The Kaleidoscope; or, Literary and Scientific Mirror/Series 2/Volume 4/Number 196/The Dog With Two Masters

by Friedrich August Schulze

For other English-language translations of this work, see Zwei Herren für einen Hund.

THE DOG WITH TWO MASTERS.

[Original Translation from the German of Frederic Laun.]

[CONCLUDED FROM OUR LAST.]

Chapter 23. In which the hero does not appear to advantage.—Jeremiah had been wandering during several hours to no purpose. The hunting party seemed to have withdrawn to another part of the forest; and he began to grow so weary and hungry, that he resolved to return to the forest-house, whatever might be the consequences; because his wants were of such a nature, that they could not be trifled with any longer. One of them became, indeed, so pressing, that, rejecting the distant hostelry altogether, he resolved to satisfy it there and then; but as, notwithstanding the universally acknowledged exigency of such cases, decency required retirement, he cast his eyes about in all directions, and, having ascertained that there was no human creature within sight, he did what he could not help. Yet before he could recover his usual attitude and appearance, he heard the sound of horns at no great distance, and, almost at the same time, the hounds were upon him: they had probably lost the track of their real game, and appeared to regard him as a welcome substitute; they formed a circle around him, and called for their commanders with loud and unanimous barking.

Jeremiah had several times been a hunting himself, and he knew that the dogs will do nothing but bark, as long as the boar remains quiet; but that they rush upon him the moment he offers to stir; consequently his life and limbs were at stake, and it behoved him to preserve the position he was in, although it was the more unpleasant, as one foot happened to stand in the midst of an ant’s-hill, the inhabitants of which were already creeping upon the disturber of their republic. In the mean time, the hunters had come up, and they called in the dogs as soon as their laughter would permit. Jeremiah still flattered himself that the Princess might not be amongst them, as with her mild disposition it was not likely that she should be a lover of this kind of sport; but the hunting party having been chiefly arranged on her account, she could not have avoided joining it, and the poor sufferer had the mortification to distinguish her otherwise so welcome voice, as she was giving the needful directions; and his grief became boundless when he understood that he was recognized, although he had used the precaution of shutting his own eyes from the very beginning of the scene.

The hunters and dogs withdrew at last, and Mr. Schnackenberger was left to enjoy the wished-for privacy; but he was now in no humour for it. His appetite had, indeed, completely forsaken him, and he had also forgotten his lassitude; but he was, nevertheless, resolved to go in search of a dwelling-house, because the ants were tormenting him in every part of his body, and he was under the absolute necessity of stripping. He had the good luck to fall in with the landlord of the Forest-house, and so far to move him by the exposition of his distressful circumstances, that he actually managed to smuggle him into a little room, where he might relieve himself. The place was snug and retired, yet not so much so but that he could hear the loud bursts of laughter which the returning hunters set up at his expense. He heard plainly that he was called the master of the sow, and that his riding upon the stone-image, his supposed connexion with Mrs. Liquorice, and his being taken by the hounds for a boar, were all mixed up in so ludicrous a manner by the company, that his belonging to the swinish multitude could scarcely be doubted by any body to whom the facts were thus represented.

Chapter 24th. Explanations.—Before the collegian ventured to emerge from his retirement, he learned, by a pretty loud conversation which took place in an adjoining room, that Mr. De Pilsen had been at the bottom of the tricks by which he had been deluded into a belief of the appointments to meet the Princess. One of the chamber-maids in the suite of the Princess had written the notes which deceived him, and a bribed male attendant had undertaken to play upon the feelings of the widowed hostess. The instigator of the intrigue boasted highly of his performance; and he stated, moreover, that he thought Jeremiah a mere poltroon, notwithstanding his warlike and Herculean outside; in consequence of which he invited all present to give him the meeting at the Fox, where he intended to give the fellow a complete dressing in the evening.

This information was very agreeable to the listener, who had already made up his mind to drop his claims to the heart of the Princess. He felt that after the scene in the forest nothing could possibly place him again in an advantageous light with her; her fancy would ever represent him to her in the unglorious attitude in which he had there presented himself; and even the finest protestations of eternal love and devotion could only produce involuntary fits of laughter. Convinced of this truth, he had already thought of the farewell letter which it would be necessary to write; and he quite rejoiced when he perceived that there was no occasion for such a measure.

The landlord of the forest-house gave him also another piece of comfort, by telling him that Mrs. Liquorice and the valiant butcher had come to such terms with each other as would secure him from the further amorous attacks of that lady.

Chapter 25th. Jupiter in danger.—A messenger from the corporation was in waiting for Mr. Schnackenberger, at the turnpike, in order to request his attendance at the Town-hall; where, for the first time, a full court was held on a holiday. The cause of this extraordinary proceeding was Jupiter. His howlings had been so intolerable at the inn, that the ostler had taken upon himself to give him his liberty, and this had no sooner been done than he ran directly towards the residence of the Princess. It has never been fully ascertained whether he did so in the hope of finding his master or merely for the sake of plunder: but chance would so have it that he got a sight of the same cat which he had previously pursued with so much eagerness; he renewed the chase forthwith; and a frightened female had but just time to receive grimalkin into her apron, and to retire with her charge into a room. This saved the cat; but it brought on the loss of semething infinitely more valuable, viz.—a trimming of lace, which the fille de chambre had been busy washing in milk in the anti-room, and which the voracious dog lapped up in no time. The Princess was highly incensed at this new and daring misdemeanour; and she had sent word to the magistrate, that she fully expected to be freed from such intrusions by the speedy removal of the animal.

The Burgomaster told his old acquaintance that the request was not only just in itself, but that, coming from such a quarter, it required immediate attention, and that it was absolutely necessary to take some steps to pacify her Highness. The student replied that the dog should not leave his side again, if he could get him within his call; and that he would remain answerable for any damage that might be done by him. The Justice, who had not yet recovered from his dread of being caricatured, was anxious to avoid falling out with the gentleman. He was just preparing a submissive reply to the request, in order to assuage the gathering storm, when a new blast made all his endeavours vain. The Recorder came bouncing into the room, and stated that the liver of the finest goose that had ever been hatched and reared in the town, from time immemorial, had just been fetched out of his own kitchen. It was to have been the chief ornament of a supper which he intended to give in honour of his lady’s birth-day: but, alas! the remorseless brute which had been introduced from foreign parts had seized and consumed it. He vowed vengeance on the perpetrator of the atrocious deed: and nothing would satisfy him but a formal declaration of outlawry, by which this enemy of public peace and comfort would be removed beyond the boundaries within twelve hours; and, after this period, it would be lawful in any individual to use such means, in just self-defence, as would lead to the ultimate destruction of the devourer.

The Recorder’s speech quite electrified the Council. The broken china, the torn cloths, the murdered rabbits, the swallowed lace, and all the various other encroachments upon domestic happiness, were so artfully brought forward in the discourse, that the Burgomaster was fairly outvoted: he entreated the student, with tears in his eyes, not to make him suffer for the obstinacy of his colleagues; and signed the verdict with a trembling hand.

Chapter 26th. Acme of misfortune.—Oppressed by the events of the day, Jeremiah looked out of his window, and the clouds of smoke which he blew forth from his mouth, seemed to indicate that something of vast importance was then passing through his head. Jupiter had but a short time to stop; his enemies were too numerous and powerful to leave any hope of alleviation of his fate; and the magistrates seemed to be in earnest, although they were not remarkable for energy on other occasions. The beadle was making his round with a drum, in order to proclaim, at every corner, the banishment which had been decreed against him. The assembled rabble received the news with shouts of approbation: but at that very moment the quadruped made an attack on a listening cake-merchant, and scattered the contents of his baskets on the ground. The proprietor cried “Murder!” and Schnackenberger lost patience himself. “Woe unto thee,” he exclaimed, throwing his pipe at the animal, and then he hastened down stairs. He rushed out of the house in a great passion; but dog and mob were gone: he found only his pipe under the window, his fine and valuable pipe, the pride of the University, and the object of general envy; which had been so long and so carefully wrapped up in silk handkerchiefs, that pipe he found smashed to atoms! oh cruel! cruel!

Chapter 27th. Settling with Mr. De Pilsen.—The cake-seller was not long absent: he soon returned, to call for the payment of his merchandise, and to request some indemnification for the terror he had undergone. Both were immediately granted by the student, and he then went to the coffee-room of the inn, where he took an earthen pipe from the shelf, and sat down in a corner to smoke and reflect again. If Jupiter should come to any misfortune, what would be the consequence? and how would his friend Fabian Sebastian like it? The nearer the fatal stipulated term approached, the more this required to be taken into consideration; and all the probably impending consequences had never struck him so forcibly before. His train of thoughts, and the cloudy atmosphere, of his own creation, had made him entirely forget that he was in a public room, and in the midst of a numerous company: but the whispering and tittering around him increased so much, that at last it attracted his attention, the more so as he thought he heard the voice of the arch-fiend De Pilsen. The latter had actually been long amusing the guests at the expense of the student; and, taking his inactivity for cowardice, he became at last so bold, that he threw out a kind of indirect challenge, by placing a chair in the middle of the room, with a great noise, and sitting down upon it with the declaration, that he was quite in a fighting mood, and that he ardently wished somebody would give him an opportunity of taking a little exercise: at the same time he directed his quizzing-glass in so striking a manner towards the smoker, that his meaning could not possibly be mistaken. It appeared, however, as if Jeremiah Schnackenberger had lost hearing and seeing: he finished his pipe without altering even a muscle in his face; and when he finally arose, the spectators thought that he had enough, and that his exit would give them an opportunity of indulging in the loud laughter which they had so long contained; when they saw him, to their great surprise, stop before Mr. De Pilsen, and, very quietly, knock his pipe against the challenger’s nose, until every particle of the accumulated ashes had fallen to the ground. The sufferer had become pale and speechless during the operation: but when it was over, and nothing further seemed likely to follow, he plucked up his spirit, and ran after the operator with open arms, exclaiming, “Well, I declare you are the very man I want; we are quite made for each other, and must be friends.”—“Enough, fellow, never dare to call me your friend again; and if ever you should feel inclined to amuse yourself and friends with choice anecdotes, do not forget to mention at whose nose I have cleared my pipe.” Thus the hero departed, and the bursts of laughter became quite as loud as they had anticipated, with the remarkable difference, that they were set up at the expense of Mr. De Pilsen, who immediately left the room, and was never more heard of.

Chapter 28th.—A duel.—Jeremiah had but just reached his own room again, when he heard the sound of such boots and spurs as only he himself and his most intimate friends used to wear. The door opened, and in came Mr. Fabian Sebastian, to whom the horse-dealer had betrayed the excursion of his fellow-collegian. “Brother,” he said, “the time is expired, where is the dog? I bring the money with me.” Mr. Schnackenberger shrugged his shoulders. “That won’t do, brother; you have been wrong in taking my property out of my sight, and you are answerable for it.” “But,” said Jeremiah, “supposing the dog to be lost.” “Then we must fight until he comes back again. Here is your money.” “Well, let that alone for the present, and listen.” Fabian listened, but did not relish what was said; and he expressed his disapprobation so plainly, that a challenge ensued. This was forthwith accepted; but the purchaser insisted, once more, on the seller’s pocketing the money, because he would not have another man’s property on his conscience, not he. Jeremiah complied, at last, sent to the Golden Sow, in order to release his sword, by paying the bill; and as soon as it was brought, he girded his loins and set off with his companion. A convenient place was soon selected; but, when the swords were already drawn, Mr. Schnackenberge could not help remarking how unfortunate it was that two old and faithful friends should fall out about a worthless brute. “I assure thee, brother,” he said, “the beast brings nothing but mischief upon the owner, whosoever he may be.” “That is very possible,” replied Fabian Sebastian, “but as matters now stand we cannot decently avoid fighting.” “No more we can,” quoth Jeremiah, “so cut away, and you shall get as good as you give, I warrant you.” The swords were now actually set to work, and some strokes had been given and parried with equal skill, when Jupiter came suddenly through the hedge, and seized Mr. Fabian by the breast. Jeremiah dropped his weapon; and the contest was finished. The buyer and the seller now rivalled each other in generosity, by mutually offering to give up their claims; whilst Jupiter, catching a glance of a straggling hare, set off in pursuit of it: a shot fell nearly at the same time, and the reconciled friends ran to the spot with sad forebodings. Alas! their fears were but too well founded. Jupiter lay weltering in his blood. A gamekeeper had done the deed, and already withdrawn to his habitation, from the window of which he exhibited to the young men the printed game-laws, and the loaded guns of his assistants, against which the hangers of the strangers would stand but a poor chance. The advice was taken, and a speedy return to the inn was resolved upon.

Chapter 29th. Arrival at the University.—“Well, now!” cried Jeremiah, as he perceived the waiter, “bring us Champaign, Old Hock, and whatever else becomes a solemn occasion: we have a funeral to celebrate, and you see that we are well provided with the means.” So saying, he threw the purchase money on the table, and protested that he would not rise from it until every farthing of the sum was fairly spent. The more the friends drank, the more they became convinced that Jupiter’s death was a very happy event, not only for themselves and all their acquaintances, but even for the animal; because blows and other corrections had never been of any use to him, nor would they have been in future.

Their resolution to make merry with the amount in question was religiously fulfilled; and it was only after its literal completion that the young men thought of resuming their studies. Their safe arrival at their usual place of residence was heard with great joy by all the Philistines (tradespeople and other creditors) and some of them did not fail to pay their immediate respects to Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger, who addressed them in the following terms:—“My very good and worthy friends, I know you are a sensible set of people, who would rather walk quietly down stairs than fly out of the window, and I trust that you will pay due attention to what I have to communicate. My supplies from home arrived as expected, but a confounded bathing-place has swallowed the whole; and you must wait until the loss is repaired.”—The speaker’s reputation stood very high, and his auditors were so well persuaded of his integrity that they not only submitted to what they could not help, but that several among them offered to make the necessary advances to supply him until his affairs should be restored to perfect order. SPERANS.

Liverpool, February, 29, 1824.

---

The beginning of the 23d chapter is not exactly in unison with my own taste; although I have softened it down as much as circumstances and the connection of the story would permit. In the mean time, I do not see how it could be expunged without a great loss of effect and influence on the following scenes; nor am I aware that it could be replaced by any thing more comical: but I should have no objection to a little sacrifice in poin of ludicrousness, if means could be found to manage otherwise, without too great a weakening of the general plot. UT SUPRA.