the torn coat, and he entered the court-yard, in which he perceived the carriage of the Princess among many other vehicles of various descriptions. A singularly-shaped old coach struck him as very tasteless: it was very substantially built and profusely gilt; but, instead of armorial bearings, the panels represented nothing but sausages, hams, and other objects of the like nature. He was musing on the oddity of the devices, whilst entering the travellers’ room; but there he immediately discovered the owner in the landlady of the Golden Sow, who was sitting by herself in all her glory: she had taken off her mourning-weeds, and she shone forth in a most conspicuous dress, which exhibited all the colours of the rainbow. He was very glad that the still-existing quarrel dispensed him from taking any notice of her; and he went out again to seek for the sole loadstone of his wishes. It was only half-past ten by the clock, and he felt comforted by the idea that he needed not to hurry himself, when, to his great vexation, he saw himself followed by Mrs. Liquorice, who held out her fat hand, in sign of reconciliation, and said, “We have been both rather hasty, Mr. Schnackenberger, and I have now learned that you got into the Fox by mistake: we will, by and by, ride home together, and then all may be well again.” The student replied, very drily, that he had nothing at all to do with her, but just to pay his bill and to get back his sword: but the lady seized him tenderly by the arm and asked, whether he found her person so absolutely repulsive as to forget at once his good resolutions, when the time was come for putting them into execution? “What resolutions? exclaimed he, with astonishment. “Nay, do not deny now that you have appointed me to come hither, and that you have you have yourself made the first offer for peace: nothing shall now separate us again; for, what Heaven joins”——Jeremiah stared: he looked alternately at the speaker and the spectators, who had assembled in the mean time to watch the progress of the affair: when suddenly the sentimental fair one threw her arms around his neck, and breathed the spirit by which she was animated into his astonished face. This was rather too much to be borne; and the young man’s patience was fairly worn out; he pushed the assailant with great violence among the bystanders, and bid her to seek for lovers whereever she liked, but to let him alone. The fury of the slighted widow became now greater than ever. She appealed to the audience to bear witness to the atrocious conduct of the gay deceiver, who had himself arranged the meeting, in order to settle every thing to their mutual satisfaction. A letter, which she produced at the same time seemed to confirm her depositions, and although the student denied that he had any knowledge of the writing, it availed him nothing, and the indignation against him became pretty general. Several travelling mechanics, and other people, thought it very wrong to abuse thus the good nature and credulity of a lone widow; and a stout butcher distinguished himself particularly by the warmth with which he took up the affair; he offered himself as formal champion to the offended beauty, and Jeremiah thought it advisable to withdraw from the unequal contest. He was fortunate enough to reach the thick part of the forest in safety, and without being pursued; but his feelings were of the most unpleasant description. He had perceived many of the court-attendants among the crowd; and Mr. De Pilsen, in particular, had not escaped his hasty glances: he was now fully convinced, that the whole scene had originated in a contrivance, and that the hostess must have been misled in the same manner as he had been taken in himself by the message of the lacquey at the gate of the town. He feared much that his pretended connexion with the hostess would come to the ears of the Princess, and his greatest wish was, that he might meet her during the chase, and so justify himself from so odious a charge.

[To be concluded in our next.]